its kinda amusing to see how people crash and burn when it comes to the matters of the heart, but experiencing it first hand is not necessarily nice too. so many questions, too little answers. everything is a puzzle...
no matter how hard we prepared for it, how we meticulously gathered information about it, it always catches us off-guard. it always has been that way, i just don't know about the other "couples" out there. i hate to admit it, but i get seriously jealous over those uberly sweet couples. i mean, c'mon, do you guys really have to show off in public? its sickeningly sweet, but i still get envious of them.
i thought i fell in-love with someone these past few months, but i guess i just fell in-love inside my head. its hard to make someone fall for you if they really don't like to be in-love in the first place. and yes, no matter how hard you try, you'll always get pushed to the periphery, cause for them, you're not special. i don't know what got into me but i thought everything was gonna change according to my well thought-out plan. heck i even squeeze in some random thoughts about what my next date will be in my brown Starbucks planner.
i'm at that part of my life where its; intimacy vs. isolation (Goddamn you Erik Erikson!). do i really need someone for me to be ok? i have been living my life for 22 freaking years, alone, happy and content. did i just want to fall in-love just for the laughs of it? i'm pretty sure i'm not in it for nothing. i'm also not afraid of falling into a bottomless abyss, it was my fault in the first place, no one else to blame, right? do i even have the right to be with someone? after that pseudo flirtationship with platonic, i'm still clueless.
i have no right to judge people, i have no basis, no exact evidence to cite. such complexities aren't tackled in the classroom. if only the matters of love was written in a textbook, i could have read it, re-read it over and over again. there are no rules in love, no exact formula, no disambiguated concepts. each and every phenomenon of it is quite different from each other. so i beg to disagree to those people who claim to be "experts" in love; more like saying "hey, trust me, it works for only $9.95." i could go on and on, but the point is, there's no way you can explain love. and why do i still keep posting about it?!
logic is more tangible, how i wish i could apply all my learned theories to love. speaking of which, my 2nd episode is still not done. hopefully i can get enough inspiration to work with it and post it.
*goes back to the recluse shelf, looking for a good read.