Wit's End

Five, seven and five

It's gonna end somehow now

Five, seven and five

I think I am in friend-love with you

“I Think I Am In Friend-Love With You” written by and illustrated by Yumi Sakugawa, published in Sadie Magazine, 2012.

Lonely Lamp Posts

Waiting in a car, 
Waiting for a ride in the dark.
The night city grows.
Look and see her eyes, they glow.

And there he was, with lips glistening. A smell of angst and sex lingers. He's absolutely stunning. I took another shot of Stolichnaya. I didn't catch his name, it doesn't really matter. What I was feeling wasn't really attraction or anything to that extent. I was actually repulsed. Why was I drinking alone?

Waiting for a roar,
Looking at the mutating skyline.
The City is my church,
It wraps me in the sparkling twilight.

He kept on pushing himself onto me while I was sitting on the stool. I didn't budge a bit. Grabbed my bag instead and headed out of the bar. To my surprise he followed me. I leaned on the lone lamp post a few blocks away and felt myself slump to the floor. The world was spinning, I've drank too much again. I looked up, the pretty lights were swirling in deep indigo.

"Come on Nik, you've had too much. Fun is good, but this is ridiculous," says the stranger.
"No! Lemme stay for here a bit. I can't go with you. I've to get home and sleep. My mom would kill me."
"Alright, let me get a cab then. I'll drop you off."

Waiting in the car,
Waiting for a ride in the dark.
Drinking in the lounge,
Following the neon signs.

Picked up my bag and unceremoniously threw up in the gutters. I've swung my head just to check if anyone is nearby doing the same thing. None. Just me and the stranger. Managed to move my shoes away from the putrid projectile.

I saw the stranger move closer. He got a cab. I tried my best to stand up straight, but I buckled and swayed. He grabbed my left arm and hauled me inside to the back of the cab. I smelled like shit. Good thing I still had my bottled water, mints and some alcohol.

This is screwed up. I might die of shame. And I was surprised he knew where I lived. I felt his arm hover over my head. The quintessential boyfriend-in-the-cinema move. Shit. I was in nowhere near normalcy to defend myself from whatever. I groaned. He laughed. I fell asleep.

He nudged me. I was stirred up from my drunken stupor. I realized we were in my neighborhood. I scurried out of the cab and I heard muffled noises. I didn't bother looking back. I found another lamp post. I emptied my guts out in full force now.

I managed to slide into the house without waking anyone. I took off every bit of clothing, showered and brushed my teeth. Drank 2 tablets of Advil and water. Put on my pajamas and slept. When I woke up, I heard my phone beep before it died. Plugged it in and the messages all came in at once.

"You idiot, you just don't know when to stop don't you," from an unknown number.
"Oh was it you? God, I didn't even ask for your name. I'm sorry."
"It's alright Nik. You really don't recognize me? We went to the same school back in 2003."
"Huh? Not really. I can't remember people in my school unless you were significant."
"Hahaha. I was the transferee. That should ring a bell. :D"

I didn't reply afterwards.

Holy fuck. My awkward history with high school: it all struck me like I'm sort of a lightning rod. He was really cute back then. In college, I found out he had an account with Downelink. My other gay classmates were pairing me and him. But I never really did talk to guy. He was a part of the cool and macho kids. I was a part of the nerds. So there's no common ground for anything. In fact, I just wished the the ground opened up and swallowed me and my bruised ego.

I cringed. I really liked that guy. He was handsome. He wasn't as smart as me though. But he's changed. He's hot now. Ugh... I blushed at the thought. Then I slapped myself high.

I still get his texts and I casually reply hi and hello. But that's about it.

It's so sad that the lamp posts had seen my humiliating night. It's like they're bowing its head, feeling sorry for me. I bet it's not only me that they saw. If only they could talk.

The Archons

“We all get hurt.”

Sometimes, it is what we need to learn from mistakes. Although, for us to learn, we need to realize why we got hurt and how we can avoid it next time. It’s already bad as it is to get hurt, but to actually admit the truth that we did something stupid, is even worse. Yes? And somehow, when we finally absorb the whole immensity of the situation, that’s when we find resolution and end our misery.

It takes maturity and wisdom to accept things that are and that are not. Frankly, I like how my friends are maturing now at different paces. It’s gratifying to see that we are headed somewhere good.

And sometimes, getting hurt is one of our most epiphanic moments. It gives clarity to the chaos that is inside. Of course, our way of epiphany needs a little dousing of alcohol. Golden moments.

