that itch

there’s this itch that has been growing on my back. i don’t know whether its an allergic reaction or a skin infection. it’s been really itchy these past few days, although it was barely noticeable before.

i tried to keep scratching on it, i felt relief. soothing that pruritic sensation, i had to keep on scratching and scratching. it’s getting annoying, but i have to scratch it frequently for me to function well.

i had been scratching it for quite some time now. i can see blood stains on my nails sometimes, i even fail pain. even if i had put on some calamine lotion, there’s nothing that can soothe the itch. i have been scratching too deeply, that i had bled copious amounts of blood. i’m starting to lose my color and my vitality. there was nothing positive about scratching my back uncontrollably. 

i had to learn how to stop scratching or else i might die. its only fair that i was already bleeding, a mere remembrance of what i had done in order to relieve that itch.

i stopped scratching, and it feels fucking good. 

isa akong tuod

tuod, ka nik, isa kang matangkad na tuod.

i guess that was why i have been single for a long time. i have been too caught up in my own little world that people have been trying to connect and establish a decent relationship with me ended up frustrated and disappointed. a couple of friends have told me that i have to be a bit more reactive to what other people have been doing. i don’t really thrive in social gatherings and shit. i have always been the geek in the back of the room, figuring out how to stare at God’s face. i have my social graces, but not enough to be intimate.

they told me that i'm intimidating. i never knew that being a nerd would be intimidating. i very much look intellectual and serious, like the type of no-bullshit guy that everyone hates. i have to agree though, i'm very grumpy when i'm not comfortable with the people i'm with. it's one of my negative "silhouettes." they told me that if i want to be in a serious relationship, then i have to treat people fairly. that means even if i'm not necessarily attracted to a person. i still have to smile and be accommodating. i'm no theater artist though.

i have expectations and walls double my height, yep, that's how high they are, and i'm freaking 5'11'' by the way. apparently, some people have tried to traverse my wall, but they got frustrated even more because beyond that wall is another wall, and again double the height. 

such intricacies of dating whether girls or guys are far too complicated for my brain. 

i seem to have learned alot last night, heck i don't even know where to start.

isa pala akong tuod, walang kwenta.

Habagat

Pumapatak nanaman ang ulan sa may bubongan. Ang ingay, ang lakas. Mga kurtinang hinahangin, ang lamig. Mga tilamsik ng ulan saking pisngi galing sa may bintana—mga luha ko.

Sana katabi kita ngayon, nakahiga at naghaharutan. O di naman kaya nagkwekwentuhan at umiinom ng mainit na tsokolate sa may sofa. Maligo ng sabay at magtampisaw sa ulan, ang saya lang.

Kayakap ka magdamag kasi malamig.

Nangungulila ako sayo.

Nakakalungkot.

Pero, isa ka lang palang kathang isip. Makabangon na nga at gumising. Marami pa akong lalabhan at marami pang huhugasang pinggan.

The Tao of Nikki

I've been re-reading the The Tao of Pooh lately. I seem to have forgotten what values this book has taught me. I should stop over thinking, I should stop trying too hard. Things will work always work themselves out, they may have some Odd moments but it will be fine. I guess I'm too caught up with all the little things that bothers me. Apparently, I should not worry about my "Love Life," there will be plenty of time for that. My plans for med school is also just parked in my things-i-wish-could-do-right-now list. I should stop worrying and start living like Pooh.

So now, I'll just stay here, wait for things that can help me move. I'll be like Eeyore who got stuck in the river.

Dry spell

i like my summer this year. i had gone out to the beach, swam and snorkeled, rode a banana boat, ate tons of good food. quite a drastic change for a geek like me. i never even thought that i would have so much fun this summer. but yeah, all good things must come to an end.

i met someone through a friend, we hanged out and dated the whole of summer. i like him and he likes me, but there's just something that we couldn't get out of the way. there's just this feeling of stagnation, but yeah, no one ever dared to take it up a step higher. so now, were just hanging out, like friends. there are just those awkward moments when our common friend throws jokes at us. i don't think it will progress though, i'm too cautious, he's too post-modern.

so i guess, there just no chance for me breaking this dry spell. i think i'll not fret about it anymore, the world of genetic engineering is waiting for me. i'm about to become the first ever Filipino genetic engineer. :)

I have weird taste in music

whats bitter and green at the same time?

Matcha Green Tea. oh no wait. its me!

i guess i have been drinking too much matcha green tea. i'm slowly getting bitter and bitter over the course of my life. the tea leaves must have endowed me their bitterness. why? i don't know either, maybe because the people who i tap for support just let me down, yet again. i just wanna give up, there's too much drama going on.

earlier today,  i just went to inquire about my application for NCLEX and the processing officer told me that i would need about a thousand dollars to get my application going. i already have about 600 and i told my "other" relatives that i still need about 600 more just to be safe. they all just nodded and said "ang mahal naman niyan." oh well, i wanted them to say "kailan mo ba kailangan." i guess they never do get my hints don't they. i don't want to ask them bluntly anymore, they just talk behind my back anyways. blood is not thicker than money, that's the way my father's side of the family is. *insert long deep sigh of epic disappointment*

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im also green right now. not green as in horny or something, but green as in jealous. the people around me and the people that i like are all taken right now. everytime i go out with him, he has stories about how he is flirting with other people. and yeah, ill prolly write about him next time. things just won't work out for us, so we decided to just hang out regularly. but there are just those times that i wanna tell him "hey you, why do you have to keep on looking? im right here you know?!" but i could never have the guts to tell him that. ill just go ahead and keep on wishing that i'm jealous and i'm hurt. how typical of me.

