Confessions of a Broke Domesticated Socialite

It’s less than a month before I turn 23. Crap.

So where do I begin with this post? Hmm… I can’t even write a decent post these past few weeks. I’ve been totally busy with work and hanging out with The Interstitial.

I also had to go through DFA’s hellish process of renewing my passport. Well technically it was fast, but the tellers had gone to lunch…which was about 1 hour long, so we had to wait outside for at least 2 hours because according to the security guard, I was about 398^th in line and there were only 5 tellers processing the whole queue of applicants.  Just so you know, there was 1392 applicants that day and each of us had the so called “appointment time.” Geez!!!

What’s good though is that I was able to calmly accomplish it without making a scene or having a bitch fit. (guys can have bitch fits too, y’know)

I also am broke. Even if I work my ass off day and night, it’s not enough. I’m planning to apply for a post-paid line. I’m also planning to buy a new phone, an iPad, and save up for my NCLEX application. The current job I have right now would at least take me a year to even save up for my NCLEX, how much more for all the things I wanna buy for myself?

I thought that I would be able to cut down costs just by eating bread during lunch, but no, I end up going to the grocery and buy tons of food just for 1 shift. (Pig out much…? dear god, please do not let me gain weight!)

I need to find work that would at least give me around let’s say about 20k per month? I think I could definitely have a new phone and process my papers for my NCLEX in about 4 months. Good luck with me if I can find a nursing job that pays out that well.

What’s weird is that I can always hear Tim Gunn saying to me: “Keep on doing what you are doing and make it work!”

It must be that I’m watching too much Project Runway or I’m just hallucinating.

On a lighter note: I booked two jobs... the first one is a hosting stint, the other one is for a mall tour with Daiana Meneses. *slow claps*

Dirty Dishes and De-constructed Dreams

earlier i was performing my duties as the Dish Washer. of course, it was piles and piles of dirty plates, cutleries, glasses, pots and pans which i have to manually wash. i’m not complaining though, because i know its my duty and avoiding my chore would mean that i’m trying to get away from responsibility.

to make this entry sensible, i have given up on my dream just to tend to my responsibilities as the eldest child in our family. i wanted to become a doctor, but because of financial constraints, i can’t be a doctor anymore. i know its sad, but i don’t have a choice. and being the eldest, even if its against my will, i have to support my sisters. there’s no way i can run away from that, i’m not a selfish kid anymore. maybe i’m maturing, but it doesn’t feel right to me. why am i the one who always compromises or compensates for the lack of what my parents can provide? im still a kid, i’m not even prepared to take on that whale of a responsibility. but i guess, i just have to. it’s what’s right and what’s moral. 

i was able to finish the dishes, will i be able to still live for my dream? i don’t even care anymore. i lost hope, but then again, i toughed it all out. i’ll just have to bear with it, i know someday, karma will smile upon me. and hopefully i will not smell like dirty dishwater when that time comes. 

night life

hot and sweaty, smelling like cigarettes but we’re not even smokers. that addictive high from epinephrine and endorphin. that heart-pounding, eardrum-breaking music. i almost forgot how it’s like when we party out all-night.

we get our bottles from the bar and immediately head on the dance floor. we push the other people aside and find our best spot. we start dancing crazily and we sway to the beat of the DJ. we throw our caution to the wind, letting go of every inhibition. dancing, gyrating, turning, pouting, grinding. we’re always careful about not spilling our drinks though. we don’t even care about people staring at us. it’s just us, the dance floor, the music and the booze.

the music never stopped, and so was our night. we grew tired and headed out for some air. that’s when we felt our knees and back really sore. signs of aging maybe? but yeah, we were getting old for this. the people that were dancing beside us, they were mere fetuses in comparison to us. its amazing how the kids these days are practically adults, but not entirely. we just enjoyed the night life a little late, while they are enjoying it as much as they can.

we got hungry after all that partying and raving, so we decided to pig out in McDonald’s. nothing beats a cheeseburger, a large box of fries and a big cup of diet coke. then we realized, maybe we are a bit too old for this scene. we have our ambitions yes, but we needed to unwind a bit. i guess it never hurts to indulge sometimes, but we do know we have responsibilities to attend to.

im craving for that high, im lusting for that inebriated feeling. maybe next week, i’ll do it again. wanna join?

