Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Tatakbo at gagalaw
Mag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw
Kulang na lang, atakihin
Ang pag-hinga’y nabibitin

Ang dahilan na alam mo na
Kahit ano pang sabihin nila
Tayong dalawa lamang ang makakaalam
Ngunit ako ngayo’y naguguluhan

Makikinig ba ako
Sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo?
O iindak na lamang
Sa tibok ng puso mo

At aasahan ko na lamang na
Hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasayaw
Habang nanonood siya…

Paalis at pabalik
May baong yakap at suklian ng halik
Mag-papaalam at mag-sisisi
Habang papiglas ka ako sayo ay tatabi

Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakaka-alam
Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pag-bibigyan ko
Makikinig nga ba sa isipan na alam ang wasto

O pipigilan ang pag-ibig nya na totoo

Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo
At aasahan ko hindi nya lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa
Pipikit na lamang at mag-sasaya
Habang nalulungkot ka

Habang nalulungkot ka, isa nama’y natutuwa
Minsan naman ay lumuluha

updharmadown - indak
photo: Son Gain - Irreversible screencap

Monday, August 29, 2011

War Cries

gladiators going to a battle unprepared is paramount to suicide. fear is inevitable but the situation will dictate you to man up and own the battlefield. whether you decide to survive and die is your choice, it's killed or be killed. the world is cruel, there's no way anyone can change that. as much as you try to be kind, you'll always end up choosing: to hurt someone or to get hurt by someone. it is a natural reaction to be selfish, but its not enough to be a reason to inflict pain to others. apologies will never suffice.

cuts and bruises, sometimes the eventual stab wounds and fractures are expected. it will be bloody and dirty, not to mention excruciating. but in all that i've learned: never regret. this has been my war cry for these past few days.

and when the fight is over, you get time to lick your wounds. you learn something new, gain appreciation for what you have and what you don't. you learn to accept things that you can and cannot do. it will give you insight of what you have become. it will be either be scary or breathtaking, depending on how you will see it.

i'm still learning, things got rough. i licked my wounds and i realized i've become a monster. i've got no one to blame, but i know i'm fine being a monster; i've always had an idea that there's a demon hiding inside this angel.

but this monster still do know when to stop and say sorry.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Past The Point Of No Return

Past the point of no return
No backward glances
Our games of make-believe are at an end.
Past all thought of if or when
No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend
What raging FIRE shall flood the soul
What rich desire unlocks it's door
What sweet seduction lies before us?
Past the point of no return
The final threshold
What warm unspoken secrets
Will we learn
Beyond the point of no return?

You have brought me
To that moment when words run dry
To that moment when speech disappears
Into silence
I have come here,
Hardly knowing the reason why
In my mind I've already imagined
Our bodies entwining
Defenseless and silent,
Now I am here with you
No second thoughts
I've decided
Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion-play has now at last begun.
Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question
How long should we two wait before we're one?
When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud burst into bloom
When will the flames at lust CONSUME us?

Past the point of no return
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed
So stand and watch it burn
We've passed the point of no return.

Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude
Say you want me
With you here
Beside you
Anywhere you go
Let me go too
Christine that's all I ask of

Friday, August 26, 2011

Dimestore Diamond - Gossip

I finally got an offer for a job as a Private Duty Nurse for a post-stroke patient in the Metro. I’m pretty interested with the offer because it’s an easy job, plus the pay is absolutely rewarding. It’s like earning six thousand pesos just by babysitting a big baby for 12 hours only. The sad part about it is when the patient recovers, the contract ends. Not that I like the patient to be half paralyzed forever, but when he does, that means I’ll have to say goodbye to the family. I admit it; I’m in it because of the money.

Have I lost my altruism? I don’t know… maybe because people change. I need that money to pay for my test in order for me to work in a much better country. I am succumbing to the dire necessity to be the breadwinner of the lot. Plus, when I work abroad I can finally pursue my studies in medicine and genetic engineering. It’s hitting two birds with one stone of some sort.

But then again, what happened to my compassion? What happened to “I’d like to serve our countrymen, even if the pay is bad?” What happened to the pride and legacy of Florence Nightingale?

Am I being selfish? I guess I am, but at least now I know what I want. I’m not just letting it go, not this time. And this time I’m certain that I want to practice my diploma and then I’ll decide if I really want to be a doctor. From what I’m seeing though, I think I can be a doctor. I really miss staying up late, reading medical books and sipping coffee. From Florence Nightingale to McDreamy is what I I’m aiming for. Hello Hippocratic Oath. 

I’ve also decided that I’ll support my own dream since my parents can’t. I’m sorry but I’m not going to be dependent anymore. I just need enough runway space for me to take off and fly on my own. Taking the PDN job would prolly be the start of it. I’ve done enough soul-searching and I think it’s about time to earn my wings now.

