Existential Crisis Part 24

“I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.”
—
Haruhn Yahya 

So, yeah my blog has finally accumulated cobwebs and shit. I haven't written anything decent as a matter of fact, even on my tumblr. The past few months have been like a crazy roller coaster. Commuting to far flung areas that I have never imagined of going to. Dealing with people who demand so much but give so little. Co-workers who just make office life the seventh ring of hell. Basically, life. I never even thought I had one to be honest.

Apart from that, almost everyone from my batch mates, both in high school and college, has their lives put together. Meanwhile, I'm still flopping around like a fish out of water. Oh you know, me and my infinite downward spiral. As far as I know, I'm trying out whatever changes I can do with my life and none of them seem to work. Good job, me. Good job indeed.

The worst realization upon quitting my job is that I'm gonna be a quarter of a century year old soon. GODFREAKINGDAMMIT.

I'm just grateful that I am still here and I'm okay. I'm just "winging" everything to get by, I might even have mastered that skill.

Distance

As I lay on my warm bed, my skin feeling sticky and sweaty, I exasperated. The hot air blowing from the fan brushes on my hair and face. The gentle droning of the fan is slowly lulling me to a deep slumber.

Somehow, the empty space beside me just feels so enormous. I felt longing and yearning, but there was no one. You were just miles away.

My skin prickles with something more than just yearning. My hands tried to mimic yours. It moved over my ticklish places; the ones that you love touching and kissing. I’ve always liked how my skin feels slippery after you kissed them.

I hugged my pillow as tightly as I can. The heat was getting more intense. My heart was racing and I was panting. I closed my eyes and imagined you were here, caressing my pale, sweaty and silky skin.

My groin felt ticklish and numb while I was lucidly dreaming about you. I felt my hands slipping and stroking. I was giving in.

My lips were as dry as the Gobi. I wet them while moaning. If only you could see how sad this scene was. These were the scenes that we were supposed to be doing together. You could see and feel how I miss you; how I lust for you.

I was burning against the orange-tinged sunset behind my window. I should always maintain my silent dignity, for it is the only thing that is left with me. I will wait, but I can’t wait forever.

And when the deed was done, I lay there wet and limp like a lily.

These are the languid vestiges of my sultry and lonely afternoons.

- I didn't know I had these kind of posts. When and how did I write these? OMG.

Homegirl's Back

So, homegirl and I decided to go out drinking after New Year. We talked about lots of stuff; like who's pregnant from our class, who's getting married and who has jobs. LOL. [Well, we all know what my current employment status is: it's complicated.] So there, I decided to ask her if she already has a boyfriend or something. She said she's still waiting for Mr. Right. She’s had a bit of a trouble with boys/men, so she doesn’t want to go there for now. But I felt like she needs someone, you know? Someone that looks after her and stuff like that. So I guffawed and felt like my eyes rolled 360 degrees, from left to right.

"Honey, if Mr. Right hasn't found you yet, maybe it's time that you find him. It's taking you too long and you look like you need Mr. Right. Well, not Mr. Right Now, but at least someone to be intimate with at least," I told her.

"Oh hell no, I got you and my family. I think that's enough 'action' for me. Emotional investments aren't my thing," she replied.

"Oh stop being an old maid, you pretty little thing you. C’mon, let's go and have a look-see while the night is young."

“Eeeh, we’re not prepared. I look normal. I don’t have my hooker clothes in the car.”

“You wench.”

I managed to nudge her to go out and go have some fun. We arrived at a bar looking all normal and stuff. We already saw a couple of cuties on our way in. Sat in the corner and talked in hush tones trying to look nonchalant, when this dashing young lad approached us. He asked for my homegirl’s name and then he said his. She asked for his age and when he told us, I felt like our faces turn white. He’s freaking 18 and he was looking for a “girl” tonight. Homegirl’s eyes and mine met for a sec and we immediately connected, like telepathy. He’s looking for sex. Oh dear God. So yes, he was pied off right away. I went to get more drinks and homegirl did what she has to do.