i guess this cup of matcha green tea im sipping right now, is laughing at me. boo, nikki, don't be such a loser!

aphasia.

last night i went out with friends and 2nd degree friends, meaning friends of friends. were drinking cups and cups of coffee and they were smoking a lot. of course, every “tambay” night has to have our discourses, gossips, jokes and laughs. we were talking about the breaking dawn trailer, anime and relationships. i was just laughing my heart out, but really i was picking up what they were talking about. i seriously still have a lot to learn about dating shit. haha

so yeah, they were talking about past relationships and preferences. i swear every word that he said found their way to me. was it mere coincidence or was he trying to throw hints like rocks, hoping to hit me? apparently, i got hit, a lot. haha.

i don’t know whether it was intentional or implied, but i felt really giddy inside. i thought the sparks were gone, but no, he rekindled them, yet again. its confusing, perplexing and exciting. 

maybe i'm just over thinking again. i have seen this situation a dozen times and i'm the one who'll get hurt in the process, i always do. its just awkward now. when our eyes met, its like i was trying to tell him something. that feeling when you try to speak, but end up not speaking at all. like an expressive aphasia.

words just get in the way, right?

par. 34 revised

“the thought of having you by my side is cosmic… it doesn’t mean much to you, but it means the world to me. what scares me the most is the idea of being in a relationship with you where we will not be happy. but i guess i’m glad that i didn’t try to pursue it. we were happy, but thats gonna change soon. i’m sorry”

mainstream marriages

so when my mom had her phone line approved it included a free supersurf for 5 days. she had been tracking people down from her high school and college in facebook. she also made a twitter account and she now knows how to use tweetdeck. when she saw me posting on tumblr, she wanted to make a tumblog too. woohoo. my mom is getting mainstream now.

then we also had a conference with my uncle from chicago. they were setting me up for a fixed marriage so that i can get my green card. its more practical that way, as my uncle said. they sure are mainstream now, practicality over the romance and bullshit of falling in love. i nodded and they thought i agreed, but in the back of my mind i was sort of killing myself.

i was like "wait what? im only 22 years old and i’m getting married?? no one even likes me, heck who would even like to get married to me."

the problem with my mom being mainstream is that she can monitor my activities online. i don’t mind though, but dear god, do not set me up with random people. i already gave up on dating and shit, i just wanna get a decent job and fill the void. haha.

seriously, i just wanna have a job and not get hitched. i’m already up to my eyeballs with my issues and adding a life partner wouldn’t alleviate the problems.

i may not know what i like, but i know what i don’t. but just in case this shit will get real, i want to sing Marry You by Bruno Mars before i say my vows.

Sleepyhead

i love to sleep. its as if everything doesn't matter anymore when im in deep slumber. its the only time i feel "in place."

the dreams that im having are weird, like a disfigured image of Van Gogh's Starry Night. sometimes the voices of the people are like chipmunks and they talk in reverse. the colors are all mismatched like an Andy Warhol with color deficiencies. yes, i know im weird.  imagine a Bjork music video with Andy Warhol's works shot in reverse. everything looks so vivid and distorted, kinda like me?

but i still love sleeping, those weird dreams are not a hindrance, in fact i'm liking them. its the only time where i can feel where i belong and everything bends according to my will. does that make me crazy? probably. but its also the time im at my most vulnerable also, so basically if you want to kill me, do it while im asleep.

i guess those things are my subconscious desires of genetic research, of money, of luxury. i don't know. i'm still allowed to dream aren't i? after all, i'm always a sleepyhead.

summer's last breath

he was seeing waves and waves of rippling heat on the pavements of this abandoned street. he just dreamed that his summer was uncomplicated. he never thought of love nor hate, he just needed a break.

he started walking alone, upon the edges of solitude and intimacy. he spread out his arms to keep balance, but sometimes he trips and falls. it was unavoidable but he still kept on going. 

a light summer breeze brushed his dark brown hair. he swayed with the wind, looking like a dandelion puff. where he was gonna land, nobody knew, not even him. he let the warm gentle breeze take him away.

he flew through valleys, through beaches, through hills. he was filled with serenity, just like when he was drinking his favorite matcha green tea. but things got too windy as expected and the rain started pouring down in buckets. its the sign that summer was gonna end.

he likes the stormy season as much as summer. it clears the air of the sultry heat and charges it with static electricity.


*im sorry i needed to post something in english. i suck at tagalog posts.

barbecue

bago mo pabagain ang uling, kinakailangang may kusot o papel sa ilalim ng mga uling. minsan pa nga, nilalagyan pa ng gaas para mas mabilis magbaga. pa-paypayan mo ng maingat para tumuloy tuloy ang silab ng apoy. kung masyadong malakas at mabilis, hindi magbaga ang uling. kung masyadong mabagal at mahina, mamamatay lang ang silab ng kusot.

mabusisi magpabaga ng uling, at minsan ningas kugon lang ang baga dahil hindi ito nababantayan ng mabuti. at minsan sa pagpaypay mo, may mga bagang lilipad at makakapaso. matrabaho magpabaga, matagal, mainit, nakakapagod. pero kung napatuloy tuloy mo ang silab ng uling, hindi matagal at makakapagihaw ka na rin.

malamang sa malamang, ningas kugon lang ang uling. yung tipong mainit lang sa simula tapos mawawala na lang ng bigla. aminado ako minsan ningas kugon lang ako, pero may rason kung bakit. kung nakikinita ko nang walang patutunguhan, bakit pa magpipilit at magpupursigi. ayokong magsayang ng panahon at emosyon sa bagay na walang kasiguraduhan. mabuti nang hipan na ito bago pa mapaso.