Monday, January 11, 2016

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I'm happy for you guys, but I can't fake my heart not breaking seeing you two together. This is what I deserve for leaving you. I love you bub. Goodbye.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

High And Mighty

I guess its time to come clean to everyone, I broke up with my boyfriend roughly 7 months ago and things called feelings just hit you when you least expect it. This is why I'm writing this. I need to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk about it to. My work mates barely even know my personal life. I don't want to bother friends because I'm like that; when I get asked if I'm okay, I'll just pretend that nothing's happening. I am not good with spoken words. I am not sure if I'm getting through. And I'm crying while typing this because I thought I'm made of ice but apparently I'm not.

To be fair, I was the one who begged off. He was still the most understanding boyfriend when I did that.

3, almost 4 years have passed. We braved through it all. Things changed and I changed. I changed so much that I lost track of the people I loved, specifically him. Transitioning to the primary breadwinner of the household is taking a lot of my time and my effort. My feelings for him was put aside so many times that it went away. I tried my best. I did my best. My world that revolved around him was gone. It's now me, my family and my career. It was a slow and painful process.

I still love and care for him. I have nothing but love for him, but I was the one who told him to go see other people. I felt unworthy of him. I never cheated or anything, but I feel so dumb because I can't even devote time and feelings for him anymore. Because loving someone is always a choice, I chose to love myself and my family a little bit more and here I am crying like a child.

And I just recently spoke with him and he's seeing someone else. I'm so scared that if I met them together, I might just break down and cry. Incidentally, I met them at a friend's house. They looked good together. I was panicking and fidgeting, but they're really cool.

The memories came crashing. I wanted to bail out. I should have been the one by his side. I should have been the one snuggling with him. But I threw it all away. I seriously wanted to hang myself right then and there but thank god my friends made sure that I'm ok.

I am not ready. I wasn't ready for this. Why did I even bother? That's another shining moment for you, Nikki. Getting yourself into an awkward scenario and it's just like January 3.

It wasn't my night. They were all huddled up together with their significant others. It was a couple's game night. No one knew that the joke is on me. But I kept smiling and laughing. And eventually it got better. I'm very good with that anyways.

I'm not posting this to garner affection or validation. I just wanted to cry myself out and this is the only form that I know that I'll be able to. I'm fine with them, I can mingle with them, but there's always a memory that would trigger me and I'll silently break down and cry. I'm no attention seeker, I'll cope in private. Thank you friends for not making it awkward.

To bub: if you're reading this and I hope you're not, you look good together. I wish you all the best. Don't mind me. I'll be fine.

Anyways, I think I should come out to my mom so at least she knows why I'm just staying at home sometimes and not going out every week like I did before. Being single puts perspective again. Things feel different and sometimes painful because I used to do it with bub, but I'm getting along swimmingly.

I'm still happy with my work and my role in the family. I've immersed in bettering myself #Self-Improvement2016. I've learned how to read Clow Cards and apparently, I have a very good connection with it. I'm practicing painting with watercolors. I think I'm up for promotion but I am not hoping. I'm generally in a better place come to think of it. I just wanted to make this post as a breather. I promised myself that I'll be a better because 2015 was me establishing my power and 2016 is now my turn to upgrade myself.

Also, Happy New Year. I hope you guys all have a great start!!!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Shut down

There are things that just happen for a reason, one of which is a fall-out. It's not something to look forward to. It's a grim and lonely process. But what's more painful is that, you actually have to admit that it's happening.

I'm really sorry.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

How To Date Like A Milennial

image found on a friend's Twitter page
So I haven't written anything for the last 3 years??? I don't know. I haven't really had anything to write about. Life is swell to be really honest. Maybe I'll write about it some other day when I even find time. If you can notice, this is just a quick post of random shit I find peculiar and interesting.

I came across this image on twitter and basically it concisely systematizes how to date/flirt/hook-up a la millennial. I have seen people struggle their hardest in the dating scene. It's like seeing baby seals getting clubbed to death. It is that bad and brutal. I am not gonna name drop because I might just be throwing shade in general. *insert Miranda Priestly GIF*

So here, I found a quirk sheet/flowchart of some sort. IT IS VERY RELEVANT AND TIMELY. It's not overly sappy. It's not overly dramatic. It's like the updated Sex and The City conversations.

I guess I just wanted to post this up somewhere for future references. I don't know. Maybe it can help you and your friends in need too? HAHA.

This is to be filed under things I find on the internet. Also, my good friend is single and would very much like to try this flowchart out. Send me a message on twitter if you're interested. ;)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


I remember that night when I got drunk with my friends. I took a cab and Ed Sheeran's Give Me Love was playing. I broke down and cried. I wanted to hear your voice say my name. 

I had your name on speed dial. It rang 7 times until it disconnected on its own.

Thank you for not answering.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Existential Crisis Part 24

I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.

Haruhn Yahya 

So, yeah my blog has finally accumulated cobwebs and shit. I haven't written anything decent as a matter of fact, even on my tumblr. The past few months have been like a crazy roller coaster. Commuting to far flung areas that I have never imagined of going to. Dealing with people who demand so much but give so little. Co-workers who just make office life the seventh ring of hell. Basically, life. I never even thought I had one to be honest.

Apart from that, almost everyone from my batch mates, both in high school and college, has their lives put together. Meanwhile, I'm still flopping around like a fish out of water. Oh you know, me and my infinite downward spiral. As far as I know, I'm trying out whatever changes I can do with my life and none of them seem to work. Good job, me. Good job indeed.

The worst realization upon quitting my job is that I'm gonna be a quarter of a century year old soon. GODFREAKINGDAMMIT.

I'm just grateful that I am still here and I'm okay. I'm just "winging" everything to get by, I might even have mastered that skill.

Friday, June 14, 2013


As I lay on my warm bed, my skin feeling sticky and sweaty, I exasperated. The hot air blowing from the fan brushes on my hair and face. The gentle droning of the fan is slowly lulling me to a deep slumber.

Somehow, the empty space beside me just feels so enormous. I felt longing and yearning, but there was no one. You were just miles away.

My skin prickles with something more than just yearning. My hands tried to mimic yours. It moved over my ticklish places; the ones that you love touching and kissing. I’ve always liked how my skin feels slippery after you kissed them.

I hugged my pillow as tightly as I can. The heat was getting more intense. My heart was racing and I was panting. I closed my eyes and imagined you were here, caressing my pale, sweaty and silky skin.

My groin felt ticklish and numb while I was lucidly dreaming about you. I felt my hands slipping and stroking. I was giving in.

My lips were as dry as the Gobi. I wet them while moaning. If only you could see how sad this scene was. These were the scenes that we were supposed to be doing together. You could see and feel how I miss you; how I lust for you.

I was burning against the orange-tinged sunset behind my window. I should always maintain my silent dignity, for it is the only thing that is left with me. I will wait, but I can’t wait forever.

And when the deed was done, I lay there wet and limp like a lily.

These are the languid vestiges of my sultry and lonely afternoons.

- I didn't know I had these kind of posts. When and how did I write these? OMG.