“These kids, what the heck are they doing here? We didn’t whore ourselves out when we we’re 18,” I whispered in her ear.

“Yeah, well, times change.”

“I suppose so.”

We continued sipping our drinks. We didn’t want to chug it down because we had to make our drinks last. To our dismay, we didn’t get a single drink from any of the cuties near the door. Homegirl has a talent to get sponsors when we wanted to grab free drinks in a bar. I could never pull it off in a hetero bar though.

“Looks like we’re getting rusty,” she said.

“Nah, we’re just not prepared. Besides, I think this is not our venue anymore. ‘This’ scene was so 3 years ago.”

“Yeah.”

We were about to finish and grab coffee instead when another guy approached us and tried to wince his way in our conversation. I glanced at homegirl and I saw that she was interested. I excused myself and gestured homegirl to just text me whatever happens. I went to a café and just as soon as I got on a chair my phone vibrated.

“I got one. Hehehe,” from homegirl’s number.

“Good, now, you gonna play or is he a keeper? *wink*” I replied

“I don’t know yet. I’m in no mood for playing. He’s smart though. I got his number.”

“Good for you! Hope he stays. He is kinda cute. LOL!”

“Yeah you think so? I think I should keep him interested. Mehehe. *grin*”

“You go Glenn Coco. Imma go home. I hope you had fun.”

“Yeah I did! Thank you. Let’s just hope cutiepie stays.”

I went home and went to bed. I felt happy to see my homegirl back. The cheerful, flirty and silly girl I’ve always been close friends with. I was waiting for her text before I sleep, but of course being a narcoleptic that I am, I dozed off. I woke up and got a text from her after lunch.

“Oh my god, he’s amazing. *wink*,” from homegirl’s number.

“You dirty little hoe. HAHAHAHA! So I’m guessing that you did it?”

“Well, yep, but that’s not the point. I like him… A lot.”

“Woah, do you think… he might be the one?”

“Maybe, but you know, ultimately, I’m the one who’s gonna make it happen anyways. If he’s not Mr. Right yet, then I’ll wait until he decides to become My Mr. Right. Lol.”

“Wow, feisty. That’s why we’re friends. Hahaha! Anyways, how was he? *grins*”

“Didn’t I tell you that he was ‘AMAZING’? C’mon man, a girl never kisses and tells. *grin*”

“Ah Touché! Hahaha.”

“Plus, I already told him about us. How we’re like a couple but not really. So… he wants you to meet his best buddy. I think you’ll like him. Hehehe. *wink*”

“Oh…?”

Then I got a picture message via Viber. I was skeptical at first, but then when the image loaded, my jaws dropped. He was like Andrew Wolfe and Papa Chen mixed together. I would post his picture but then, I'm afraid he might kill me if he knew.

"WTF? Is this really cutiepie's friend? Why is life so unfair?" I texted immediately.

"Yep. After you left, he dropped by. Cutiepie was asking me a lot of stuff about you. So there, I spilled a bit. Haha. Then he asked me if you wanted someone too. I said yes, because I knew you would say that too. *wink*"

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!” I replied.

“Cause I love you. Hehehe. Get dressed, we’re meeting him at 2. We’ll pick you up around quarter to 1. Dress to impress, honey, dress to impress.”

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Sprouts

So 2012 has gone by and I'm still quite on loose ground. I am looking for work. Specifically something that has creative freedom. I've already done bits and pieces of odd jobs in the past 2, almost 3 years. I think I know what I want now. I've gained experience and insight to what I can and cannot do. I just want a job that   makes me happy. Cause you know, there's a big difference between "working to live" and "living to work."

I know I've worked my butt off for my prestigious(?) license and stuff, but honestly I don't care about it anymore. I just use it as a government issued ID now. I mean yeah, I can still remember stuff I can do within my scope of practice. I can still save lives, but it lost its luster to me. I've already gone out of that self-hypnotism, I've moved on. Let's just say it'll just become a part of my "turmoil" phase.

