migraine

oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
hanggang dito na lang ako, nangangarap na mapasayo.

masakit tanggapin pero, hindi kasi ako ang tipo ng tao na nag-dedemand ng gusto. hindi ko kaya sabihin na, sana ako na lang ang piliin mo. hindi ko naman kasalanan na ganito ako, pero hindi ko rin isini-sisi sayo. nahulog ako mag-isa, tapos nagpapakita ka rin na nahuhulog ka na, pero hindi ako ang priority mo.

gusto kong sabihin sa muka mo, na gusto ko, ako ang priority mo.

asan ba ako sayo? andiyan pa ba sa iyo? aasa ba ko sayo?

may mga pagkakataon na parang gusto ko ng bumitaw, kasi pakiramdam ko wala kang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. nagsisikap ako na suyuin ka't lahat, pero ikaw ni mag-text man lang, hindi pa magawa. para kong kinakausap ang pader, walang kwenta.

gusto ko kahit isang text man lang sa isang araw, yung tipong magpapasaya sakin kahit sobrang pagod na ko.

gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo.

alam ko sa sarili ko na nahulog na ko. pero kung ikaw ayaw mo, wag mo na kong paasahin. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo, bibitaw naman ako. hindi ako masasaktan, tanggap ko na, na hindi talaga pwede. sabihin mo lang kung ayaw mo na, at ako ang kusang bibitaw.

magkakasakitan pa ba tayo bago ko malaman ang katotohanan? sabihin mo lang na ayaw mo na, titigil ako, para sayo.

first taglish post... yuck

Ally McBeal is relevant.

I got home and I immediately slouched on the couch, turned on the TV and just let the TV do the talking. I was browsing channels hoping to find something good to watch. I came upon reruns of Ally McBeal, specifically the episode when Ally hosted a thanksgiving dinner with her friends and family. This particular episode really struck a particular vulnerable space in my heart, but when I was little I couldn’t even get the meaning of the whole show. I guess growing up really makes people think differently, wisely maybe but not really. I know people who grew up and they’re still the same immature persons that they were. But yeah, the episode focused on Ally’s parents. Ally found out that her dad kissed her co-worker, while it was thanksgiving and people were in her house. I wanna narrate all the events that happened but I wanna skip to the part where they all went to therapy.

The therapist was kick-ass; she nailed every issue down like dog on a duck hunt. Lots of issues arose, including why her dad cheated and why her mom cheated also and so on and so forth. Her mom cheated when she little was because she was jealous that she lost her husband to her daughter, which was quite intruiging. She fell in love with the guy because she felt left out of her husband’s life. Her dad on the other hand cheated because he thought Ally had put him to her periphery. He also had no idea that Ally caught her mom and the other guy when she was 3 years old, making the situation really messy.

To sum it all up, her dad cheated because he felt left out of his daughter’s life and her mom cheated because she felt left out of her husband’s life; she felt she lost her husband to her daughter.

This particular heart wrenching episode was significant to me because I guess I can relate to it a bit. I grew up in a home where my mom was the only parent in the house. My dad had an affair when I was in 3^rd grade so I kinda saw a pattern there. Did I ever make my dad jealous? Did I hurt his ego because I hogged all the attention of my mom? Did I cause his infidelity? I never knew up to now.

It may be a hopeless romantic’s notion that when people fall in love it, it is forever, it is eternal, and it is magical. I want to believe in that too, but from seeing that these things do happen, may it be in TV or real life, love is just too over rated. I still keep a make-believe world where everyone can fall in love helplessly, but I just take short vacations in that world of mine. I would certainly like that world to be real but its not, it’s especially hard for me because I know I’m different from the normal average populace.  I think I might need to see a therapist too.

I grew up with a ton of internal conflicts but I apparently am ok with those. I chose to be a mama’s boy when my dad left us. I wanted to be a man of the house, a daunting task for 3^rd grader but apparently I was able to do. I found strength to forgive my father, but sometimes I still blame him for everything that happened after that. I had to grow up prematurely to help my mom and my sisters. My mom suffered from End-Stage Renal Disease, so she had to get a kidney transplant 6 years ago. Our finances just plummeted after her surgery, and then her work also got affected by the global economic recession. I had to make sure that I was gonna finish college all in one go. I studied hard and was able to get my professional license but I can’t even earn enough to help with the financial burden of my mom. I had to take it like a champ, that I’m not going to be doctor anymore. But I am still grateful to my father, because after all, my mom couldn’t concieve a child on her own. It’s just that he chose the easy path for him, but he left us the hard and harsh path on our own. Life sucks, but we learned to deal with it, that sometimes we don’t even care anymore.