It was an emotional turmoil of all sorts. Almost every time, I just blog all the pain away, because I did try to kill myself… thrice… with various OTC drugs... Nice, no?

I also got an offer at a contact center, yet again. This time it’s for a health insurance account with better pay than from where I’ve been. I’m having a lot of qualms about it. The vertigo and migraine that I developed during my employment in my previous company can come back as easily as this job offer is. It’s a stable job, yes. It gets lame and boring though. I’ll just keep this offer as a fall back option.

I was a daydream, quiet and unseen
I lived in stories but inside I kept a mystery
I was a starling, nobody’s darling.
Flying in perfect circles just for company.

A midnight airplane, a window blowing
I know I am another sparkle in the sky
I shine in copper, still undiscovered.
But you might see me in the corner of your eye

And now I’m ready. I’m ready to be extraordinary.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


「今さえあればいい」と言ったけど そうじゃなかった

あなたの幸せ願うほど わがままが増えてくよ
それでもあなたを引き止めたい いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ あの子が泣いてるよ


自分の幸せ願うこと わがままではないでしょ
それならあなたを抱き寄せたい できるだけぎゅっと
私の涙が乾くころ あの子が泣いてるよ

あなたの幸せ願うほど わがままが増えてくよ
あなたは私を引き止めない いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ あの子が泣いてるよ

小さな地球が回るほど 優しさが身に付くよ
もうー度あなたを抱き締めたい できるだけそっと
As the small earth rotates, I learn to become more kind.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sweet Soul Review - Pizzicato Five

Feeling ko, andiyan ka lang sa tabi-tabi. Alam ko din na naghihintayan lang tayong dalawa. Hindi natin alam baka nagkakatabi pala tayo sa LRT o ‘di kaya nagkakasalubong sa Gateway. Malay mo naman ‘di ba?

Pabiling lablayp. Estudyante. Kailangan ko ng discount.

Hindi naman sa excited akong makilala ka, wala lang. Naiisip ko lang.

Malay mo nagkatitigan na rin pala tayo sa isang coffee shop. Nag “hi and hello” na pala tayo sa may sakayan ng jeep. Baka nakasabay pa kitang kumain sa may pishbolan sa may UP.

Naiisip ko lang din kung may pagkakataon na naiisip mo din ang mga bagay na ganito. Naiisip ko lang din kung minsan naiisip mo rin ba ako?

Napaisip lang naman ako. Wala naman sigurong masama dun.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


i felt your skin pressing onto mine
electrifying and tingly
warm and fuzzy
i have forgotten how it felt
to be really this close
or it maybe just the first time

faint whispers
of the wind
uttering sweet words
of romance untold
and of tragic endings
intoxicating and alluring
to succumb
in such a sweet embrace
how long have i waited?
i already lost my sparkle
would that be alright?
no one really likes dull things

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


held hands
kissed my lips
butterflies in my tummy

eew. why am i being so mushy with my typographies? :|

Sunday, August 14, 2011

gratuitous picture of myself?

yes, yes this is how i usually look like (of course with a little manga-nification). nerd.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Before the year started, I had checked out how 2011 should roll for me. I was born in 1988, so that makes me a Water Dragon according to the Chinese zodiac signs. I vividly remember that it said that it isn’t gonna be a spectacular year for me.

There’s no significant achievement for you this year.” That was gonna be my ‘theme’ for the whole of 2011 according to the soothsayer.

I didn’t believe it at first; I tried to make things happen even if I know that my fortune isn’t that great. December of last year, my uncle told me that he was going to help me take my NCLEX exam so that I can work in Chicago. I enrolled in a review session and I am super duper ready to take the test. But, everything had to stop since I haven’t applied for my test yet. I tried to ask around what’s the whole process for the application and authorization to take the test.

Apparently, I need about 1,300 US dollars to be able to take my exam. I told my uncle about it and then he told me that he wasn’t gonna be able to pay for the whole thing yet. It takes about 2-4 months to get my ATT (Authorization To Test). Not only those, but the other documents needed for my application have been misplaced. They’re now part of the dust collecting inside our house. Lovely.

I left my work just to prepare for a test, which turns out that I’m not gonna be able to take yet. In short, I wasted time and effort and money for my review classes. I guess that’s my karma for being so eager to defy my fortunes for this year and for being so resolute about leaving this goddamned country. Yikes.

When people promise me things, I tend to get swayed hook, line and sinker. I got so excited about the idea of finally being independent that I forgot about how difficult it is to apply for my “One-way ticket” to the states. In the end, I got disappointed and when I get disappointed, I have this tendency to just forget about it and walk away. I have no time to waste being disappointed and being let-down by people. I might as well go and find work on my own, again.