Anyways, I've always wanted to set-up a hole-in-the-wall kind of cafe/pub. A place to hang-out for those creative junkies. Kinda like, CubaoX meets an upscale, snooty coffee shop. Artisanal coffee and pastries in the morning, then booze and indie music at night. The place will be covered in all kinds of books, which the customers can read during their stay in the premises. Nothing too mainstream really. I also don't believe in those insane amounts of money they charge people for a cup of coffee. I think I've never been a place like that in the metro, that's why I wanna set it up. And go away idea-stealers.

Right now, I need work so I can earn and save money for this so-called business plan I'm about to head into. I've got tons of work to draw out before I can pull this one off. I'm no business management graduate but I know its going to be fruitless if I dove in with eyes closed. So yes, I need work: for my MA and the capital for this goal. It's not a dream, yet... I'm just changing my current to this one, piece by piece.

I've got my work cut out for me again, that is if I can keep my shit together. Keep calm and carry on.

Graceful Exits

You know, I've always wanted to backpack out of randomness. No particular place in mind, just let my feet carry me somewhere far away. But I've always told myself, once I leave for somewhere very very far and I’m all alone, I might never find my way back, or rather I might never wanna come back. In the end, I just sit here and wait for someone to take me away, so I know I can always come back. I guess I’m just being my silly and fickle self again.

I think I am in friend-love with you

“I Think I Am In Friend-Love With You” written by and illustrated by Yumi Sakugawa, published in Sadie Magazine, 2012.

Paroxysms

I have to admit, I do keep my dating accounts still active. Sort of an ego boost. Just to check how I still rate with dating sites and shit. Once in a while, I do get invites, I just turn them down. I feel more powerful and attractive that way. It’s like my way of flipping my middle finger to those who rejected me in the past. Petty.

Every now and then there’s a gem of an idiot who’ll bump on my profile and harass me. They’ll prolly ask for sex and one night stands, that’s how it usually goes in dating sites anyways. More like a hook-up site rather than a friendly dating site and in this era, who would go out in friendly dates anyways? Nuninuninuni.

Not to brag, but ugh, it gets annoying at some point. It's like opening a can of worms again. They just can't stop. Uh uh no they won't.

I have to say though, these paroxysms are just like hiccups. I don’t take them seriously. I just chat with them and interact with them. If they are decent enough, then we become friends and buddies. I don’t really viciously tear them up for no reason, I do it those who deserve that. Just to give them a taste of their own bitter medicine.

And making sure you distance yourself is how to do it perfectly without backlashes. Then do a quick hair flip to make sure you feel alpha.

The Hanging Tree

Are you, Are you

Coming to the tree

Where they strung up a man they say murdered three

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, Are you

Coming to the tree

Where the dead man called out for his love to flee

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, Are you

Coming to the tree

Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

Are you, Are you

Coming to the tree

Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.

Strange things did happen here,

No stranger would it be,

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

Seems like, I'm getting in a bit of a trouble here.

-Mockingjay

Lonely Lamp Posts

Waiting in a car, 
Waiting for a ride in the dark.
The night city grows.
Look and see her eyes, they glow.

And there he was, with lips glistening. A smell of angst and sex lingers. He's absolutely stunning. I took another shot of Stolichnaya. I didn't catch his name, it doesn't really matter. What I was feeling wasn't really attraction or anything to that extent. I was actually repulsed. Why was I drinking alone?

Waiting for a roar,
Looking at the mutating skyline.
The City is my church,
It wraps me in the sparkling twilight.

He kept on pushing himself onto me while I was sitting on the stool. I didn't budge a bit. Grabbed my bag instead and headed out of the bar. To my surprise he followed me. I leaned on the lone lamp post a few blocks away and felt myself slump to the floor. The world was spinning, I've drank too much again. I looked up, the pretty lights were swirling in deep indigo.

