Friday, December 30, 2011

Sayonara 2011, Konnichiwa 2012


I’ve been back reading on my blog and I can see how I changed within this year.

I started 2011 filled with optimism and positivity. I wanted to do things I have never done before and I did. But, they never really made me happy. I just did those stuff to get crossed off of my bucket list of things to do.

I have to say, 2011 was filled with all sorts of heartbreak for me; may it be in a romantic kind of way or if it involves my dreams and career path. For me this year was pretty much disappointing, but life goes on so I have to keep going on too. Like what I learned from Ze Pussykets, move on.

It isn’t totally a drag too. I had lots of fun. I met new friends through my blogs, twitter and just plain saying hi to random people while waiting in line for movie tickets.

Meet ups are the most interesting events if I must say so. People are expecting a lot and when they get to see what the real deal is they get shocked by how different persons/bloggers are in the flesh. I am quite guilty of this predicament.

What’s more important though is the time spent together to bond with people you are talking to over the Internet. It’s like you’ve been friends for a long time and you’re just catching up.

Not to mention, I love how I finally got to meet up with my friends back in college. We seriously haven’t seen each other after we graduated and that was like 3 years ago.

Lots of things changed. They changed, I changed, our lives changed. I’m still grateful even if I had a very shitty year.

I don’t wanna start next year with the same anticipation as I did this year. I might just end up disappointing myself again.

I just can’t wait for this year to be over as to signify the end of terrible time in my life.

I know things will get better or worse but I’ll just keep on living one day at a time.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Love a life I will divide



We found love in a hopeless place.


Happy 4th motherfucker!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Samedi et Dimanche

Last Saturday, i had 3 events to go to; the Tumblr MUMUL at MoA, my ex-wave mates pre-Christmas dinner at Glorietta 5 and my annual high school reunion. Honestly, I didn’t expect to have all three events in one night. If I could split my body into 3, I would definitely have no problems, but yeah, no can do. I had to tough it all out, in one night.

I met up with Avery and Gelo in BK Rotonda around 6pm. We got to MoA around 7-ish.

So there, we were expecting the other bloggers to be inside Starbucks. Avery got really frantic when there was no one inside, we only saw Marlon.

Apparently, they all went near the skating rink and we had to search for them. Fortunately, we saw them (Onny, Dale, JC, Ghen, Adee, Jed, Nikko, Kyo and I forgot schizotypical’s name, FML) … in a quaint little circle. So there, we said our hi’s and hello’s, I helped Avery look for a venue because Starbucks was full of social climbing people.

Congo Grille it is… I suspected alcohol and it didn’t fail me. YES! And then Ade and Noah came along.

2 bottles of San Mig Light. Rapture!

here’s the part where Nikki gets all tipsy

Gelo, Marlon and I decided to go already. Gelo had to go because he also has an event to go to the next day, Marlon was tired and I had to go to Makati.

I was calling my friends while we were on the bus. They said they already left. I almost died.

I headed straight to my friend’s house since I wasn’t able to go my ex-work mates pre-Christmas Dinner.

I got in and there was Kahlua, Red Horse, Bailey’s and Cuervo. I managed to solo the Kahlua. Drunkard much? Not really. Happy times.

I went home around 8am because the people in the party were falling down one by one like flies sprayed with Baygon.

I opened the telly when i woke up and BOOM, Sendong killed 700 people in just one night.

Was this some kind of a sick joke?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Trolls Never Get Trolled Back

I received a text from someone. I really thought that it was from my high school classmate. His number was registered for someone I know very well.

He began asking me weird rumors. He asked me if I was with someone. Apparently, rumors were circulating that I was dating someone from college who was allegedly closeted (which I also am). Sadly, those were just rumors.

He began asking me for my iMessage account. I don't have one. I don't use an iPhone or an iPad. His texting pattern is also different from what I know; it was more intrusive than the friend that I know. I started to be skeptical about his identity.

So yeah I answered him truthfully and now he knows I swing both ways. Tsk, I never wanted him to find out because he is one of the people that I don’t really trust. Good thing I didn’t tell him everything and good thing I found out he wasn’t my high school classmate or I might have told him everything. It turns out that he was the one that we "outed" shamefully back in college (well, it wasn't our fault that he sold his phone to our classmate and when we tinkered with it, it had a ton of gay porn in its memory card). I don't know if this was his plot of revenge or whatever.


I am now beginning to doubt if it was a case of mistaken identity or he really does want to “out” me. Too bad, I’m still witty and I successfully maneuvered myself out of that pinch.

I asked him how he got my new number, he just answered that I texted him once. If my memory serves me right, I never texted him anything after I’ve changed my numbers. Hmmm...

Psych wars? Ha, its one alley he'll never beat me.

One thing I don't really understand is that how did his number show up as my friend's number.

dude, I’m sorry but I’ll tell it to people I only trust since it’s just been like 5 months since I’ve started dating guys. You’ll get hints from me but not the whole story yet.

Sorry brah.

You can never out-troll me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Cauc(A)sian Dilemma

everyday, my eyes grow a little bluer and my hair grows a little blonder.

 its seems that every time that i try deviate from my destiny, it keeps on pulling me back to where i am right now. i have accepted that i can’t pursue medicine anymore, no matter how hard i want and need it.

so tomorrow morning, i’ll go file for my an affidavit of loss for both my high school and college diplomas cause my mom has stored them somewhere in which both of us can’t recall where exactly.

my uncle messaged me on facebook. he was quite irritated with all the dilly-dallying. i just didn’t tell him that i had no money to acquire my necessary documents to work abroad. i told him that i have to work so i can get my passport, clearances and diplomas. i have successfully saved enough dough to start the whole hulabaloo.

so there, my grandma wanted to sell her lot in Iloilo but that didn’t turn out well. the blueprints for my med school life was just trashed in 5 minutes.

anyways, the good news is, this might be the last christmas that i will be spending in the philippines and i’ll be earning freaking dollars so i can send them back home.

bad news is, i’ll be leaving everything behind; all the people i love and care about and all the things that i have learned to live by(ie. the pollution, school, grumpy old neighbors, slave-driving employers, sarcasm, etc…)

i really can’t tell if its a brand-new start or just the end, cause to me, its just a blur. i don’t really know where i’ll be in the future anymore and sadly, i don’t care anymore.