Since its February, I wanted to post everything related to love, so that maybe, even just for a brief moment, I could breathe out and tell myself that there’s still love left inside of me. I guess I could never find the right girl/guy who’ll fall head over heels for me, but who cares? I’ve been living fine on my own for 22 freaking years, if love will come then it will someday, soon maybe.

Next on my agenda though, my perfect Bohemian Summer! I’ve just booked 2 tickets to Boracay on March; I need to get in shape again, just like how I did for my previous “modeling” stint. After that, I’m going back to studying and preparing for my NCLEX. My blonde and blue-eyed dreams are starting to materialize and I must grab the opportunities, they’re just waiting for me.

Must lay off food from now on, I don’t wanna look like a big tall marshmallow on the beaches/bitches of Boracay!

[ENG/RO] GaIn (EP) - 04. Esperando (작곡, 작사 by Ra.D)

slow dance with me :)

esperando el amor

i paint my world with the color of chaos

there i was again, staring blankly into the dark sky. i wanted to reach for it but i decided not to anymore. i realized that maybe not all things are meant to be grasped for. there’s this innate feeling of reaching for something but in actuality, in the back of our minds, we all know that we will not ever get that something.

i gave up searching because i learned that if you try to search, you’ll just end up hurt and tired from it. if things are meant to come your way, then they will.

patience goes a long way, which i’m apparently running short of too.

in the end i gave up searching and reaching, too much drama and emotions. i bottled my dreams up and threw it to the sea, never to be found again. i succumbed to the infinite cycle of chaos and dispute over material things. i’ll lose my individuality just for the sake of practicality, because that is what i feel politically correct right now.

i’m throwing my dreams away because of the greater good it will do. i might not achieve what i wanted but at least i know i’ve contributed something in this world, eventhough its not i’ve planned for. it’s sad and bleak, but who cares. i’ve given up on myself so what’s the use of fending for me. i’m not scared of the future anymore, nothing will amaze me anymore. i’m still keeping my faith but my hopes are all dried up like prunes now.

i bit my tongue while chewing on a Christmas Candy Cane. FML

The Paradox of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete...


(lifted from an email)

typographies are my thing too

tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock

So i found out that platonic is really taking the CPA's this year, which i kinda had a feeling that he did, due to my excessive stalking prowess. I wanted to ask platonic out last Valentine's day via SMS, and it went something like this:

Neurotic: Hey, what's up?

Platonic: I'm ok ^.^

Neurotic: I wanna go out, lets have some coffee on monday? Nothing fancy just plain Starbucks.

Platonic: Can't, have to study. I need to sleep... zzZZzzZZ

Neurotic: Ok then... I'll just spend Valentine's alone then. Hahaha! Nighty.

Failed attempt, yes? Geez, I was looking forward to meeting platonic again... Anyway, I spent my Valentine's alone, doing laundry and cleaning the whole house. Apparently, I have a ton of clothes inside my closet that I must dispose or at least give to the needy.

I kind of feel stupid for doing that, but heck, I really want platonic in my life. The days spent stalking on Facebook would be meaningless if platonic would never go out with me. Besides we kissed at the most awkward place ever... *pukes, then giggles* and platonic was the one who asked for it, I just obliged. LOL

I know how it feels to study for a licensure exam, its a lot like hell. You can certainly feel the time running out, or you're running after time, or time is running after you. It's stress to the nth level. I understand...

Platonic must realize that I'm also running after time, I might have to leave in a year... I guess platonic still doesn't get that but I'll let platonic decide whether to throw me away or keep me. I can also feel that I'm running out of time, or running after time, or time is running after me. I just need reassurance that platonic will hold on, if platonic decides to let go, then I'll gladly do it.

'Til the last petal drops...

Falling in love, saying goodbye

With a vow that this is the last heartbreak

Even the cherry tree, swaying in the wind

Will eventually blossom

The summer rain that started to fall

gently streaked past my tears

Images that resemble memories

Autumn's drama reruns

Why have I suffered

Almost the same blows such countless times?