"Come on Nik, you've had too much. Fun is good, but this is ridiculous," says the stranger.
"No! Lemme stay for here a bit. I can't go with you. I've to get home and sleep. My mom would kill me."
"Alright, let me get a cab then. I'll drop you off."

Waiting in the car,
Waiting for a ride in the dark.
Drinking in the lounge,
Following the neon signs.

Picked up my bag and unceremoniously threw up in the gutters. I've swung my head just to check if anyone is nearby doing the same thing. None. Just me and the stranger. Managed to move my shoes away from the putrid projectile.

I saw the stranger move closer. He got a cab. I tried my best to stand up straight, but I buckled and swayed. He grabbed my left arm and hauled me inside to the back of the cab. I smelled like shit. Good thing I still had my bottled water, mints and some alcohol.

This is screwed up. I might die of shame. And I was surprised he knew where I lived. I felt his arm hover over my head. The quintessential boyfriend-in-the-cinema move. Shit. I was in nowhere near normalcy to defend myself from whatever. I groaned. He laughed. I fell asleep.

He nudged me. I was stirred up from my drunken stupor. I realized we were in my neighborhood. I scurried out of the cab and I heard muffled noises. I didn't bother looking back. I found another lamp post. I emptied my guts out in full force now.

I managed to slide into the house without waking anyone. I took off every bit of clothing, showered and brushed my teeth. Drank 2 tablets of Advil and water. Put on my pajamas and slept. When I woke up, I heard my phone beep before it died. Plugged it in and the messages all came in at once.

"You idiot, you just don't know when to stop don't you," from an unknown number.
"Oh was it you? God, I didn't even ask for your name. I'm sorry."
"It's alright Nik. You really don't recognize me? We went to the same school back in 2003."
"Huh? Not really. I can't remember people in my school unless you were significant."
"Hahaha. I was the transferee. That should ring a bell. :D"

I didn't reply afterwards.

Holy fuck. My awkward history with high school: it all struck me like I'm sort of a lightning rod. He was really cute back then. In college, I found out he had an account with Downelink. My other gay classmates were pairing me and him. But I never really did talk to guy. He was a part of the cool and macho kids. I was a part of the nerds. So there's no common ground for anything. In fact, I just wished the the ground opened up and swallowed me and my bruised ego.

I cringed. I really liked that guy. He was handsome. He wasn't as smart as me though. But he's changed. He's hot now. Ugh... I blushed at the thought. Then I slapped myself high.

I still get his texts and I casually reply hi and hello. But that's about it.

It's so sad that the lamp posts had seen my humiliating night. It's like they're bowing its head, feeling sorry for me. I bet it's not only me that they saw. If only they could talk.

When I'm Small

I love being small. Being incognito, you have some margin of error in whatever you do. I fit in places that people can't reach. I can actually reach out and do more when I'm small.

********

I applied as a Junior Copywriter for a web advertising company. They were surprised that I was a nurse and yet I had the audacity to apply and champion myself for the position. My writing "inexperience" was really the icing to the cake.

 I have been blogging for over 7 years and I already have the feel of having some readership.  I know it's not a lot right now, but it helps. And they were probably surprised that I can write my ass off. So yes, I'm starting small again.

They were also surprised that I did freelance writing for websites as well. I told them how bad the compensation was and their eyes lit up in an instant. Hook, line and sinker? Probably. I'll have to wait for their call on Monday.

********

After my interview, I went out with a slutty friend in Ortigas. He was telling me how he was sexually depraved and was asking for my help and flirting prowess(?) which apparently, I don't even know I have. He  was actually seeing someone but while they were doing it inside the motel, the guy saw a girl ghost while he was thrusting away(TMI!!!!) and didn't climax. My friend, in turn, didn't get a good oomphing as well. He was disappointed big time. Third Eye (the-guy-that-doesn't-come, figuratively) started to clam up on my Slut Friend after the untoward incident.