P.S. I am no literary genius, I just somehow manage to talk/type/read a lot.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

グッバイがハピネス

I have been out of the blogging loop lately, or its just that i'm not that active on blogspot. i have been blogging on my tumblr because its much easier to put something on your tumblog.

well the good news is, i didn't have panic attacks during the past weeks, thanks to my medication and cognitive behavioral therapy.

for the bad news, i just left my work because of a terrible boss. i wasn't able to get my salary for the whole month of november. i just got the whole lump sum today and i said that i'm not going back to work anymore.

anyways, things have been quite rough and vapid this year. as far as i know, this is really not my year according to the chinese astrological zodiac signs. (hahaha)

i'm just itching for this year to end and leave everything behind. and i mean everything...

************

So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can’t plant me in your penthouse
I’m going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I’ve finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Panic Switch!

okay, they wanted me to be a nurse, then they want me to study medicine. and now, they want me to be a nurse, again, for the fucking nth time. they don’t know what sort of emotional roller coaster they’re putting me through. i’m being torn apart at the seams. i’ve already made up my mind that i’ll go pursue my dreams now that they have SAID that I can, now they’re telling me to give it up again?

WTF?! I NEED MY PANIC SWITCH!

Wasted 3 fucking years of my life trying to please everyone and it got me nowhere.

you see, this is why i don't like feeling too ecstatic about something. i think i need to go to my therapist again.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Calling You

it has been a week since i've started my SSRI treatment and as far as I can remember, it takes around 7-14 days for the drugs to work. apparently, i do feel better now.

what's funny is, remember when i wrote on my blog that i will never become a doctor since that shit about not affording med school and stuff? well guess what... they're now pushing me to be a doctor.

i was stoic at first, i didn't really believe that they were THAT serious. my granma is now selling our "hacienda" in Iloilo so that we can have money, so that i can become a doctor.

there's this saying that goes likes this:

"Kung ano ang para sayo, darating at darating din iyon."

apparently, it is true. they don't know how much i cried over and over about not going to med school and how much i envy my classmates that already took it. they don't know how much i've waited for my chance and my calling. they don't know how much i need and want this chance. i'm finally heeding my call.

i was just smiling and laughing when they told me that, but deep down inside of me, i was crying, screaming, partying, dancing, seizing(?), rolling on the floor and everything else.

now, im just preparing for the tests and requirements that i have to submit to my target schools while working on 12 hour shifts. yes, i am a good multi-tasker, patiently and silently making my moves like a ninja.

but i should not be all too ecstatic about it. i know there's an equally disappointing news that's about to come, i can just feel it in my veins. but nevertheless, i am happy and that's what matters now.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Permafrost: The Deep One

i've visited my shrink friend these past few days. i was diagnosed with cyclothymia, its a milder form of bipolar disorder. it doesn't really interfere with my activities of daily living but it does make me suffer a bit. my friends told me that i frequently have bitchfits and PMS's these past few months. and voila, its cyclothymia bitch.

anyways, i haven't written anything substantial yet. its quite difficult juggling my work, my life and my issues altogether. and also the fact that i have no decent internet access right now adds a whole new level to my "dysthymic" phase. i was prescribed with some SSRI's and a little Lithium to stabilize whatever havoc my neurotransmitters are causing me. i need to put my feelings and emotions in a state of suspended animation.

kudos to me. i'm fucked up bigtime. no wonder i've been so emo and bitchy these past few months. i've been slipping in and out of those phases and there was nothing i could do. Yoga and all the calming techniques that i know of, they were just there to soothe the attacks. even though they weren't major in nature, its still putting a stress on my relationships with my friends and loved ones. i even caught myself shouting at my poor helpless patient one night. i almost cried.

so what am i doing now?

i'm prolly gonna go and try to find some time to write on my blog. my therapist said it helps a lot since i don't talk alot. it's one way of my catharsis and it has always been. its my non-judging, non-reactive friend and my followers are like my minions that just says yes and nods. (pardon me, followers lol)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Waxed Wicks and Candle Sticks

every year, my mom would make me a personalized candle for my birthday. she started doing that when i was 3. lavender is probably my favorite essential oil she would use to make it.

i would usually make a wax ball out of the drippings and scald my hands. my mom would get mad. fun but painful.

its also fun wetting your index finger and your thumb with saliva and hearing the sizzle from the smothered wick.

why does she make candles for my birthday? well partly because it is my birthday on the 2nd of november and partly because its All Soul's Day. kind of a 2-in-1 thing. i didn't mind. i got used to it. graveyards and gravestones don't scare me anymore. heck i even touch and manipulate cadavers and bones like its no big deal.

we celebrate my birthdays in the cemetery, paying homage to my dead grandfather, dead aunt (and her dead dog.)

this year, its different. no more candles. no more birthdays in the cemetery.

it should be fun right? not quite.

my mom is s/p(status: post) kidney transplant and only god knows how much longer we can sustain her meds and basically her life. honestly, i miss my candles. i really don't know what will happen to us if she passes away. i should be receiving my 20th candle tomorrow, but i am not expecting it anymore. there are things that i just don't impose anymore.

i really don't mind walking on top of graves for my birthday. i only wish that i could have more birthday candles from my mom. nothing else.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Karaoke Nights


"why don’t you love me, the way i loved you? it feels so crazy, cause i dunno what i did to you. if you’re gonna hurt me, then do it quickly ‘cause i’m tired of crying and if you don’t wanna stick around then baby forget about me."
*****

I've been shuffling my iPod and i stumbled upon Little Bit's Forget About Me.

It has been quite a while since I've felt relevance to a song, too much emo runs in my blood. I remember singing Adele's songs in a karaoke bar and breaking down in tears. Of course, I had to weep covertly. LOL.

Anyways, I really like singing. I was practicing Utada's Heart Station so I could upload a cover. Maybe I will someday if given the chance.

I miss going to my choir to practice belting out notes. Will someone take me out to a Karaoke Bar nearby? haha.