But even so, I'll probably fight again

That is one of life's mysteries

Falling in love, giving it everything

With a wish that this is the last heartbreak

Even the cherry tree, swaying through time

Will eventually blossom

Sakura Drops

In the revolving seasons

My shoes are wearing out, more and more

Let go the tension in your shoulders

So you can seal away the past somewhere

From here they're probably not too far

Sceneries you haven't even seen

I want to overcome the ceaseless pain in my chest

And become closer to you

I have wandered about once and returned

Always grasping for the blue sky

Falling in love, saying goodbye

With a vow that today's the first good day

Everything, even the cherry tree, swaying in the wind

Softly reaches out toward you

I love you, it can't be helped

(lifted from a translator, i just love how meaningful Utada's songs are...)

only fools rush in

There’s always this part of me that tries to believe that love is magical. Well, for the first few months of a relationship, yes there’s a lot of magic. But what would happen if that magical feeling disappeared? We were enchanted by this notion that love is always magical, including me. But yeah in reality, there’s always pain when there is love.

“The head is above the heart for a reason.”

Sure it is, but its not the brain that is falling in love. It’s the heart that makes you want to do those stupid things. Sometimes you can’t help but do it. If you are somehow able to inhibit all those craziness then i salute you. I’ve never seen anyone not go crazy when they’re in love. We think that is only normal to go crazy when we are in-love. But if you think closely, if the relationship fails, you’d be left with nothing, not even your dignity. So yeah, only fools rush in.

Then again, if you dont let your defenses down, no one would be able to come in. We are in such predicament to as whether to fall head over heels or keep your shields up. It’s also this situation where we get tired of waiting for someone who can sweep us of our feet. And that long wait can also lead to your downfall.

Love is complicated, i’m not gonna deny that. I myself wish that it would be as simple as ABC’s too. But from what i observed and learned from every movie, from every failed relationship, from my friend’s anguish, is that love always goes with pain. If only people would realize that and not believe that love is all sparks and cuddles, then maybe it will get less complicated. Sadly, people only accept the benefits of love, and in the end they’re the ones who become bitter suicidal ex-es.

Only fools rush in is still true. And hopefully, i’m not gonna be one. I’ll do my best to apply my theories and concepts on this four letter word that makes everyone cray-cray, hopefully. :)

no strings attached eh? this is not a chocolate-covered and caramel-filled rants of affection, in fact its timely and relevant

i’ve been hearing this line being overused lately. no strings attached this, no strings attached that. how could you ever get into a relationship if you’re not gonna get attached? the word “relation” can be synonymous to “connect.” “connected” can be synonymous to “attached.” the logic is so simple that even 1st graders can comprehend it. why would be anyone be so afraid of getting attached to a person?

afraid of the end? wow, people must be really eager to see things through the end. in fact they’re to obsessed to see the end that they forgot to see the beginning and the middle; and those 2 parts are the most fun and exciting of the whole experience.

afraid of getting hurt you say? sheesh, that’s the actual point of love. love can be sweet and bitter at the same time. that’s just how it is. the whole point of being human is to feel love and to feel hurt. why do people avoid the hurt part? in my opinion that would just be plain selfish and inconsiderate. 2 people in love can get hurt at same time, its just that one will get hurt more than the other because one loved more than the other. its always been that way. “law of equivalent exchange.” you only get as much as give.

i don’t understand why people use such lame tactics just to avoid agony. and since its February i can safely assume some people are gonna go wacko with the candies and chocolates and the whole shebang but before you do, would you be ready to get swept off of your feet? would you still go unattached and pathetic? honestly, the fools are the ones who don’t understand the whole concept of love and hurt thing. everything must be a learning process for them, i think. in which i think i need to learn myself too. learning is fun, you just have to enjoy it.

and then i glomped all my taro pies and a tall glass of milk <3

(lifted from my tumblr)

if only i could be braver

"i want to tell you that i get jealous over petty things.
i wanna tell you how much i miss you when you go into your full battle gear for school.
i wanna say "i love you" but i cant, cause i'm too afraid to scare you away. 
i wanna hug you when you feel blue, but apparently i'm too skinny to do that now.
i wanna see you smile at me whenever i talk
i wanna hear you laugh at my jokes, until you fart
i wanna share your burdens, if you think you've had enough
i wanna hold your hand and tell you "we're gonna be ok," but i can't"

i wanna do all these stuff, but there's something holding me back.

i just wanna feel that you're feeling the same way too. i wanna feel that you'll fight for this. i wish i could tell you that also but i'm too ashamed to say it to your face. i know i'm feeling something greater than sparks now, but i don't know how to express that to you without you clinching or fleeing. i'll still wait until you decide, on what grounds are we standing on right now. i'm ready to be what you want me to be, just tell me that you'll do the same for me.