Damn it. LOL.

And then I enter the scene.

So we were trying to plan our attack. I had this gay dating app on my phone. He has one too. So what we did was we flaunted my profile. My profile was a killer, I had 5 guys asking for a booty call in a span of 30 minutes after going online. My ego was as big as the Empire State when I got pinged multiple times. Oh dear, I have unleashed something vicious and carnal. My hunting instincts went back and the usual conversation goes like this...

victim: Hey.
me: Yo, whats up pal?
victim: You up for some fun?
me: Yeah sure. I have someone though. Mind if we all get along and play nice? ;)
victim: Teka gwapo ba?
me: Oo. Kasing gwapo ko.
(i ask my friend to send his pics to the victim)
victim: Nyay, panget eh. Hahaha! Kilala ko na yan, hindi ko nga nirereplyan eh. Yaw ko. Kaw na lang. Punta ka dito sa *ksdfhjgsdjfsjdf*
me: Nah nevermind. Thanks.

I turn to my friend and he was fuming.

"Putanginang mga panget yan ayaw magsi-reply, eh mas maganda kutis ko sa kanila eh!!! Kala mo kung sinong gwapo..."

Well, honestly I didn't know what to say. My friend looks like me. He has a very smooth skin, pale and androgynous as me. He has kpop hair as well. He's an inch shorter than me, that makes him like 5'10'' and we really look like twins. He's smart and he knows stuff I don't. He is fucking rich as well. (So if any of you guys wanna "do" him a favor, just let me know. LOL) He is still studying though and he is asking me for help with his thesis.

Then I felt pity for my Slut Friend. We kinda stopped doing our plan after that, cause it backfired. I mean he doesn't have to resort to this kind of debasement. I just advised him that he has to wait for Third Eye. Third Eye promised him a "second wind" sort to speak. So I just told him that he doesn't have to scratch the itch right now and wait for Third Eye to come(no pun intended) around. I told him that: "If it's gonna be Third Eye, then things will happen by themselves. There is hope, hold on to it for a little longer." *insert a long deep sigh*

He is a sweet kid, but yeah, raging whoremones. And he also has a bruised ego. I seem to have taken a young padawan under my wise tutelage.

Oh god...

********

I don't know but I get through stuff and shit when I'm incognito. That feeling of having no expectations on you makes me feel confident and braver.

And my ego auto-deflates itself. So no need to worry. Little Nikki has no problems with his ego.

I can't publish this on my tumblr since my future bosses will be checking on my blog on a regular basis. I was even proud of my blog. Now I can't be all sweary and informal. Fuckity...

Monsoon

Strangely, I just love the atmosphere after a heavy downpour. 

So crisp and clean, yet so wistful and somber. 

The muted grays and whites and opalescent blues melting together, put me into an eerie trance-like ambedo.

There's that slight chill which is always welcome, it bites through my skin.

It’s like the whole world has taken a bath with me.

My (Proposed) List of PUJ Etiquette

For Drivers:

• Wag sana parahan lahat ng tao sa tabi ng kalsada lalo na’t pag alas sais ng umaga o gabi.If its already rush hour, try to rush. People will fight for their lives just to ride inside one. The concept is to rush to go home or get to work, but Manong Drivers like to dilly dally for their boundary. It defeats the purpose of rush hour. I swear, they’ll get their boundary when its already rush hour. It’s like The Hunger Games’ Cornucopia. 
• Please, do not smoke while driving. The passengers do not like to have burnt cigarette blown to their faces… especially me. 
• Try to take a shower before doing your pasada. Nuff’ said.

