High And Mighty

I guess its time to come clean to everyone, I broke up with my boyfriend roughly 7 months ago and things called feelings just hit you when you least expect it. This is why I'm writing this. I need to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk about it to. My work mates barely even know my personal life. I don't want to bother friends because I'm like that; when I get asked if I'm okay, I'll just pretend that nothing's happening. I am not good with spoken words. I am not sure if I'm getting through. And I'm crying while typing this because I thought I'm made of ice but apparently I'm not.

To be fair, I was the one who begged off. He was still the most understanding boyfriend when I did that.

3, almost 4 years have passed. We braved through it all. Things changed and I changed. I changed so much that I lost track of the people I loved, specifically him. Transitioning to the primary breadwinner of the household is taking a lot of my time and my effort. My feelings for him was put aside so many times that it went away. I tried my best. I did my best. My world that revolved around him was gone. It's now me, my family and my career. It was a slow and painful process.

I still love and care for him. I have nothing but love for him, but I was the one who told him to go see other people. I felt unworthy of him. I never cheated or anything, but I feel so dumb because I can't even devote time and feelings for him anymore. Because loving someone is always a choice, I chose to love myself and my family a little bit more and here I am crying like a child.

And I just recently spoke with him and he's seeing someone else. I'm so scared that if I met them together, I might just break down and cry. Incidentally, I met them at a friend's house. They looked good together. I was panicking and fidgeting, but they're really cool.

The memories came crashing. I wanted to bail out. I should have been the one by his side. I should have been the one snuggling with him. But I threw it all away. I seriously wanted to hang myself right then and there but thank god my friends made sure that I'm ok.

I am not ready. I wasn't ready for this. Why did I even bother? That's another shining moment for you, Nikki. Getting yourself into an awkward scenario and it's just like January 3.

It wasn't my night. They were all huddled up together with their significant others. It was a couple's game night. No one knew that the joke is on me. But I kept smiling and laughing. And eventually it got better. I'm very good with that anyways.

I'm not posting this to garner affection or validation. I just wanted to cry myself out and this is the only form that I know that I'll be able to. I'm fine with them, I can mingle with them, but there's always a memory that would trigger me and I'll silently break down and cry. I'm no attention seeker, I'll cope in private. Thank you friends for not making it awkward.

To bub: if you're reading this and I hope you're not, you look good together. I wish you all the best. Don't mind me. I'll be fine.

Anyways, I think I should come out to my mom so at least she knows why I'm just staying at home sometimes and not going out every week like I did before. Being single puts perspective again. Things feel different and sometimes painful because I used to do it with bub, but I'm getting along swimmingly.

I'm still happy with my work and my role in the family. I've immersed in bettering myself #Self-Improvement2016. I've learned how to read Clow Cards and apparently, I have a very good connection with it. I'm practicing painting with watercolors. I think I'm up for promotion but I am not hoping. I'm generally in a better place come to think of it. I just wanted to make this post as a breather. I promised myself that I'll be a better because 2015 was me establishing my power and 2016 is now my turn to upgrade myself.

Also, Happy New Year. I hope you guys all have a great start!!!