I got home and I immediately slouched on the couch, turned on the TV and just let the TV do the talking. I was browsing channels hoping to find something good to watch. I came upon reruns of Ally McBeal, specifically the episode when Ally hosted a thanksgiving dinner with her friends and family. This particular episode really struck a particular vulnerable space in my heart, but when I was little I couldn’t even get the meaning of the whole show. I guess growing up really makes people think differently, wisely maybe but not really. I know people who grew up and they’re still the same immature persons that they were. But yeah, the episode focused on Ally’s parents. Ally found out that her dad kissed her co-worker, while it was thanksgiving and people were in her house. I wanna narrate all the events that happened but I wanna skip to the part where they all went to therapy.
The therapist was kick-ass; she nailed every issue down like dog on a duck hunt. Lots of issues arose, including why her dad cheated and why her mom cheated also and so on and so forth. Her mom cheated when she little was because she was jealous that she lost her husband to her daughter, which was quite intruiging. She fell in love with the guy because she felt left out of her husband’s life. Her dad on the other hand cheated because he thought Ally had put him to her periphery. He also had no idea that Ally caught her mom and the other guy when she was 3 years old, making the situation really messy.
To sum it all up, her dad cheated because he felt left out of his daughter’s life and her mom cheated because she felt left out of her husband’s life; she felt she lost her husband to her daughter.
This particular heart wrenching episode was significant to me because I guess I can relate to it a bit. I grew up in a home where my mom was the only parent in the house. My dad had an affair when I was in 3rd grade so I kinda saw a pattern there. Did I ever make my dad jealous? Did I hurt his ego because I hogged all the attention of my mom? Did I cause his infidelity? I never knew up to now.
It may be a hopeless romantic’s notion that when people fall in love it, it is forever, it is eternal, and it is magical. I want to believe in that too, but from seeing that these things do happen, may it be in TV or real life, love is just too over rated. I still keep a make-believe world where everyone can fall in love helplessly, but I just take short vacations in that world of mine. I would certainly like that world to be real but its not, it’s especially hard for me because I know I’m different from the normal average populace. I think I might need to see a therapist too.
I grew up with a ton of internal conflicts but I apparently am ok with those. I chose to be a mama’s boy when my dad left us. I wanted to be a man of the house, a daunting task for 3rd grader but apparently I was able to do. I found strength to forgive my father, but sometimes I still blame him for everything that happened after that. I had to grow up prematurely to help my mom and my sisters. My mom suffered from End-Stage Renal Disease, so she had to get a kidney transplant 6 years ago. Our finances just plummeted after her surgery, and then her work also got affected by the global economic recession. I had to make sure that I was gonna finish college all in one go. I studied hard and was able to get my professional license but I can’t even earn enough to help with the financial burden of my mom. I had to take it like a champ, that I’m not going to be doctor anymore. But I am still grateful to my father, because after all, my mom couldn’t concieve a child on her own. It’s just that he chose the easy path for him, but he left us the hard and harsh path on our own. Life sucks, but we learned to deal with it, that sometimes we don’t even care anymore.
Since its February, I wanted to post everything related to love, so that maybe, even just for a brief moment, I could breathe out and tell myself that there’s still love left inside of me. I guess I could never find the right girl/guy who’ll fall head over heels for me, but who cares? I’ve been living fine on my own for 22 freaking years, if love will come then it will someday, soon maybe.
Next on my agenda though, my perfect Bohemian Summer! I’ve just booked 2 tickets to Boracay on March; I need to get in shape again, just like how I did for my previous “modeling” stint. After that, I’m going back to studying and preparing for my NCLEX. My blonde and blue-eyed dreams are starting to materialize and I must grab the opportunities, they’re just waiting for me.
Must lay off food from now on, I don’t wanna look like a big tall marshmallow on the beaches/bitches of Boracay!