It was my dream to be with people who I can grow with, be crazy with, be stupid with. It's finally come true. It just amazes me how much we have changed in a span of few months. It just makes me all the more rooted with them. 

Oh now I believe we should be transcending the humani ways of learning.

Blue

Lamictal, Lexapro.

Doc says okay.

Raspy voice.

Terrified.

Eat more brocolli,
No chocolates.
Fuck you,
Grin.

Speak softly idiot!
Run two miles,
Breathe in.
Clay.

Lithium, Valium
More Yoga.
Diarized,
Write.

Cloudburst

No, I haven't gone AWOL. I just had too much stuff to do during these past few weeks. Work has been tremendously toxic, micro managing each agent to perform and qualify for the stats that we had established for the whole duration of this special project. I didn't even have time to post a decent blog post on both my tumblr and blogspot. Luckily this week, we decided to take a break. Thank god!

I remember getting off from work with this crazy downpour going on. It's refreshing actually. Being seated all day at work and typing nonstop for the bosses, a little shower wouldn't hurt. SO YEAH, I ran through the rain and I am not regretting it at all. Haha!

I rode a taxi all wet and went to see my friends at Kozui. We finally had time to catch up and chill out. The workload at work definitely stresses me out and these little reprieves are enough to invigorate me and keep me going on. After all, when this business venture ends, I might earn a substantial amount of money. I just wish our approval rate would be like the rain too; unrelenting and pouring in buckets.

I'm a child born out of the credit card business, literally and figuratively. Maybe it's time to broaden my horizons and not be limited by my profession?

In any case, wish me LOTS of luck. Tee hee.

The Prancing People at Eastwood.

I have met up with a few friends last night. Went to a fancy hotspot in the metro to dine and drink and chat all night. I had a nice time with them. Exchanged ideas about everything under the sun actually; blogging, celebrities, blogging celebrities, twitter wars, anthropology and so on and so forth. Our group is subtly gaining members which is a good thing. More points of views, more topics to discuss, more chika, more fun! I just don't have the audacity to list them down on my blog, I don't do that. And as far as I know, I think they can read this anyways. So, if you guys are reading this, LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

Speaking of which, one question from last night's tete-a-tete just lingered in my thoughts hours after we already parted our ways.


"Why do you keep on blogging?"


I started blogging when I was still in high school. I wanted to write down whatever what was on my mind. I didn't mind if no one was reading. I just wanted an avenue to be heard without shouting.

I write on 2 different platforms, Tumblr and Blogspot.

Like I said in my previous posts, I love Tumblr because it's where I can be hipster and post-modern, being an artsy fartsy person myself. I can post anything actually. And Tumblr is somehow turned into a social networking site due to its features, I can easily connect to my followers and make friends with them. The trends in Tumblr diminishes the "seriousness" of writing in blogs, which makes it really easy and relevant, because I still find it hard to express myself with beautifully written paragraphs or poems at times. I just post a picture, write a caption and voila! It's perfect. It may be petty at sometimes, but you'll be amazed at how some of the kids write things on their Tumblogs.

I write on Blogspot because it's where I can find a more mature audience. Bloggers I follow have this depth and substance that I really admire. They don't just post because of impulse, they write with structure. I seriously have to learn how to do that. When I compare my entries to some of the bloggers here, I get scared. I get intimated by their impeccable grammar and perfectly organized thoughts and wonderfully crafted poems. I rarely get to post something at par with theirs, which makes me want to write more. I may have a good grasp of the English language, but I honestly admit, I don't write as well as them. But, I like writing in Blogspot because it's where my ideas are silent but not unheard.

To simply put it, I think I just enjoy the best of both worlds.

P.S. I think I know what I want for summer, I want to become the next David Guison. HAHAHAHAHA

No, It's Not Okay.

Addressing me as “bakla” in public really isn’t a case with me, but for some, maybe it is. For one, most of us who are gay didn’t choose to be like this. People think as if sexuality and sexual orientation (for a lack of a better word) is optional. It’s not. Mahirap maging bading, teh. Or to put it more accurately, Mahirap tanggapin na maging bading. It’s not like we had the benefit to turn our backs against the “normality” of heterosexuality. It’s not like we had to choose loving our own kind. Technically, there’s a big difference between choosing sexuality and embracing it, otherwise, they’d be with similar spelling in the dictionary. It’s hard being gay since we are caught in between, in between the prejudice of a narrow-minded society and the self, religion and the self, friendship and the self, heck! even there is conflict between the self and the self.