And don't worry, I'll sing Lady Gaga's Edge Of Glory. No emoshit right there.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Pixelated Gravity


me and my fucked up circadian rhythm keeps me awake in the most awkward hours of the day. heck i even played emulators for PlayStation and Game Boy just to keep me entertained. ugh.
i played FF Tactics, Chrono Cross, Legends of Legaia, Suikoden I and II. yes, yes i know i'm a geek.
and now this is me being all emo and shit.
i'm totally bipolar aren't i?
anyways, i'm feeling like such a retard for geeking out again so i decided to write something.
*****
been a long road to follow,
been there and gone tomorrow
without saying goodbye to yesterday.
are the memories i hold, still valid?
or have the tears, deluded them
maybe this time tomorrow,
the rain will cease to follow
and the mist will fade into one more today.
something, somewhere out there keeps calling.
am i going home?
will i hear someone sing me solace to the silent moon
zero gravity,
what’s it like?
am i alone?
is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet?
still the road keeps on telling me to go on
something is pulling me
i feel the gravity of it all. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Confessions of a Broke Domesticated Socialite


It’s less than a month before I turn 23. Crap.
So where do I begin with this post? Hmm… I can’t even write a decent post these past few weeks. I’ve been totally busy with work and hanging out with The Interstitial.
I also had to go through DFA’s hellish process of renewing my passport. Well technically it was fast, but the tellers had gone to lunch…which was about 1 hour long, so we had to wait outside for at least 2 hours because according to the security guard, I was about 398th in line and there were only 5 tellers processing the whole queue of applicants.  Just so you know, there was 1392 applicants that day and each of us had the so called “appointment time.” Geez!!!
What’s good though is that I was able to calmly accomplish it without making a scene or having a bitch fit. (guys can have bitch fits too, y’know)
I also am broke. Even if I work my ass off day and night, it’s not enough. I’m planning to apply for a post-paid line. I’m also planning to buy a new phone, an iPad, and save up for my NCLEX application. The current job I have right now would at least take me a year to even save up for my NCLEX, how much more for all the things I wanna buy for myself?
I thought that I would be able to cut down costs just by eating bread during lunch, but no, I end up going to the grocery and buy tons of food just for 1 shift. (Pig out much…? dear god, please do not let me gain weight!)
I need to find work that would at least give me around let’s say about 20k per month? I think I could definitely have a new phone and process my papers for my NCLEX in about 4 months. Good luck with me if I can find a nursing job that pays out that well.
What’s weird is that I can always hear Tim Gunn saying to me: “Keep on doing what you are doing and make it work!”
It must be that I’m watching too much Project Runway or I’m just hallucinating.
On a lighter note: I booked two jobs... the first one is a hosting stint, the other one is for a mall tour with Daiana Meneses. *slow claps*

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sorry for Party Rocking

So far, the zombie apocalypse dreams aren’t quite out of my system yet. I just had another dream that I had fallen into a basement filled with zombies, I only had a flashlight for a weapon. I got punched, scratched, kicked, and bitten by zombies. I was fighting for dear life and somehow, someone managed to pull me up and fight zombies with me. I looked up at him and he was wielding a chainsaw. He pulled me up and gave me a crowbar. We ran until we got out of the pit and to our dismay, hordes of zombies still mindlessly roam the streets of Makati, then I woke up. Don’t ask why my dream was in Makati or who the guy was, I can’t remember all the details anymore, heck, I don’t even know why I keep on dreaming the dreaded zombie apocalypse.

I really don’t know… Was it The Interstitial who was supposed to save me?

I’ll just have to keep on dreaming these macabre dreams to find out the conclusion of my wild and vivid re-creation of Left4Dead in my mind.

And again, what’s funny is, the whole background music of that dream was Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO. I was severing heads, dismembering limbs and impaling zombies while party rocking and shuffling. What the hell is wrong with me…?

p.s.: i'm sick... been sleeping the whole day. i should be heading back to District 7, I have a fight to attend to. (The Hunger Games)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Interstitial spotted Stars


Yesterday, I went out with The Interstitial. We went to a local amusement park because he had free passes from his work. We got there around 12 noon and it was raining, so some of the rides weren’t available for the public. Boo. The whole point of going to an amusement park was the exhilarating rides, so yeah, we were kinda bummed out about that. We had a very late lunch around 2pm and decided to find a cozy coffee shop. 

We ended up at Starbucks (cliché) because it was the only cozy coffee shop near the vicinity.
He got his White Mocha Latte; I got my Café Americano with an extra shot of Brevé. I like to memorize people’s coffee orders, especially His. I wish he would too.

So after a lazy coffee break by the bay, we decided to head back to our turf. I just realized how much it sucks when both of us didn’t own a car, because instead of spending time with The Interstitial, I get stressed out by the traffic. Bah.

We played DoTA all over again, victorious as always. I’m pretty sure that someday, we might be joining those elite gaming leagues. LOL.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Killing Floor


apparently, he decided to sing me lullabies before i go to sleep. sometimes, it does help but it doesn’t keep me from conjuring up dreams of the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse.
i don’t think it is solely because of him that i keep on dreaming those morbid and macabre nightmares.
there’s something brewing inside me that i can’t figure out… again.
anyways, i like to keep on telling him to play Left4Dead with me. it sort of relieves the pressure of being the hero(?) of my lucid and vivid dreams.
and what’s funny is, my weapon of choice? a measly fruit knife. how do i even...?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Animal

Here we go again...

I'm back to my old groove. Quite, a fast recovery yes? 

Not really. I've been having these weird and grotesque dreams that I just wanna write about. It's like I'm in a game where I'm the hero and everyone else is a freaking zombie... the so called "zombie apocalypse."

Why do I keep having these dreams, I am also not certain of. I just know that I have to keep on living and surviving those dreaded hordes of walking undead. Basic animal instinct. Trying to fend them off with just knives, guns, and anything else that could potentially render those bitches dead immobile for good (well, because they're already dead, there's no way they could die multiple times unless they're Botcha).

Yes, I know I'm weird. You don't have to tell me.

In other news: yes, I have been very busy working my ass off day and night, 12 hours per shift, about 4-5 soiled adult diapers and 500 pesos.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Halcyon

I don't know where to start or where to end. I've lost my inner fire, my desire to write... Have i been lulled into a deep slumber? Or have i just missed things that happened around me that i have not gotten anything out of my system yet?

I've got tons of stories, ideas,  things that i wanna write, but i'm back to my Halcyon; where everything is static, safe, peaceful. It feels like i'm drugged. What has happened to me?

Doused...?

on a lighter note: i can't wait for my tattoo and my platinum blonde hair.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Leaps and Bounds

Because:

  • I'm the guy who speaks in italics.
  • I'm the guy who's blatantly honest.
  • I'm the guy who thinks of Summer all the time.
  • I'm the guy who can change in a split second.
  • I'm the kind of guy who can make decisions and not regret them.
  • I'm the guy that loves and loves in an unfathomable manner, in leaps and bounds, in cosmic proportions.

And because:

  • I feel safe when I'm with you.
  • I feel like a kid, you treat me like one and I like... well love it.
  • I find it awkwardly bittersweet when we meet in person. (We meet, we do things, we part. I hate it when we part.)
  • I totally freak you out with my weird and unusual cravings(?)
  • I titillate you with a few words, gestures and then poof, you become Coco Crunch in my palms. HA!
  • I feel like I'm your Interstitial, your "in between," your Missing Piece.

happy 1 month mother fucker.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Hype


I found myself on top of a long stretch of shiny black vinyl coated floor. I hear the music pumping in my ears, muffling the sounds of my heart and lungs expanding and collapsing. There are faces that I can’t make out in the distance, but I know they are watching. A small guy waves his hand to me, signaling that I have to make haste and it’s my turn. I took a long breath, held it, climbed up the stairs and blocked every stimulus that distracts me.