*photo courtsesy of continuitylabs.com

halcyonic days

this next couple of days will be much stress free, i hope. i need to take a break from studying for a bit so that i can make sure i won't die while i'm taking my exam. i might not be active in any of my blogs, although i'm very much active on twitter and facebook. LMAO!

i'll try my best to not be distracted anymore, and if that means that i have to stop blogging incessantly, then *poof!* no more nikki. i'll try my best not to have "cardiac" problems for now, but who knows. i bet no one knows what singelringen is, and yes, i'm wearing one right now. tee hee.

one of my biggest fears is opening up to random people, where they can judge me and i've got nowhere to hide. its my safety blanket, but i'll take my best friend's advice to not be myself, even just for a day, and maybe i can see things in a new perspective. i am terrified of getting hurt(again) but i need to get over this really soon. i'm repulsive, i know... *slash wrist*

but yeah, things are looking much brighter now, because my review classes are gonna be over soon. wish me luck!

"the dog days are over, the dog days are done. the horses are coming, so you better run!"

today

choking with tears,

gagging with anger.

i closed my eyes,

a frigid heart mourns.

the scent of ink on my skin

on a deliriously languid afternoon.

searching for someone to talk to

has never been hard.

how pitiful

diyaspora

isa lang ako sa dinadami-dami ng mga pilipinong nars na nag-hahangad na mag-ibang bansa para tustusan ang gastos sa bahay, pagkain, at matrikula ng mga kapatid. kasalukuyang akong nagrereview para sa aking NCLEX. hindi ko lubusang maisip kung bakit kailangang kong iwan ang aking lupang sinilangan para lang sa salapi ng mga kano.

sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga gusto ang nursing. nakatatak kasi sakin ang isang imahe na utusan lang ng doktor ang isang nars. gusto ko maging doktor, pero hindi kaya ng aking mga magulang ang matrikula. hindi ko naman sila masisi, pero may ga-hiblang poot at galit na natira sa puso ko.

“sana naging doktor na lang si mommy, para mayaman na kami at naging doktor din ako.”

“sana hindi nagloko si daddy, para hindi na sila naghiwalay.”

ngayon lisensyado na ko, hindi naman ako makatulong sa mga gastos sa bahay. masyadong matagal ang anim na buwan na walang sweldo, tapos hindi pa garantisadong matatanggap ka sa ospital na nag “volunteer” ka. ikaw na ang nagbayad, ikaw pa ang hahabol sa mga ospital. humalo ang kapitalismo sa ospital, wala na akong magagawa dun. pera pera na ang usapan.

alam ko na mahirap pumasok bilang isang nars sa ospital, mapa probinsya man o sa maynila. alam ko rin na hindi sapat ang sweldo ng isang nars para tustusan ang pangangailangan ng pamilya. kaya sinubok kong pumasok sa call center, at doon ko natanto na nasasayang ang ang inaral ko ng apat na taon, ang dugo at pawis ng aking mga magulang upang mapagtapos lang ako ng aking kurso. kaya ko ba naisipang maghanap ng trabaho sa ibang bansa? malamang oo.

naiisip ko rin ang takot na mag-isa lang ako sa isteyts. wala akong kasama, wala akong katulong, wala akong kaibigang matatakbuhan kung magkaproblema man ako. siyempre, ma-mi-miss ko rin ang buhay sa pinas lalong lalo na ang mga tao sa buhay ko. hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin lubusang kumalma ang isip ko. kahit anong pilit kong isipin na para sa pamilya ko to, may onting pag-tanggi pa rin akong nararamdaman. normal na siguro yun. ayoko rin naman kasing mabansagang sutil na anak. buong buhay ko, naging mabait akong anak. pero sana maintindihan din nila na mahirap kayang mawalay sa kinalakihan mong bahay, sa kinalakihang mong mga tao, sa kinalakihang mong mga kaibigan. sa madaling salita, mahirap. kakayanin ko ba? dapat lang, pero ewan ko, ayaw ko.

malapit lapit na at magiging kasapi na ko sa diyaspora.
--------------------------------------------------------
wow, i posted that? shiz.

browned and dog-eared love

i really love reading books and buying them is a kind of therapy for me. i love discovering new titles and authors. i was with my mom last Friday at a local mall. i immediately gravitated to the book sale, hoping to get a copy of Veronika Decides To Die by Paulo Coelho or Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. apparently, they only sell those books that haven't hit the bestseller status from their main store. we purchased a couple of books and decided to head home.