"the more that i wish for my happiness, the more selfish i become" - Utada Hikaru (Dareka no Negai ga Kanau Koro)

of Lights and Cockroaches

They always say that when 2 people are destined to meet, sparks will fly off instantly. Well, in my case it was only me who felt sparks, the other felt blurred and discombobulated. Would it be correct to assume that either one of us was the fool who saw something that wasn't meant to be?I tried my best to clear out my thoughts. Maybe I wasn't seeing sparks, I was seeing an illusion of what i wanted it to be. It might not be even sparks at all, cockroaches perhaps? But that couldn't be, for I know that I'm too rational to even come up with such grandiose delusions of chemistry and compatibility. I tried to investigate further on those tiny little glowing orbs; are they real or are they just fantasy?

I picked up a twinkling little orb. Felt it, looked at it, smelled it, tasted it, listened for sounds that came out of it, but it was just... there, glowing and pulsating. It felt warm and nice, but it felt like a glass marble, hard and solid. It was as light as a feather and it just drifts along to movement of objects around it, but I couldn't blow it away. It tastes like candy, but it doesn't melt. From afar, they look like fireflies, but when you look at them closely, they're formless. They hum like bees, but when you shake them, they ring like christmas bells. What the hell are these things?

Certainly they weren't cockroaches or any known object to man. I thought it might be a form of extraterrestrial life, but then they came out from "that" person's chest. Ghosts maybe? Not really, cause I know for a fact that ghosts come from dead people but "that" person is alive and kicking. 

It was still a mystery, that was my conclusion... 

But, are these the sparks that people are talking about? It's so beautiful and enchanting, but it's of no use. It was real; I saw them and I questioned they're existence, they just gave me vague ideas and answers. Still it was a concept and it was better than nothing. I finally understood that those things are unexplainable, yet they persist.

But then they're of no use cause "that" person couldn't even notice or see them. Beautiful as these sparks are, it was only me who marveled at their presence. "That" only saw murky colors swatched around me. Rather ambiguous if you ask me, but these sparks are too. Could I try to describe what it looks, feels, tastes, smells, sounds like to "that" ? I wasn't able to, but I know they were there. "That" never believed me, "that" claimed "that" can only visualize a murky, disturbed image of a kid looking at "that" with eager eyes. 

Then I concluded, we weren't crazy at all... It was all too real for us, it's just that we don't see the same thing; but we definitely both know there's something there... Something magical? Something awful? Something necessary? Something we can live without? I am not so sure anymore... It was way beyond reason and philosophy, even science and logic. I could only learn so much, yet there's not a thing I could explain about that event.

In the end "that" gave up and moved along the path which "that" was on. I'm still stuck at the square when "that" happened. Was I wrong to not let "that" see what i was looking at?? I tried to, but "that" never looked back. I looked around me, and I saw sparks coming off of me too. It was pouring out like water from a gardening hose. After a while, it enveloped me and I was ecstatic! I tried to reach out to "that" person, but "that" was nowhere to be found anymore. "That" was lost in those murky, unappealing blurred colors. The sparks were losing luminescence and started dropping like flies, but they were crashing like incandescent light bulbs onto the cement pavement. Slowly but surely, the sparklies were depleted, all except for a few that fell unto my toes. They lost that WOW! effect, and starting to turn into those mishmosh of lines and colors. I tried to save a few, but they eventually lost the bright light that they were emitting. I looked at it closely and it resembled a cockroach now. I threw it away in disgust and started walking along the gray cement pavement.

I got fooled by "that" person. I saw something I wanted to see and then realized that it wasn't magical at all, in fact it was digusting and gross. I wanted to make "that" believe that there were sparks, but instead all those things were cockroaches. I lost time in "that" event, but heck it was really something. Have I been that stupid to get lured by cockroaches? No, i just wanted to believe that maybe cockroaches were good for something other than bother people with their daily lives. I tried to delude myself with ideals that maybe they can represent something wonderful and delightful. In the end I killed the cockroaches by stepping on them one by one. I heard a crash...Then I woke up and realized I was late for work.

(lifted from my Tumblog)

i have been blogging for more than 6 years already...

how cool is that? but my blogs are like scattered, one's in blogspot, one's in multiply, one's in tumblr. well i might have to maintain this blog again, since i'm a serious blogger LOL. anyways ill try to compress everything in one squeeze, but my most active blog as of the moment is my tumblr. feel free to browse, jump and burn my blog. :)