I walked with passion. Long powerful strides, chin held up high, tummy tucked in and butt stuck out. I can feel the floor shaking under my weight. There are flashes erupting from every direction. There are blurred entities from afar, they seem to be watching and judging. I can see their vague expressionless faces fold and crumple to every move I make.

My heart is pumping blood infused with adrenaline. I thought to myself, “DON’T FUCKING TRIP ON THE RUNWAY!” This is the moment I’ve worked hard for. Months of diet and yoga have done wonders to my lean frame. This is my chance to show off, now I’m just basking in all my glory. My face was burning and I was sweating profusely.

The vest I wore almost slipped on my shoulders; luckily I got to the end of the runway with my clothes intact. I turned and posed, cameras were clicking and flashing. I had to keep my face from smiling, my natural instinct in front of the lens. I just had to “smile with my eyes” without my lips or my cheeks moving. Just for a few seconds, I had to make my way back.

Long powerful strides without looking too cocky, that’s what the designers wanted.

I reached the backstage, it was utter chaos. I smell hairspray, make-up and burning cigarettes.  Three guys rushed to me; one was removing the torn off-shoulder shirt with the plaid vest, the other was removing the high-cut dunks, and the last one was unzipping the ripped denim shorts. I only had my nice undies after that. Then a girl handed me a long-sleeved tie-dyed shirt, apparently I had to do it 2 more times. There was this tall guy who grabbed my chin and started brushing my face and crunching my hair. A retouch. I zipped up the salmon colored roll-up pants and wore the tan topsiders. Time was running short and the little guy was screaming and waving his hands to me.

The music changed, but it’s still that electropop beat, the kind that puts people in a weird trance. The lights also changed hues. It was time to strut and sell the clothes again.

The hype was addicting. It was a mixture of anxiety, nausea, hunger, fatigue and fulfillment. It was worth it. I was giggling with my girlfriend/co-model backstage. My skin was itchy and I felt like I needed a bath but I can’t just yet. We still had to do post runway shoots, which is weird because we were asked to never publish them on our facebook accounts.

My first show was a success. The designers were happy. Models were busy shaking hands and getting each other’s numbers. Photographers just come in and out and take snaps of everyone. I was living my dream. All the pain and shame of being rejected time and time again was worth it. I don’t care if this is going to be my last, but I finally felt like a real model for the first time in my life. Even if it’s just for a local label.

After the show, everyone was invited to go and mingle in the nearby club. Hopefully to book more jobs and projects for the free lance models and even find an agency that will take care of them. Booze, food and sex; it’s everyone’s Cheat Day. But everyone knows not to be too out there. A couple of pounds gained would end someone’s career.

I wonder if I ever get to do those again, I seem to be getting the hang of it. I always go to casting calls and go-sees but I seldom book jobs for myself. It was blood, sweat and tears just to find an employer. The pay is bad also, but I want to keep on doing this. I got hooked.

Doors are slowly opening for me. I just need to choose one, yet again. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Shell


I found this short from a friend.

Wouldn't it be nice to modify your dreams and memories to your own liking?

"and then maybe, fiction becomes reality..."

Monday, September 19, 2011

25 Lives








saw this from a blog at live journal. 25 Lives by Tongari.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Afterglow

And we decided to meet up at our usual coffee shop. He gave me a decadent cupcake, a moist chocolate cupcake with dark chocolate frosting with a rosette of  chocolate fondant. Orgasmic!!! He knows how to make me swoon over food, whether be it a full meal or just desserts. Pun intended.


I ordered an iced mocha which I shared with him. It sounds really corny and shit, but then its those little things that matter. Of course we got "high" after that super sweet treat. I asked him to play DoTA with me afterwards. Yes, I know.. I'm a geek. I chose Crystal Maiden at first, he chose Bone Fletcher. We won of course... But next round, we were dismal, I fail with with Netherdrake. I died a lot, in turn we lost... So I thought, we had to make a comeback and redeem ourselves. It was serious business the 3rd round. I chose my best hero, Enchantress, and did my unique item build with her. I, apparently was the top hero killer that round. LOL, yes this post is getting too geeky.


Anyways, after 3 rounds of straight on geeking out and cursing those damned AI's we decided to spend the night together. Details are not to be expounded because I still believe in the saying that: "What happens in the Boudoir, should stay in the Boudoir."

All I can say is that, I seem to have found my Le Chevalier de Mirval. I learned things that I can do. Yes... I am Eugenie. LOL.


I am currently basking in our afterglow. This post seems senseless but who cares.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Day Three: "a Care Diva in the making."


He found himself in a glass house, fragile to the very core. There's a lingering scent of lavender and patchouli, yet that unmistakable smell of bleach and disinfectants rise from the wooden floor.

Clean, crisp white bed sheets adorn a mechanical bed. A rigid thin man in his early 60's lie atop.

"Good morning!" I greeted.

"..."

As expected there wasn’t a response from him, neither verbal nor non-verbal.

He went on to do his duty; to keep the rigid thin man alive and taken care of during his 12-hour stay.

Monday, September 12, 2011

demitasse

*****

he left without saying goodbye as his eyes were filled with tears. never looking back, chin held up high and holding the words in. his heart was swelling and fibrillating, he just didn’t want him to see it.
there’s not much that we can do then… at least we can still be friends this way.” a voice from the distance shouted.
i hope so too. may we not cross paths in the future…” he gingerly whispered.
all he heard were his footsteps. they were loud, overpowering the sound of a breaking heart.
he walked away, as always.
*****
he was waiting in a corner of a coffee shop, enjoying his demitasse. he was humming with the Bossa Nova  playing at the back of his mind while casually tapping his feet.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Sunny Spot


Sitting in a sunny spot
I shake and shiver
Just now it made me think
back to a certain sunset
The red glow of the sunset,
it dyed your back,
as you went away from me.
Sitting in a sunny spot
I shake and shiver
Just now it made me think
back to a certain sunset
Before you said goodbye,
you touched me softly.
Because once upon a time,
we saw a sparkle with each other.
As the withered leaves
fall down on my feet I realize that
our time won’t return, so I live and smile.
Before you said goodbye,
you touched me softly.
Because once upon a time,
we saw a sparkle with each other.
Sitting in a sunny spot
I shake and shiver
Just now it made me think
back to a certain sunset

while he sleeps...