Let me repeat. It’s hard being gay. Don’t regard gay men with such harsh labels so easily when in actuality, admitting it to themselves that they are indeed “bakla” is (or was) hard enough. No. We do not deserve it.

—

If anyone deserves to call a gay man “bakla”, it’s another fellow gay man. They understand each other’s ordeals and hardships. There is no intent to demoralize or diminish one’s identity in this matter. If ever diminishing an identity was the intention, he’d only be diminishing his own in the process.

Moral? Huwag mong tawagin ang isang bading na “bading” kung ikaw naman mismo e hindi bading! Kasi pre, lumalabas e mas bading ka pa sa bading sa ginagawa mo. Hindi mo kilala ang kabuuan ng katauhan at kwento niya, e kinukutya mo agad. Hindi ba ito katangahan at kaduwagan?

*had to repost from a friend's tumblr.

2 Broke Guys

Now, before you start thinking that this is a porn post, I suggest that you watch 2 Broke Girls first. It is a sitcom about 2 girls doing everything to chase their dream. Basically, Max is the real broke girl and Caroline is the rich upper east sider who got broke when her dad, who is a filthy rich mogul, got incarcerated.

Max is currently employed as a waitress at a diner when she bumped into Caroline. Caroline had nowhere to go since all their properties we're re-po'd by the government because her father was convicted with plunder. So Caroline had to move in with Max and they fused up the idea of making cupcakes for a business. And the sitcom just continues on with that.

Back to the topic: Me and my friend also have this uncanny familiarity with the whole plot of the sitcom. We're just 2 guys in the Metro who are dreaming big and doing anything to get what we want. Well, without the whole re-po and plunder stuff.

As you know, I just got fired. I have submitted my resumes to a couple of companies that can hire me. I also got a reply from the tutoring job that one of my acquaintances referred me to. Then my tita referred me to an advertising company. So yes, I basically get in industries where I am not really familiar with, but I'll do the best that I can. A job is still a job and I'm thankful that I get hired even for just a short span of time. *insert meme here*

As for my partner, he recently quit his job at a local TV network. He got robbed a couple of days ago. He was also trying to book jobs at his previous advertising company. We promised to help each other; whatever job comes first, we will go for it.

And did I mention that he was the one who went to JP Morgan with me? We walked the whole stretch of McKinley because we were dumb with directions. Very apt. We're like the real life version of Max and Caroline, if you guys ever watch 2 Broke Girls.

This!

We're broke, we're young and we're taking over the world.

The Wonderful Misadventures of Danforth Thackeray

My washing machine bailed out on me. It just stopped working and started spewing soap bubbles. Mom would prolly get mad at me for breaking it, but I don’t care. I’m having fun with these bubbles.

Such a show of bravery from a marked prey. I know mom would rip me to shreds later.

If only life was as easy as blowing bubbles.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week after my mom and I set up a new branch for our marketing group, we had to stop operations due to internal problems. Our business partner had issues with the leasing of the office space. So I basically moved 2 steel cabinets from our old office to this new one and then back again. I was also wondering how I was able to do it without getting squished by those heavy cabinets that was as big as me.

So yes, I'm back to being a bum again. Nothing new.

Hello dirty dishes and laundry, I have come back for you. We shall now be together forever.

And just in case you guys are wondering, Danforth Thackeray is my British alter-ego.

of Secret Societies and Microcosms

In a span of almost a year, I gained a ton of friends. It’s mainly because of tumblr or blogspot. Friends of friends got included in my social circles too. Over these past few months, my circle got exponentially bigger.

My high school friends, college friends, those who-I-dated-before-that-became-platonic-friends friends, friends of friends of friends, my sisters' friends, PR-friends-that-turned-out-to-be-bloggers, and more recently, tumblr friends & blogspot friends. Honestly, I am not that quite friendly to be exact, but how I made friends from outside my "comfort zone" is still is a big question mark for me. I usually don't make friends if I don't know people personally. So how my circles got this big, I don't know.

I’ve also noticed certain differences from those I’ve made friends with from tumblr and blogspot. I like them because I know I can relate to them, but sometimes they have these peculiar nuances that I seem to dislike a bit, but I know I can't complain, I don't have the right to. Besides, I still like them because they're really fun to be with and talk with. I enjoy their company A LOT.

Or maybe I'm just too... plastic? I don't know... LOL! I'm not saying that I am plastic, but I get along with people so quickly that it just seems so wrong. Hahaha.