For Passengers:

• Girls, please wear a headband or tie your hair in a ponytail. We get that your hair is beautiful, long and soft, but we do not appreciate it smacking our faces or worse, eating it. Kay? 
• Again, for everyone, please take a bath before you decide to ride a jeep. To put emphasis on that; Construction Workers. 
• I think that people with disabilities, elderly and children should ride with someone else to assist them. The wildlife inside the jeep are diverse and some of the passengers are like sloths. They don’t even budge an inch just to let other people sit. 
• Dear guys-who-think-they-have-big-dicks, please, don’t spread your legs as if you own the damned jeep. Other people like to sit comfortably(like me who is a human giraffe) and a little compromise wouldn’t hurt. Oh woops, your ego got bruised? 
• Try not to intentionally trip the person going in/getting out of the jeep.Been there, done that. Wa poise tsong. 
• Do not put your cellphones on speakerphone. I’m sorry but we’re not interested in hearing your convo’s filled with sexual innuendos. The streets of Metro Manila are filled with all kinds of “denizens” and we do not want to attract the ones wielding knives and guns. And please stop calling Dudung your “bave,” ate. 
• I think everyone should say thank you to the person who helped you pass your fare to Manong Driver. Manners people, we still have them. Being in a jeep doesn’t automatically remove your morals now, isn’t it? 
• If it’s raining, don’t flourish your umbrella like its a sword. Ano, aso lang? Winagayway para mambasa. 

In any case, this is just a list my observations. These are just of some the things that I hate about riding a PUJ. I know that it looks like a little too snooty, but in other countries, they really have ‘em. And a little breeding and class doesn’t hurt.

Feel free to add more. :))

The Archons

“We all get hurt.”

Sometimes, it is what we need to learn from mistakes. Although, for us to learn, we need to realize why we got hurt and how we can avoid it next time. It’s already bad as it is to get hurt, but to actually admit the truth that we did something stupid, is even worse. Yes? And somehow, when we finally absorb the whole immensity of the situation, that’s when we find resolution and end our misery.

It takes maturity and wisdom to accept things that are and that are not. Frankly, I like how my friends are maturing now at different paces. It’s gratifying to see that we are headed somewhere good.

And sometimes, getting hurt is one of our most epiphanic moments. It gives clarity to the chaos that is inside. Of course, our way of epiphany needs a little dousing of alcohol. Golden moments.

It was my dream to be with people who I can grow with, be crazy with, be stupid with. It's finally come true. It just amazes me how much we have changed in a span of few months. It just makes me all the more rooted with them. 

Oh now I believe we should be transcending the humani ways of learning.

Oh the places you put it in.

Last Friday, my classmates from high school asked me out on a random dinner date. I obliged since I had no plans for that day actually.

I took the MRT to Trinoma. The trip was excruciatingly smelly. It smelled like a sweaty, oniony, musky dilapidated zoo inside the car of the train. I think a few of my neurons died in that 5 minute ride from Kamuning station to North Ave.

So there, we had dinner and got coffee. We're catching up on very important life changing topics(ie: sex, lovelife, work, more sex, and more lovelife.) when one of us popped the idea of getting drunk that night. I seconded the motion and voila they all ganged up on me. With grins on their faces, they coerced me to say yes. They wanted to go to O-bar Ortigas.

Oh dear god...

Well, after a litany of persuasive attempts, they caught me unguarded. I've never been to that bar, they all said it was prolly time to be "exposed" to such places. They are actually frequent flyers of the bar. I trust them.

I just wanted to get really drunk... like roaring, puking, rolling drunk. SHITFACED DRUNK FTW! I didn't need to pick up or get picked up; no need for social interaction with the crowd there. I have my own agenda it doesn't involve sex or making out. I went there to dance and drink myself crazy.

We got there around 12mn. I remember seeing a lot of smoke. I guess it was to cover up the uglies inside. IDK...

As soon as we stepped in, there were naked guys already, dancing on the darkest corners of the room. Guys(?) ogled and drooled. Quite expected.

We settled in the most spacious corner. We looked like yuppies, I looked like shit... well not really. It's just that I came from work and I felt sticky and sweaty already.  I looked like a dignified school kid.