While he sleeps,
I am awake.
Checking on him every hour,
observing and anticipating his needs.

While he sleeps,
I get frantic at his:
every cough, every gag,
every shiver, every spasm.

While he sleeps,
I prepare, cook and process his food
I check, clean and dry his perineum
I turn and massage him on a bi-hourly basis

While he sleeps,
I bathe and shampoo his hair,
careful enough to not wet his bed,
careful enough not to startle him.

While he sleeps,
I toil through the night,
I monitor his Vital Signs
I sigh of relief

While he sleeps,
I couldn't even get a wink
I seldom eat
I sweat and ache.

While he sleeps,
I gently walk away
Bidding goodbye
Hoping for his recovery.

*picture of Makoy, the patient's dog. i just wanted to upload his cuteness on my blog.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Of Gastric Gavages and Dirty Adult Diapers

Ang drama ko sa bayang to’y isang mabuting nanay ng isang alagang mas matanda pa sa tatay ko… Mabuti nalang kami’y magkasundo, sinusubuan ng hapunan, kapag dumumi pinupunasan… Nako nako nako… ano bang nangyari dito… -Chelsea
i just realized, im cleaning up diapers of people i don’t even have blood relations to.

it feels weird when i got asked: “pano yan, taga-punas ka na ng pwet ng matanda pero sarili mong kapamilya hindi mo man lang maalagaan?

those words hurt.

do they even fucking know how much how hard it is for me to even take this job?

i am getting judged for being what i am. i don’t even know why is it always me. all i know for now is that im tired, stressed and i’m happy being employed to a very nice family.

parang naalala ko bigla ‘yung scene sa Care Divas.

I'm not just working because of the money. I get attached to my patient and the patient's relatives. Their problems become my problems too because they've got no one else to turn to. It is my passion and drive to care for people, even if its physically and emotionally draining, cause that's just me.

"nako, nako, nako! ano bang nangyari dito?!"

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Heartbeat


Children’s laughter echoes,

everywhere across the skies.
Laying beside you, I can see the
crooked lines of the buildings around us.

As sunlight pours through the cracks in the clouds,
we take cover before it blinds us.

I close my eyes to hide away from the commotion,
and as I place my hand on your chest,
I can feel your heart beating.
Let me be by your side.

Alas, the two of us
will eventually leave this world behind.
But our feelings will keep us together like this.

In order to fill my heart,
I will need to hear that sound over and over again.
So I entrust the throbbing sound to my body,
as you softly wrap around me.

The rain won’t stop,
making me long for your smile.
When I turn off the lights,
the city lights shine like little stars falling from the sky.

As the whirl of lights intertwine,
I can see the future in a dream.

I need you to take my hand,
so I can transfer my wishes to you.
Let me be by your side.

Alas, we have to get through
many lonely nights in this world.
But our feelings will keep us together like this.

I touched deep within
your heart to confirm your love.
I can feel your skin tremble with your heart beat,
as I softly wrap myself around you.

One day I’ll see the end of this dream,
even if there’s no sunlight to wake me up.
Then when the sad rain pours down,
our two shadows meld into one,
because I’m by your side

I run out of breath,
when our hearts melt together.
Two hearts beating to the same rhythm,
as we softly wrap around each other.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

mishaps and misfits

i believe that all of us are misfits. everyone searching for a niche, searching for company, searching for people who resembles us in some way. to me, i found my niche on my blogs, whether on blogspot or tumblr. i found people who turned out to be more than just non-de-plumes online, i treat them now as friends.

there has been quite a misunderstanding these past few days. words were thrown around like stones, bouncing and rebounding and hitting people on their tummies and heads. they hurt and people got bruised. they hit vulnerable spots and it wasn't pretty at all.

i'm not gonna post all the details anymore, there are also things that i want to keep to myself and to the parties involved.

why am i writing this though? because i want to set things straight. i know that things might not just go back to where it was before, i'm not trying to make things reset themselves.

i want to apologize for whatever mishap that happened. whatever that was and whatever it is, i'd be the one to personally say sorry. even if i know i'm not all to blame for, it's just me being the scapegoat for everyone. i'd rather take all the beating than let you guys get hurt, that's just how i roll.

i want the hostility to end, i want this silly conflict to end. i know all of us are very mature individuals, we know how to handle things and we all know were better than this. right?

anyways, if you're reading this, you know who you are. if you wanna talk about, i'm all ears, you pretty much know that.

on a lighter note, i'm going for an interview and training on sunday. YAY ME! Private Duty Nursing, here i come! :)

The Boy Who Had The Red Umbrella



There was a boy, about 6 years old, walking down the flooded street. He was wearing a yellow raincoat and black rubber boots. In his right hand, he was holding a big red umbrella. He was merrily waddling down the street, without worrying about getting neither wet nor sick.

There was a man, in his early 20’s, walking the opposite direction of the little kid. He was wearing a brown trench coat, leather shoes, pinstripe pants and a black tie over a white dress shirt. He was holding a black umbrella in his right hand and a suitcase in his left. He noticed the kid walking towards him. He was inexplicably drawn to the kid.

The boy was about to cross the road and he stopped dead in the middle. The man was shocked and he immediately ran towards the boy. He grabbed the kid and dropped the umbrella. A few seconds after, a car rushed by and hit the man’s umbrella and it was mangled to pieces.

“Hey boy, are you crazy?! Why did you stop in the middle of the road? Don’t you know that’s dangerous?” the man blurted out.

“Uhm, because I was looking at that…” the boy pointed to a dead cat in the gutters.

“Well, its dead now and you’ll be like that if you are not careful… That car could have hit you and killed you.”

“Oh! Well thank you, I shall be on my way now. You can let go of me now.” The boy said with a smile.

“Wait, where are you going in this weather anyways? It’s not safe for kids to be outdoors, especially when they are unaccompanied.”

“I’m about to go home. I just went out because I wanted to…”

“Do your parents know about you going out?” the man asked frantically

“Uh yeah they do…” the boy’s eyes were rolling side to side

“Ok, I’ll take you home. Just lead the way. I think I might need to talk to your parents.” the man sighed

“Aw man?! Really? Tch..”

The man held the big red umbrella and grasped the boy by his shoulders. They started walking. A few blocks after, the boy sped up and started to run. He was heading to the playground.

“I thought you were going home? Why are we stopping here?” the man was puzzled

“Because I don’t get to play much and I don’t like playing with a lot of kids.” the boy was up the steel slide already.

“Well, you can do that sometime, when it’s not raining and when I’ve already talked to your mom and dad.”