I don’t blame them; I just wished they didn’t give out promises like candy and then not comitting to those. I’m still a kid; candy is still going to be my demise. It is entirely my fault.

I also tried being a freelance model, didn’t turn out so well either. Ended up as the back-up "wardrobe specialist," which kinda sounds like an alalay if you ask me. (KARMA, KARMA, KARMA.)

My blonde and blue-eyed dreams are still pretty much stuck right here in my brain. Good, yes? They aren’t gonna happen soon, but that doesn’t mean I already forgot about them. I’m still waiting for my turn, just waiting for my turn.

As I am again waiting, I’m now gonna look for a new job. Hopefully, I get a job substantial enough to pay for my application fees (and other miscellaneous shit). I don’t need further let-downs this year; I’ve had to deal with a bunch of them already. I’m getting tired of being excited and then poof, I get shot down even before I can even start. MY GOD, YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME A FAIR FIGHT, HOW CRUEL!

Anyways, in other news, my life isn’t that bad. I have my blog with me. And, I really think that they chose the wrong person for that last ad campaign I went to. TSK.

#blogging the pain away.

Thursday, August 4, 2011


I kind of miss going to our local ice cream parlor. It would be nice if Nestle didn’t move locations. I really do miss buying a peach melba or a banana split! Hence, I shall write about it to make me forget my longing for some good old ice cream.

Remember when you get inside an ice cream store and your all giddy just to choose from a vast array of flavors of ice cream. “I want this, I want that…” but then you only have enough money for just a scoop of ice cream. It somehow resembles the process of choosing your partner, whether for life or just someone who’ll just fill the space in between.

I think that there’s a significant correlation between choosing your ice cream and being involved in a romantic relationship. They have a common factor: it’s a matter of taste. It just depends on what you feel like having.

Flavor of the Month - these are the flavors that get removed from the menu after a short time. They’re either the experimental flavors or the  hit-and-miss flavors. (Ergo, Ben and Jerry’s flavor graveyard, where they bury old recipes of ice cream flavors.) It’s either because they don’t appeal to the mass or they just aren’t that good to be called Classics. This also applies to people. Some just like to try something new. They’re excited at first, but then they realize that: “Oh, this flavor gets boring really quickly…” It actually hurts to get called the Flavor of the Month, because it means you aren’t substantial enough to be in a long term relationship. You get labeled as Panakip butas lang or a rebound or just a fling. You just aroused them but then, at the end of the day, its still gonna be you and your bed and your pillows at night. You hit-and-missed your mark. The term Takaw-mata also applies. It just means that you just want a taste, but then you’ll never finish the whole thing. No promise of forever, no wedding bells. Tumikim lang. These ‘flavors’ are meant just for those who just haven’t found the ‘right one’ yet.

Classic - these are the favorite flavors and are usually never off from the list. They’re the tested and proven all-time favorites. Flavors like: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, pistachio, etc. They’re the one’s you never get tired of. You may get distracted at some point, but you never fail to choose the ones that you’ve already tasted. These are the people who really fell in love, the perfect match, the one’s that will settle down. They are the one’s that get envied upon by everyone. I’d like to believe that everyone has their own specific favorite, a choice where they feel secure. It does get to a point where you’re not satisfied nor dissatisfied, because you’ve been choosing it over and over again. You get complacent and routinely, stagnant even. In some cases, people will really change their preference. Eto yung mga break-ups na nakaka panghinayang. These ‘flavors’ are the ones that are hard to forget, and they are the one’s that created a big impact in your life. It will be a lot different once you’ve changed favorites. (I went from plain vanilla to rainbow-colored bubblegum, if you know what I mean.)

Limited Edition - these are the unique flavors that work in a weird way, like Caramel and Rock Salt. There’s that perfect balance of sweetness and saltiness. It’s also an acquired taste. Eto yung mga lasang babalik-balikan pero hindi madaling hanapin. They cater to specific persons,. Not everybody is thrilled by wasabi flavored ice cream, right? They’re also very life-changing. They are the persons who also create a big impact but in a really profound way. Different doesn’t always mean quirky or weird. Most of the time, they become Flavors of the Month, but in rare cases they become Classics. (Case in point, Nutella and Banana gelato.) You learn from them because they make you interested, even if you get tired of them. It is not a perfect match but in an obscure way, you tend to not be with anyone else but that same person. Enter concept of ‘Soul-mates.’ You guys don’t really jive well, but you find comfort with each other’s company. You guys may not end up together, but you still see each other. It is weird, but it works for some people. (Me.)

Writing about ice cream just made me crave more. Oh well, keep calm and eat ice cream, oh wait, froyo. :)