So we got our first round of drinks and we already feel a couple of eyes going our group's way. We flicked our hair and wrists and shoo'd them away. Bitch mode was definitely on that night.

People started pouring in groups. There were the Thundercats, the gym-goers, the jejemons, the foreigners, the nerdies, the rich guys, the athletes and the good-looking ones. It was sad because the latter only had a few members... and they were already paired up with each other.

What the hell was I thinking?

Then girls came in! My eyes rolled to the back of their sockets, all the way to my occipital lobe. Oh, hell no.

So yeah, we danced in a very tight knit circle to prevent others from penetrating (no pun intended) our very posh(?) group.

It was getting cramped and then the music stopped and the lights went off. EVA PAPAYA CAME ON STAGE! OH MY FUCKING GOD! Can you imagine?! *insert sarcasm here*

DAFUQ?! SERIOUSLY?

My jaws unhinged and dropped on the floor. My brain did a triple backflip and a half twist in midair and fell on pile of rusty nails.

We went out to get smokes(and gum for me since I die with smoke) around 2am. We discussed things and they all laughed at me because I was freaking out inside. Then I thought, I must salvage this night. I need to enjoy.

We headed back with hands held together. As we were getting close to the bar to get our drinks, one my friends just shouted. "FUCK! WHERE'S MY WALLET!!!"

It seems that his wallet was pick-pocketed from his leather satchel bag. We went berserk.

We headed straight to the bouncers and reported the incident. Apparently, there were 4 similar incidents that happened that night. It was nothing new for them. It's like they just mocked us and I felt rage building inside my tummy.

I made a few calls and my friend had his ATM blocked right away. I swear, that bar will burn in a fiery mass of sulphuric destruction (no biblical implications intended.)

So there, officially the night was ruined. We cried and laughed at the same time. It was something very new to me and it was traumatizing. I don't think I will be going to that place ever again. Maybe, when security is as tight as a girl's vagina then okay, I might go back.

On the way out, I decided to go the restroom to freshen up. I saw 3 men making out. I averted my eyes and poof, 2 more guys making out. OH HELL NO! I did not sign up for this! I thought to myself.

No offense to those who go there frequently, but my first time just sucked balls... literally. Well, I think all my first times sucked balls.

I went inside my cab and thought this might just be a weird and stupid dream. It was like I was re-watching a very sad movie.

Shocked to the bones.

Blue

Lamictal, Lexapro.

Doc says okay.

Raspy voice.

Terrified.

Eat more brocolli,
No chocolates.
Fuck you,
Grin.

Speak softly idiot!
Run two miles,
Breathe in.
Clay.

Lithium, Valium
More Yoga.
Diarized,
Write.

Period

Okay, so yeah, I'm yet again on the brink of being broke. After this very brief stint with HSBC, I am not certain if they would still retain me for my exemplary service. I very much am ready if ever that circumstance would happen. A pang of sorrow does still hit me right in the middle of my chest whenever I hear the words:

"It's done! We're done. 64 fucking thousand names and we've cleaned them all. Great job team!"

Great job team, great job me.

The higher management hasn't really put a mandate yet on whether they'd give me the next project. I was championing myself because I know it will be stressful but I know I can handle. I am very flexible(insert sexual innuendo), adaptive and nonchalant. I thrive in stress. Period.

Apart from that, I haven't really thought about what job should I get into next. I just thought I need one because I was prepping myself for school... My plans are foiled again.

I would have gone drinking last night and went to work all shitfaced and wasted, but instead me and my friends just bashed it all out in a good round of DoTA. Kinky?

Honestly, right now, I am in work... Twiddling thumbs. All work-related activities seem so moot to me right now.

Mr. Danforth Thackeray has yet to find himself another niche to live in.

Oh boy, boobs!

Second Chance

"You can't count on a second chance. The second chance will never be found."


I am tired.

"You stick to what you knew before, don't know what you like? Just make up your mind."


And now, I am.

Pussycat, Pussycat, Where Have You Been?