“Well, I didn’t ask you to come with me. You can just leave my umbrella…” pointing to the bench

The man was shocked at the boy’s response. If it wasn’t for the boy’s fault he wouldn’t have lost his umbrella. He decided to stick with the kid until he gets home safe and sound. He has to, he’s gonna drench in the rain if he’s gonna leave the boy alone. He also can’t take the red umbrella, because he knows he will feel sorry for taking the boy’s umbrella.

“…fine. After that, we’re heading home, yes?”

“Okay!” the boy said sheepishly

The boy was playing on the monkey bars and the guy was wondering where the boy lives. He can’t help but worry about this. There was something mysterious about how the boy responds to him. It’s as if the boy was him.

*i can't remember the continuation of this dream anymore.

magpie tales

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Indak



Tatakbo at gagalaw
Mag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw
Kulang na lang, atakihin
Ang pag-hinga’y nabibitin

Ang dahilan na alam mo na
Kahit ano pang sabihin nila
Tayong dalawa lamang ang makakaalam
Ngunit ako ngayo’y naguguluhan

Makikinig ba ako
Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo?
O iindak na lamang
Sa tibok ng puso mo

At aasahan ko na lamang na
Hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasayaw
Habang nanonood siya…

Paalis at pabalik
May baong yakap at suklian ng halik
Mag-papaalam at mag-sisisi
Habang papiglas ka ako sayo ay tatabi

Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka-alam
Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pag-bibigyan ko
Makikinig nga ba sa isipan na alam ang wasto

O pipigilan ang pag-ibig nya na totoo

Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo
At aasahan ko hindi nya lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya
Habang nalulungkot ka

Habang nalulungkot ka, isa nama’y natutuwa
Minsan naman ay lumuluha

updharmadown - indak
photo: Son Gain - Irreversible screencap

Monday, August 29, 2011

War Cries

gladiators going to a battle unprepared is paramount to suicide. fear is inevitable but the situation will dictate you to man up and own the battlefield. whether you decide to survive and die is your choice, it's killed or be killed. the world is cruel, there's no way anyone can change that. as much as you try to be kind, you'll always end up choosing: to hurt someone or to get hurt by someone. it is a natural reaction to be selfish, but its not enough to be a reason to inflict pain to others. apologies will never suffice.

cuts and bruises, sometimes the eventual stab wounds and fractures are expected. it will be bloody and dirty, not to mention excruciating. but in all that i've learned: never regret. this has been my war cry for these past few days.

and when the fight is over, you get time to lick your wounds. you learn something new, gain appreciation for what you have and what you don't. you learn to accept things that you can and cannot do. it will give you insight of what you have become. it will be either be scary or breathtaking, depending on how you will see it.

i'm still learning, things got rough. i licked my wounds and i realized i've become a monster. i've got no one to blame, but i know i'm fine being a monster; i've always had an idea that there's a demon hiding inside this angel.


but this monster still do know when to stop and say sorry.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Past The Point Of No Return



Phantom:
Past the point of no return
No backward glances
Our games of make-believe are at an end.
Past all thought of if or when
No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend
What raging FIRE shall flood the soul
What rich desire unlocks it's door
What sweet seduction lies before us?
Past the point of no return
The final threshold
What warm unspoken secrets
Will we learn
Beyond the point of no return?

Christine:
You have brought me
To that moment when words run dry
To that moment when speech disappears
Into silence
Silence.
I have come here,
Hardly knowing the reason why
In my mind I've already imagined
Our bodies entwining
Defenseless and silent,
Now I am here with you
No second thoughts
I've decided
Decided.
Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion-play has now at last begun.
Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question
How long should we two wait before we're one?
When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud burst into bloom
When will the flames at lust CONSUME us?

Both:
Past the point of no return
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed
So stand and watch it burn
We've passed the point of no return.

Phantom:
Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude
Say you want me
With you here
Beside you
Anywhere you go
Let me go too
Christine that's all I ask of

Friday, August 26, 2011

Dimestore Diamond - Gossip

I finally got an offer for a job as a Private Duty Nurse for a post-stroke patient in the Metro. I’m pretty interested with the offer because it’s an easy job, plus the pay is absolutely rewarding. It’s like earning six thousand pesos just by babysitting a big baby for 12 hours only. The sad part about it is when the patient recovers, the contract ends. Not that I like the patient to be half paralyzed forever, but when he does, that means I’ll have to say goodbye to the family. I admit it; I’m in it because of the money.

Have I lost my altruism? I don’t know… maybe because people change. I need that money to pay for my test in order for me to work in a much better country. I am succumbing to the dire necessity to be the breadwinner of the lot. Plus, when I work abroad I can finally pursue my studies in medicine and genetic engineering. It’s hitting two birds with one stone of some sort.

But then again, what happened to my compassion? What happened to “I’d like to serve our countrymen, even if the pay is bad?” What happened to the pride and legacy of Florence Nightingale?

Am I being selfish? I guess I am, but at least now I know what I want. I’m not just letting it go, not this time. And this time I’m certain that I want to practice my diploma and then I’ll decide if I really want to be a doctor. From what I’m seeing though, I think I can be a doctor. I really miss staying up late, reading medical books and sipping coffee. From Florence Nightingale to McDreamy is what I I’m aiming for. Hello Hippocratic Oath. 

I’ve also decided that I’ll support my own dream since my parents can’t. I’m sorry but I’m not going to be dependent anymore. I just need enough runway space for me to take off and fly on my own. Taking the PDN job would prolly be the start of it. I’ve done enough soul-searching and I think it’s about time to earn my wings now.

It was an emotional turmoil of all sorts. Almost every time, I just blog all the pain away, because I did try to kill myself… thrice… with various OTC drugs... Nice, no?

I also got an offer at a contact center, yet again. This time it’s for a health insurance account with better pay than from where I’ve been. I’m having a lot of qualms about it. The vertigo and migraine that I developed during my employment in my previous company can come back as easily as this job offer is. It’s a stable job, yes. It gets lame and boring though. I’ll just keep this offer as a fall back option.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was a daydream, quiet and unseen
I lived in stories but inside I kept a mystery
I was a starling, nobody’s darling.
Flying in perfect circles just for company.