In any case, it definitely is fun seeing how different they are from each other, yet they still feel familiar to me. If I could make a Venn Diagram of my friends -- the part where they would overlap, it would be pretty much, be... me.

Maybe the saying still goes.

“Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell who you are.”

Shit that Nikki says

Been quite busy these past 2 weeks. I had to man my upscale halo-halo station for my sister's research project. The aim was to be like Ice Monster or Cerealicious, but the people around our neighborhood are not well versed with those kind of products. At the end of the week, we lost about 178.30 pesos in capital. It's a flop, but we (especially my sister and her group mates) learned a lot.

I also applied at JP Morgan and Chase and got declined within the day. Fantastic. I kinda realized that the I would wither away with the daily commute to their office. I think of it as a blessing in disguise (yes this is me not being bitter about it).

Then I helped out with my granny's 75th birthday. Talk about a party with "she-bang." We bought lechon, pichi-pichi, cake, ice cream. We cooked fried chicken, spaghetti, pansit palabok, maja blanca, and an assortment of grilled fish. We rented out a karaoke machine. I sang my heart out - I got freaking 100 when I sang Dynamite by Taio Cruz and freaking 87 when I sang Animal by Neon Trees, which I think is so wrong. We drank 5 different bottle of white wine. Happiness. I got into a tickle fight with my cousins, then they inevitably puked afterwards from too much laughing.

Did I say I drank a lot of white wine? When the party ended, I ninja-d my way back to the karaoke machine and sang more songs.

I guess, when I'm doing a lot of things, that's when I feel contented. I can feel the grip of loneliness and depression unfasten on me. I feel lighter and happier when I'm constantly on the move. Maybe all I needed was a diversion from all the spare time of brooding and self-pitying. And I felt a kind of release when  my mom finally read my letter.

Am I gonna be writing my own version of Eat, Pray, Love now?

Heck no.

Time Capsules

I wanted to put songs in my new iPod. The old one got recalled and replaced by Apple. I got this email telling me that the 1st gen nano's have some program glitches that's why they are replacing them. I got my 1st gen 5 years ago, it only had 1gb of memory and since it served its purpose for 5 years, the battery life sucks. I named my first nano Haven.

Haven became my companion when I was still in college. I filled her up with my collection of JPop songs, but most importantly, my archive of Utada Hikaru's songs. I had her full discography inside Haven. It's like I'm traveling with my handy paradise every time I slap on my earbuds and listen to my favorite songs.

When I had my Nokia E63, I had to give Haven to my little sister. I remember backing up all of the songs in a flash drive before handing her over to my sister. I also made sure that I had the original CD's, that I have stopped eating lunches back in college just to buy them. So I guess, I had about 3gb's of JPop songs when I graduated college. Back then, I think I had the most diverse and complete collection among my JPop friends.

When I graduated, I got my E63 and gave Haven to my sister. She immediately reformatted Haven, I cringed for a bit, but I know I backed up all my music in a flash drive. I also gave my sister E63 when I got my new phone that I've worked hard for. Hand-me-downs are how we survive. LOL.

I got this email from Apple, I checked it out and it seemed legit. So yeah, I asked my sister to give Haven back so I could use it again, since she already has a phone that could store and play music. I sent Haven without the data cable and the earphones. They just asked for the unit.

I got my new nano back 2 days ago. I got it without any accessory or whatsoever. It looked very shiny and the controls are already touch-based. It's tinier than ever. It has 8gb's of storage and it's super cute. I named her Parlodel, because I'm crazy.

I wanted to put songs in Parlodel. I tried to look for my archives, but yeah, I can't find it anymore. Our house has this innate ability to make things disappear when it gets stored somewhere inside this tiny apartment, just like my diplomas.

I almost cried silently out of sheer disappointment and anger.

All of the hours of searching and downloading, all of the lunch money that I didn't spend on lunch, all the trouble of labeling, sorting and backing up each of my 2,000+ songs just went poof. I couldn't find the CD's nor the flash drive.

I felt like a part of me just got forgotten and abandoned. The songs that got me through college just vanished amidst all the junk and years of hoarding things inside our house.

Those songs were my bread and butter each and everyday of my college life. I have much respect and love for the artists that became my inspiration. And then I just can't find them anymore. 10 years of Japanese Pop, Rock and Visual Kei, I survived college because of them.

I am frustrated because some of the songs that I had were very hard to find and then SOPA would just make it impossible to search for them now. I'll just do my best to bring back whatever that I can still find.