i immediately rummaged my old cabinet/library/bookshelf. i found out that there are a couple of my books that have been neglected due to my unbelievable schedules. Hope For The Flowers, The Tao Of Pooh, Sophie's World, Harry Potter series, Lord Of The Ring series, Alice In Wonderland, The Art Of War... the list could go on and on, but they were worn out and battered. even before the internet was a hit, i was reading those beloved books, some of which aren't even mine. i actually believe that they were my friends... but i forgot all about them. especially when they were the one's who kept me in check while growing up in a not so functional home.

i felt bad for being a terrible bookkeeper. how could i have forgotten my friends. they are now dilapidated and forlorn. my grandma could scold me if ever she sees the state of the books that she gave me before. being an OC that i am, i decided to dust them and keep them safe. i think i should let my nursing books start collecting dust instead of my "prized" possessions. (no offense to my nursing books, i love them too, but geez, i've been reading them for 4 years)

i think i'll give away some of my books too, they couldn't all fit inside the bookshelf anymore. too bad my sisters didn't inherit my grandma's and my mom's love for books. it's kinda sad seeing how my books are browned and dog-eared now, but it shows my love for books. call it signs of aging(?) and crap it would also show how much i aged/changed over the years.

p.s.: currently re-reading The Wind In The Willows. how i love my childhood!!! <3

developmental milestones.

its kinda amusing to see how people crash and burn when it comes to the matters of the heart, but experiencing it first hand is not necessarily nice too. so many questions, too little answers. everything is a puzzle...

no matter how hard we prepared for it, how we meticulously gathered information about it, it always catches us off-guard. it always has been that way, i just don't know about the other "couples" out there. i hate to admit it, but i get seriously jealous over those uberly sweet couples. i mean, c'mon, do you guys really have to show off in public? its sickeningly sweet, but i still get envious of them.

i thought i fell in-love with someone these past few months, but i guess i just fell in-love inside my head. its hard to make someone fall for you if they really don't like to be in-love in the first place. and yes, no matter how hard you try, you'll always get pushed to the periphery, cause for them, you're not special. i don't know what got into me but i thought everything was gonna change according to my well thought-out plan. heck i even squeeze in some random thoughts about what my next date will be in my brown Starbucks planner.

i'm at that part of my life where its; intimacy vs. isolation (Goddamn you Erik Erikson!). do i really need someone for me to be ok? i have been living my life for 22 freaking years, alone, happy and content. did i just want to fall in-love just for the laughs of it? i'm pretty sure i'm not in it for nothing. i'm also not afraid of falling into a bottomless abyss, it was my fault in the first place, no one else to blame, right? do i even have the right to be with someone? after that pseudo flirtationship with platonic, i'm still clueless.

i have no right to judge people, i have no basis, no exact evidence to cite. such complexities aren't tackled in the classroom. if only the matters of love was written in a textbook, i could have read it, re-read it over and over again. there are no rules in love, no exact formula, no disambiguated concepts. each and every phenomenon of it is quite different from each other. so i beg to disagree to those people who claim to be "experts" in love; more like saying "hey, trust me, it works for only $9.95." i could go on and on, but the point is, there's no way you can explain love. and why do i still keep posting about it?!


logic is more tangible, how i wish i could apply all my learned theories to love. speaking of which, my 2nd episode is still not done. hopefully i can get enough inspiration to work with it and post it.

*goes back to the recluse shelf, looking for a good read.

migraine

oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
hanggang dito na lang ako, nangangarap na mapasayo.

masakit tanggapin pero, hindi kasi ako ang tipo ng tao na nag-dedemand ng gusto. hindi ko kaya sabihin na, sana ako na lang ang piliin mo. hindi ko naman kasalanan na ganito ako, pero hindi ko rin isini-sisi sayo. nahulog ako mag-isa, tapos nagpapakita ka rin na nahuhulog ka na, pero hindi ako ang priority mo.

gusto kong sabihin sa muka mo, na gusto ko, ako ang priority mo.

asan ba ako sayo? andiyan pa ba sa iyo? aasa ba ko sayo?

may mga pagkakataon na parang gusto ko ng bumitaw, kasi pakiramdam ko wala kang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. nagsisikap ako na suyuin ka't lahat, pero ikaw ni mag-text man lang, hindi pa magawa. para kong kinakausap ang pader, walang kwenta.

gusto ko kahit isang text man lang sa isang araw, yung tipong magpapasaya sakin kahit sobrang pagod na ko.

gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo.

alam ko sa sarili ko na nahulog na ko. pero kung ikaw ayaw mo, wag mo na kong paasahin. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo, bibitaw naman ako. hindi ako masasaktan, tanggap ko na, na hindi talaga pwede. sabihin mo lang kung ayaw mo na, at ako ang kusang bibitaw.