A midnight airplane, a window blowing
I know I am another sparkle in the sky
I shine in copper, still undiscovered.
But you might see me in the corner of your eye

And now I’m ready. I’m ready to be extraordinary.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

誰かの願いが叶うころ


小さなことで大事なものを失った
冷たい指輪が私に光ってみせた
「今さえあればいい」と言ったけど そうじゃなかった
あなたへ続くドアが音も無く消えた


あなたの幸せ願うほど わがままが増えてくよ
それでもあなたを引き止めたい いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ あの子が泣いてるよ
そのまま扉の音は鳴らない


みんなに必要とされる君を癒せるたった一人に
なりたくて少し我慢し過ぎたな


自分の幸せ願うこと わがままではないでしょ
それならあなたを抱き寄せたい できるだけぎゅっと
私の涙が乾くころ あの子が泣いてるよ
このまま僕らの地面は乾かない


あなたの幸せ願うほど わがままが増えてくよ
あなたは私を引き止めない いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ あの子が泣いてるよ
みんなの願いは同時には叶わない


小さな地球が回るほど 優しさが身に付くよ
もうー度あなたを抱き締めたい できるだけそっと
As the small earth rotates, I learn to become more kind.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sweet Soul Review - Pizzicato Five

Feeling ko, andiyan ka lang sa tabi-tabi. Alam ko din na naghihintayan lang tayong dalawa. Hindi natin alam baka nagkakatabi pala tayo sa LRT o ‘di kaya nagkakasalubong sa Gateway. Malay mo naman ‘di ba?

Pabiling lablayp. Estudyante. Kailangan ko ng discount.

Hindi naman sa excited akong makilala ka, wala lang. Naiisip ko lang.

Malay mo nagkatitigan na rin pala tayo sa isang coffee shop. Nag “hi and hello” na pala tayo sa may sakayan ng jeep. Baka nakasabay pa kitang kumain sa may pishbolan sa may UP.

Naiisip ko lang din kung may pagkakataon na naiisip mo din ang mga bagay na ganito. Naiisip ko lang din kung minsan naiisip mo rin ba ako?

Napaisip lang naman ako. Wala naman sigurong masama dun.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

8423


i felt your skin pressing onto mine
electrifying and tingly
warm and fuzzy
i have forgotten how it felt
to be really this close
or it maybe just the first time

faint whispers
of the wind
uttering sweet words
of romance untold
and of tragic endings
intoxicating and alluring
to succumb
in such a sweet embrace
how long have i waited?
i already lost my sparkle
would that be alright?
no one really likes dull things

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

first


held hands
kissed my lips
butterflies in my tummy

eew. why am i being so mushy with my typographies? :|

Sunday, August 14, 2011

gratuitous picture of myself?


yes, yes this is how i usually look like (of course with a little manga-nification). nerd.

Friday, August 12, 2011

chameleon

Before the year started, I had checked out how 2011 should roll for me. I was born in 1988, so that makes me a Water Dragon according to the Chinese zodiac signs. I vividly remember that it said that it isn’t gonna be a spectacular year for me.

There’s no significant achievement for you this year.” That was gonna be my ‘theme’ for the whole of 2011 according to the soothsayer.

I didn’t believe it at first; I tried to make things happen even if I know that my fortune isn’t that great. December of last year, my uncle told me that he was going to help me take my NCLEX exam so that I can work in Chicago. I enrolled in a review session and I am super duper ready to take the test. But, everything had to stop since I haven’t applied for my test yet. I tried to ask around what’s the whole process for the application and authorization to take the test.

Apparently, I need about 1,300 US dollars to be able to take my exam. I told my uncle about it and then he told me that he wasn’t gonna be able to pay for the whole thing yet. It takes about 2-4 months to get my ATT (Authorization To Test). Not only those, but the other documents needed for my application have been misplaced. They’re now part of the dust collecting inside our house. Lovely.

I left my work just to prepare for a test, which turns out that I’m not gonna be able to take yet. In short, I wasted time and effort and money for my review classes. I guess that’s my karma for being so eager to defy my fortunes for this year and for being so resolute about leaving this goddamned country. Yikes.

When people promise me things, I tend to get swayed hook, line and sinker. I got so excited about the idea of finally being independent that I forgot about how difficult it is to apply for my “One-way ticket” to the states. In the end, I got disappointed and when I get disappointed, I have this tendency to just forget about it and walk away. I have no time to waste being disappointed and being let-down by people. I might as well go and find work on my own, again.

I don’t blame them; I just wished they didn’t give out promises like candy and then not comitting to those. I’m still a kid; candy is still going to be my demise. It is entirely my fault.

I also tried being a freelance model, didn’t turn out so well either. Ended up as the back-up "wardrobe specialist," which kinda sounds like an alalay if you ask me. (KARMA, KARMA, KARMA.)

My blonde and blue-eyed dreams are still pretty much stuck right here in my brain. Good, yes? They aren’t gonna happen soon, but that doesn’t mean I already forgot about them. I’m still waiting for my turn, just waiting for my turn.

As I am again waiting, I’m now gonna look for a new job. Hopefully, I get a job substantial enough to pay for my application fees (and other miscellaneous shit). I don’t need further let-downs this year; I’ve had to deal with a bunch of them already. I’m getting tired of being excited and then poof, I get shot down even before I can even start. MY GOD, YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME A FAIR FIGHT, HOW CRUEL!

Anyways, in other news, my life isn’t that bad. I have my blog with me. And, I really think that they chose the wrong person for that last ad campaign I went to. TSK.

#blogging the pain away.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Sorbetes

I kind of miss going to our local ice cream parlor. It would be nice if Nestle didn’t move locations. I really do miss buying a peach melba or a banana split! Hence, I shall write about it to make me forget my longing for some good old ice cream.



Remember when you get inside an ice cream store and your all giddy just to choose from a vast array of flavors of ice cream. “I want this, I want that…” but then you only have enough money for just a scoop of ice cream. It somehow resembles the process of choosing your partner, whether for life or just someone who’ll just fill the space in between.

I think that there’s a significant correlation between choosing your ice cream and being involved in a romantic relationship. They have a common factor: it’s a matter of taste. It just depends on what you feel like having.

Flavor of the Month - these are the flavors that get removed from the menu after a short time. They’re either the experimental flavors or the  hit-and-miss flavors. (Ergo, Ben and Jerry’s flavor graveyard, where they bury old recipes of ice cream flavors.) It’s either because they don’t appeal to the mass or they just aren’t that good to be called Classics. This also applies to people. Some just like to try something new. They’re excited at first, but then they realize that: “Oh, this flavor gets boring really quickly…” It actually hurts to get called the Flavor of the Month, because it means you aren’t substantial enough to be in a long term relationship. You get labeled as Panakip butas lang or a rebound or just a fling. You just aroused them but then, at the end of the day, its still gonna be you and your bed and your pillows at night. You hit-and-missed your mark. The term Takaw-mata also applies. It just means that you just want a taste, but then you’ll never finish the whole thing. No promise of forever, no wedding bells. Tumikim lang. These ‘flavors’ are meant just for those who just haven’t found the ‘right one’ yet.