I'll just rebuild my time capsule and make sure I would find it again one day when I feel the need for it.

Lesson learned, I guess.

And Parlodel just almost had her first fall last night. UGH!!!

Samedi et Dimanche

Last Saturday, i had 3 events to go to; the Tumblr MUMUL at MoA, my ex-wave mates pre-Christmas dinner at Glorietta 5 and my annual high school reunion. Honestly, I didn’t expect to have all three events in one night. If I could split my body into 3, I would definitely have no problems, but yeah, no can do. I had to tough it all out, in one night.

I met up with Avery and Gelo in BK Rotonda around 6pm. We got to MoA around 7-ish.

So there, we were expecting the other bloggers to be inside Starbucks. Avery got really frantic when there was no one inside, we only saw Marlon.

Apparently, they all went near the skating rink and we had to search for them. Fortunately, we saw them (Onny, Dale, JC, Ghen, Adee, Jed, Nikko, Kyo and I forgot schizotypical’s name, FML) … in a quaint little circle. So there, we said our hi’s and hello’s, I helped Avery look for a venue because Starbucks was full of social climbing people.

Congo Grille it is… I suspected alcohol and it didn’t fail me. YES! And then Ade and Noah came along.

2 bottles of San Mig Light. Rapture!

here’s the part where Nikki gets all tipsy

Gelo, Marlon and I decided to go already. Gelo had to go because he also has an event to go to the next day, Marlon was tired and I had to go to Makati.

I was calling my friends while we were on the bus. They said they already left. I almost died.

I headed straight to my friend’s house since I wasn’t able to go my ex-work mates pre-Christmas Dinner.

I got in and there was Kahlua, Red Horse, Bailey’s and Cuervo. I managed to solo the Kahlua. Drunkard much? Not really. Happy times.

I went home around 8am because the people in the party were falling down one by one like flies sprayed with Baygon.

I opened the telly when i woke up and BOOM, Sendong killed 700 people in just one night.

Was this some kind of a sick joke?

The Trolls Never Get Trolled Back

I received a text from someone. I really thought that it was from my high school classmate. His number was registered for someone I know very well.

He began asking me weird rumors. He asked me if I was with someone. Apparently, rumors were circulating that I was dating someone from college who was allegedly closeted (which I also am). Sadly, those were just rumors.

He began asking me for my iMessage account. I don't have one. I don't use an iPhone or an iPad. His texting pattern is also different from what I know; it was more intrusive than the friend that I know. I started to be skeptical about his identity.

So yeah I answered him truthfully and now he knows I swing both ways. Tsk, I never wanted him to find out because he is one of the people that I don’t really trust. Good thing I didn’t tell him everything and good thing I found out he wasn’t my high school classmate or I might have told him everything. It turns out that he was the one that we "outed" shamefully back in college (well, it wasn't our fault that he sold his phone to our classmate and when we tinkered with it, it had a ton of gay porn in its memory card). I don't know if this was his plot of revenge or whatever.

I am now beginning to doubt if it was a case of mistaken identity or he really does want to “out” me. Too bad, I’m still witty and I successfully maneuvered myself out of that pinch.

I asked him how he got my new number, he just answered that I texted him once. If my memory serves me right, I never texted him anything after I’ve changed my numbers. Hmmm...

Psych wars? Ha, its one alley he'll never beat me.

One thing I don't really understand is that how did his number show up as my friend's number.

dude, I’m sorry but I’ll tell it to people I only trust since it’s just been like 5 months since I’ve started dating guys. You’ll get hints from me but not the whole story yet.

Sorry brah.

You can never out-troll me.

Cauc(A)sian Dilemma

everyday, my eyes grow a little bluer and my hair grows a little blonder.

 its seems that every time that i try deviate from my destiny, it keeps on pulling me back to where i am right now. i have accepted that i can’t pursue medicine anymore, no matter how hard i want and need it.

so tomorrow morning, i’ll go file for my an affidavit of loss for both my high school and college diplomas cause my mom has stored them somewhere in which both of us can’t recall where exactly.

my uncle messaged me on facebook. he was quite irritated with all the dilly-dallying. i just didn’t tell him that i had no money to acquire my necessary documents to work abroad. i told him that i have to work so i can get my passport, clearances and diplomas. i have successfully saved enough dough to start the whole hulabaloo.

so there, my grandma wanted to sell her lot in Iloilo but that didn’t turn out well. the blueprints for my med school life was just trashed in 5 minutes.

anyways, the good news is, this might be the last christmas that i will be spending in the philippines and i’ll be earning freaking dollars so i can send them back home.

bad news is, i’ll be leaving everything behind; all the people i love and care about and all the things that i have learned to live by(ie. the pollution, school, grumpy old neighbors, slave-driving employers, sarcasm, etc…)

i really can’t tell if its a brand-new start or just the end, cause to me, its just a blur. i don’t really know where i’ll be in the future anymore and sadly, i don’t care anymore.