magkakasakitan pa ba tayo bago ko malaman ang katotohanan? sabihin mo lang na ayaw mo na, titigil ako, para sayo.

first taglish post... yuck

i paint my world with the color of chaos

there i was again, staring blankly into the dark sky. i wanted to reach for it but i decided not to anymore. i realized that maybe not all things are meant to be grasped for. there’s this innate feeling of reaching for something but in actuality, in the back of our minds, we all know that we will not ever get that something.

i gave up searching because i learned that if you try to search, you’ll just end up hurt and tired from it. if things are meant to come your way, then they will.

patience goes a long way, which i’m apparently running short of too.

in the end i gave up searching and reaching, too much drama and emotions. i bottled my dreams up and threw it to the sea, never to be found again. i succumbed to the infinite cycle of chaos and dispute over material things. i’ll lose my individuality just for the sake of practicality, because that is what i feel politically correct right now.

i’m throwing my dreams away because of the greater good it will do. i might not achieve what i wanted but at least i know i’ve contributed something in this world, eventhough its not i’ve planned for. it’s sad and bleak, but who cares. i’ve given up on myself so what’s the use of fending for me. i’m not scared of the future anymore, nothing will amaze me anymore. i’m still keeping my faith but my hopes are all dried up like prunes now.

i bit my tongue while chewing on a Christmas Candy Cane. FML

tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock

So i found out that platonic is really taking the CPA's this year, which i kinda had a feeling that he did, due to my excessive stalking prowess. I wanted to ask platonic out last Valentine's day via SMS, and it went something like this:

Neurotic: Hey, what's up?

Platonic: I'm ok ^.^

Neurotic: I wanna go out, lets have some coffee on monday? Nothing fancy just plain Starbucks.

Platonic: Can't, have to study. I need to sleep... zzZZzzZZ

Neurotic: Ok then... I'll just spend Valentine's alone then. Hahaha! Nighty.

Failed attempt, yes? Geez, I was looking forward to meeting platonic again... Anyway, I spent my Valentine's alone, doing laundry and cleaning the whole house. Apparently, I have a ton of clothes inside my closet that I must dispose or at least give to the needy.

I kind of feel stupid for doing that, but heck, I really want platonic in my life. The days spent stalking on Facebook would be meaningless if platonic would never go out with me. Besides we kissed at the most awkward place ever... *pukes, then giggles* and platonic was the one who asked for it, I just obliged. LOL

I know how it feels to study for a licensure exam, its a lot like hell. You can certainly feel the time running out, or you're running after time, or time is running after you. It's stress to the nth level. I understand...

Platonic must realize that I'm also running after time, I might have to leave in a year... I guess platonic still doesn't get that but I'll let platonic decide whether to throw me away or keep me. I can also feel that I'm running out of time, or running after time, or time is running after me. I just need reassurance that platonic will hold on, if platonic decides to let go, then I'll gladly do it.

only fools rush in

There’s always this part of me that tries to believe that love is magical. Well, for the first few months of a relationship, yes there’s a lot of magic. But what would happen if that magical feeling disappeared? We were enchanted by this notion that love is always magical, including me. But yeah in reality, there’s always pain when there is love.

“The head is above the heart for a reason.”

Sure it is, but its not the brain that is falling in love. It’s the heart that makes you want to do those stupid things. Sometimes you can’t help but do it. If you are somehow able to inhibit all those craziness then i salute you. I’ve never seen anyone not go crazy when they’re in love. We think that is only normal to go crazy when we are in-love. But if you think closely, if the relationship fails, you’d be left with nothing, not even your dignity. So yeah, only fools rush in.

Then again, if you dont let your defenses down, no one would be able to come in. We are in such predicament to as whether to fall head over heels or keep your shields up. It’s also this situation where we get tired of waiting for someone who can sweep us of our feet. And that long wait can also lead to your downfall.

Love is complicated, i’m not gonna deny that. I myself wish that it would be as simple as ABC’s too. But from what i observed and learned from every movie, from every failed relationship, from my friend’s anguish, is that love always goes with pain. If only people would realize that and not believe that love is all sparks and cuddles, then maybe it will get less complicated. Sadly, people only accept the benefits of love, and in the end they’re the ones who become bitter suicidal ex-es.

Only fools rush in is still true. And hopefully, i’m not gonna be one. I’ll do my best to apply my theories and concepts on this four letter word that makes everyone cray-cray, hopefully. :)