Classic - these are the favorite flavors and are usually never off from the list. They’re the tested and proven all-time favorites. Flavors like: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, pistachio, etc. They’re the one’s you never get tired of. You may get distracted at some point, but you never fail to choose the ones that you’ve already tasted. These are the people who really fell in love, the perfect match, the one’s that will settle down. They are the one’s that get envied upon by everyone. I’d like to believe that everyone has their own specific favorite, a choice where they feel secure. It does get to a point where you’re not satisfied nor dissatisfied, because you’ve been choosing it over and over again. You get complacent and routinely, stagnant even. In some cases, people will really change their preference. Eto yung mga break-ups na nakaka panghinayang. These ‘flavors’ are the ones that are hard to forget, and they are the one’s that created a big impact in your life. It will be a lot different once you’ve changed favorites. (I went from plain vanilla to rainbow-colored bubblegum, if you know what I mean.)

Limited Edition - these are the unique flavors that work in a weird way, like Caramel and Rock Salt. There’s that perfect balance of sweetness and saltiness. It’s also an acquired taste. Eto yung mga lasang babalik-balikan pero hindi madaling hanapin. They cater to specific persons,. Not everybody is thrilled by wasabi flavored ice cream, right? They’re also very life-changing. They are the persons who also create a big impact but in a really profound way. Different doesn’t always mean quirky or weird. Most of the time, they become Flavors of the Month, but in rare cases they become Classics. (Case in point, Nutella and Banana gelato.) You learn from them because they make you interested, even if you get tired of them. It is not a perfect match but in an obscure way, you tend to not be with anyone else but that same person. Enter concept of ‘Soul-mates.’ You guys don’t really jive well, but you find comfort with each other’s company. You guys may not end up together, but you still see each other. It is weird, but it works for some people. (Me.)

Writing about ice cream just made me crave more. Oh well, keep calm and eat ice cream, oh wait, froyo. :)

Friday, July 29, 2011

lights, camera, action.

I just found out that one of my new found friends like me.

I didn't know what to react because I wasn't expecting him to like me. He is mean and he loves to bully me around. To me that wasn't flirting at all. I usually get humiliated in front of people when he puts me on the spot and I hate being humiliated.

He has a boyfriend, the kind that doesn't fulfill the so-called 'boyfriend duties.' He told me that he was already making a move, I told him that I don't get him. Why me?

I'm not sure if I should believe him or shit, but all I know that he is an actor in real life. In the back of my mind, I cannot tell whether he's just acting out impulse or he was toying with me. First of all, I don't like being in complicated things. My life as it is, is full of complications and conflicts. Also, I don't really like him. He just negates every statement that I make when we hang out with our group. He is my anti-thesis, my blight to my existence. Then, he is also very touchy, even in public; I'm sorry but that isn't my cup of tea either. He can beat the living daylights out of me. So, definitely I don't really see myself being with him.

The problem though is that, I don't like him as a boyfriend and I just want him as a friend and I told him that. When he tries to make a move, I just act cold. I wonder if he gets that. It's kinda funny how I turn out to be an actor too and I don't know if I can keep it up. I'm pretty sure one day, I'll just tell him to fuck off. That's how mean I can be.

Monday, July 25, 2011

hi, i'm chuck *giggles*

remember chuck from the coffee shop? well, i met up with him. this time, it was in a bar. he was with his friend and so was i. he drank a couple of beers i drank my frozen montezuma. things we're going along really well. do i like him? sort of.

he's from UP-D also. he's about 27 years old and he's a graduate of engineering. smart. i get the feeling that i tend to gravitate to people from UP-D. i really don't know, but i attract people from that school and i get attracted to them too.

he's about to take his engineering license this september. i wonder what will happen. he said he fancies me and i do fancy him too. im just not too sure about the age gap thingy. i tend to be a child at different points in my life. it might not be to his liking. we're still getting to know each other. who knows, maybe this time it will be different. i'm not hoping for anything, i just want something real and something uncomplicated. i really think that people find my awkwardness adorable. they tend to treat me like a child. maybe i am and i'm not gonna change that.

subtle changes are happening in my life ever since that epic post. people from tumblr have been asking me out, to think that they're younger than me. oh well, when it rains, it pours, and i'm loving every bit of it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

yes, i am... gay.

i remember back in grade school, i was the kid who always got bullied by bigger kids. i was fat, wimpy and i never liked making friends with other kids. i was happy playing with my pencil case which had batman in it. i also remember their remarks that i am quite "different" from the other boys in my classroom. i never wondered about it because i really don't care what they think about me. it never came to my mind that they thought that i was gay, that was probably the reason why i was bullied before. i was never even flamboyant nor showed signs before, they just knew. they also knew how to make my life hell before. they have that keen sense to hit me where it hurts the most.

it was torture, but i had no one to tell it to. i just had to tough it all out. i admit that i've cried a ton of times, but i just had to let it all pass.

i got good friends when i got into high school. they're the one's who've accepted me as i am, they don't even ask why am i like this. i feel more comfortable when i am not judged for being just who i am. i think they know that i am in fact gay, they just didn't wanna bring it up i guess. i am forever grateful to find people who understand me and didn't force their ideals and beliefs on me.

but then, as i begin to accept the fact that i am different, i began to wonder if its normal to just sublimate everything and go back to being "normal" again. i was scared of the stigma and those eyes that pry. being in a catholic and in an exclusive-for-boys school, being gay was not an option. it was an abomination, that was what was taught. i started to be hard on myself, i started to resist. i had to find that sense of normalcy again. i had to do what's "right" and stop doing what i "want."

i am in limbo, stuck in between what's right and what i want; to do what's right i have to sacrifice my own happiness or to do what i want means to sacrifice my reputation and the respect for being the good son, an over achiever and the role model. as of the moment, i'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness just for the sake of what's right. i just don't know if i can endure being in limbo anymore. i seem to get stuck to doing what's right that i forgot about what i want anymore and it's eating me inside.

why am i writing about this now? i am not entirely sure either. i could just come out, but it's not as simple as that. i'll lose everything that i've achieved and worked hard for. i'm also doubting if i should post this right now. being in a society where reputation precedes the real person, i find it silly to come out just to stop being questioned about my sexuality. i wanna come out when i am sure that i am willing to sacrifice everything just to be happy and honestly, i want to. if i die tomorrow, at least people know now.

i was crying while i wrote this, and this has been in my drafts for far too long. i don't care about being judged anymore, just like how i didn't care before. i'll just go back to playing with my batman pencil case.