Last night, a dear friend just celebrated his birthday.

And here I am, audacious enough to make a blog post about it.

The original plan was to have a tea and biscuit party... Apparently, that idea was immediately thrown out the window. I was asked to buy vodka for the whole soiree. So there, I still bought vodka and some biscuits and yogurt.

I got to the venue and the loud booming of the music reverberated inside the house. Okay. Not what I hoped for.

Rihanna would have been so proud of us when we raped her song over and over again. It was like the theme song of the night. Along with J.Lo's Dance Again, Kylie Minogue's Timebomb, David Guetta's Titanium. Yas's house became a branch of O-bar(well... sort of?) for a night. The difference was, it wasn't a night of debauchery and hooking up, it was more of dance-till-you-die-from-the-heat kind of night

I was thinking that maybe after all the excitement dies down, we can have our tea party. BUT NO! It was drink after drink after drink after the lovely dinner of Java rice and roast chicken, courtesy of Nimmy, Leo and Ryan. And then there was frantic dancing involved, couture shots, ANTM debates and everything under the sun... and  Travis(no pun intended.)

Ryan wasn't amused by Yas's terrible hosting and organizing skills.

I was drinking "Skinny Bitch" all night long; it was made out of just diet coke and vodka really. It was one of the quickest drinks I can manage to mix. Poor Babit got drunk from spiking his own drink. LOL. A little inebriation never hurt. Haha.

YJ was prolly the most vocal person that I met last night, and I was laughing every fucking time he opens his mouth. No wonder people love him.

Then Kane came along with Gino and their boy toys when we we're just about to go home and the night literally became like a gay parade(no offense).

 So yes there it was, in all its glory. Almost half of the PLU blogging community was there and if a meteor was to fall on Yas's house that, we'd be dead right now.

I had to go home around midnight because I came straight from work to the party. My bag was bulky from all the tech stuff I had. I felt sticky and stinky because Yas' house was poorly ventilated. 

Kane, dear, I'm sorry if I smelled terrible when you hugged me. 

I took a taxi and rain started to pour. The streaks of water splashing across the windshield reminds me of how things have quickly progressed since I came out in my blog; very docile yet very abrupt.

Oh buckets...

Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
I've been somewhere to visit some Queens.

Charlie's Web

I’ve always liked watching movies alone. I only go to movie houses to watch the people’s reaction to the movie after it is done. I can never really gauge how good the director and the writer is until everyone is in tears or roaring with laughter.

It’s always the director’s skill to engage the audience into the writer’s brilliance. And sometimes, not everyone gets the same message the movie wants to convey until everyone’s little bits and pieces of the story will condense and crystallize into one sentient idea.

With that, I exclaimed “Aha!!!”

And that is where I finally understood how extraordinary he was.

“Very well played, good sir,” I muttered.

Oh, look at all the tangled webs that people weave, like fragile laces with superglue.

Cloudburst

No, I haven't gone AWOL. I just had too much stuff to do during these past few weeks. Work has been tremendously toxic, micro managing each agent to perform and qualify for the stats that we had established for the whole duration of this special project. I didn't even have time to post a decent blog post on both my tumblr and blogspot. Luckily this week, we decided to take a break. Thank god!

I remember getting off from work with this crazy downpour going on. It's refreshing actually. Being seated all day at work and typing nonstop for the bosses, a little shower wouldn't hurt. SO YEAH, I ran through the rain and I am not regretting it at all. Haha!

I rode a taxi all wet and went to see my friends at Kozui. We finally had time to catch up and chill out. The workload at work definitely stresses me out and these little reprieves are enough to invigorate me and keep me going on. After all, when this business venture ends, I might earn a substantial amount of money. I just wish our approval rate would be like the rain too; unrelenting and pouring in buckets.

I'm a child born out of the credit card business, literally and figuratively. Maybe it's time to broaden my horizons and not be limited by my profession?

In any case, wish me LOTS of luck. Tee hee.