P.S. I am no literary genius, I just somehow manage to talk/type/read a lot.

Panic Switch!

okay, they wanted me to be a nurse, then they want me to study medicine. and now, they want me to be a nurse, again, for the fucking nth time. they don’t know what sort of emotional roller coaster they’re putting me through. i’m being torn apart at the seams. i’ve already made up my mind that i’ll go pursue my dreams now that they have SAID that I can, now they’re telling me to give it up again?

WTF?! I NEED MY PANIC SWITCH!

Wasted 3 fucking years of my life trying to please everyone and it got me nowhere.

you see, this is why i don't like feeling too ecstatic about something. i think i need to go to my therapist again.

Calling You

it has been a week since i've started my SSRI treatment and as far as I can remember, it takes around 7-14 days for the drugs to work. apparently, i do feel better now.

what's funny is, remember when i wrote on my blog that i will never become a doctor since that shit about not affording med school and stuff? well guess what... they're now pushing me to be a doctor.

i was stoic at first, i didn't really believe that they were THAT serious. my granma is now selling our "hacienda" in Iloilo so that we can have money, so that i can become a doctor.

there's this saying that goes likes this:

"Kung ano ang para sayo, darating at darating din iyon."

apparently, it is true. they don't know how much i cried over and over about not going to med school and how much i envy my classmates that already took it. they don't know how much i've waited for my chance and my calling. they don't know how much i need and want this chance. i'm finally heeding my call.

i was just smiling and laughing when they told me that, but deep down inside of me, i was crying, screaming, partying, dancing, seizing(?), rolling on the floor and everything else.

now, im just preparing for the tests and requirements that i have to submit to my target schools while working on 12 hour shifts. yes, i am a good multi-tasker, patiently and silently making my moves like a ninja.

but i should not be all too ecstatic about it. i know there's an equally disappointing news that's about to come, i can just feel it in my veins. but nevertheless, i am happy and that's what matters now.

Waxed Wicks and Candle Sticks

every year, my mom would make me a personalized candle for my birthday. she started doing that when i was 3. lavender is probably my favorite essential oil she would use to make it.

i would usually make a wax ball out of the drippings and scald my hands. my mom would get mad. fun but painful.

its also fun wetting your index finger and your thumb with saliva and hearing the sizzle from the smothered wick.

why does she make candles for my birthday? well partly because it is my birthday on the 2nd of november and partly because its All Soul's Day. kind of a 2-in-1 thing. i didn't mind. i got used to it. graveyards and gravestones don't scare me anymore. heck i even touch and manipulate cadavers and bones like its no big deal.

we celebrate my birthdays in the cemetery, paying homage to my dead grandfather, dead aunt (and her dead dog.)

this year, its different. no more candles. no more birthdays in the cemetery.

it should be fun right? not quite.

my mom is s/p(status: post) kidney transplant and only god knows how much longer we can sustain her meds and basically her life. honestly, i miss my candles. i really don't know what will happen to us if she passes away. i should be receiving my 20th candle tomorrow, but i am not expecting it anymore. there are things that i just don't impose anymore.

i really don't mind walking on top of graves for my birthday. i only wish that i could have more birthday candles from my mom. nothing else.

Karaoke Nights

"why don’t you love me, the way i loved you? it feels so crazy, cause i dunno what i did to you. if you’re gonna hurt me, then do it quickly ‘cause i’m tired of crying and if you don’t wanna stick around then baby forget about me."

*****

I've been shuffling my iPod and i stumbled upon Little Bit's Forget About Me.

It has been quite a while since I've felt relevance to a song, too much emo runs in my blood. I remember singing Adele's songs in a karaoke bar and breaking down in tears. Of course, I had to weep covertly. LOL.

Anyways, I really like singing. I was practicing Utada's Heart Station so I could upload a cover. Maybe I will someday if given the chance.

I miss going to my choir to practice belting out notes. Will someone take me out to a Karaoke Bar nearby? haha.

And don't worry, I'll sing Lady Gaga's Edge Of Glory. No emoshit right there.