Sunday, April 17, 2011

of sobriety and heartaches

The moonlight shone across the powdery white sand and the deep blue-green water. Only distant lights from across the bay were visible, although there were lamps lit behind me. The gentle sea breeze blowing was quite cool and nice. Walking for miles, I decided to sit down near the sand bar. Looking back to where I was, my footprints were washed by the waves.

This same time last year, we were just laughing and drinking our hearts away. We were both crying and screaming about our disappointments. We were both heartbroken, but we had each other. We were bestfriends, almost lovers really. There were just too many hurdles in our way, that’s why we could never be more than friends. I was wishing, hoping, and craving for more, but yeah, I wasn’t expecting. How I wish things would have been different though. Maybe I would have met your parents, maybe I would have worked my ass off even if I was getting sick, maybe I would have been the father of your baby. A lot of maybes, yes? No regrets though. I’m too pathetic to even regret what I have never done.

I was shocked about those things you told me. I couldn’t do anything, I am pathetic. He’s a freaking lucky guy, he just doesn’t know it yet. Everything was too fast though, it happened within just a year. I’m truly ecstatic for you though, you’ve always wanted your own family. Now you have one of your own! I know you can be a good mom; I’ve been with you for 5 years. I’ve seen how good you were with children and babies; and I know you and him have planned this. I’ll just wish you goodluck and happiness. It’s quite satisfying seeing you happy with him and your baby.

A ton of things changed in such a short time. I miss how we used to hang out and study our lessons. Of course I was the one truly studying and you were the one dilly-dallying. Haha. But yeah, I was kinda like a tutor to you; and in return you would treat me with coffee and banoffee pies. I miss how we would drive around and pick up our classmates somewhere and then just lay on the grounds of our school while staring at the empty sky. I even remember how we just spontaneously went to a resort in antipolo and swam until dawn, and of course booze, cigarettes and food were never our problem; it was getting home safe and sober that was our main issue. Haha.

I just wish though that those memories would last, unlike my pathetic footprints on this beach. Seeing you after a year was like a breath of fresh air. We had to catch up on each other’s lives for 6 straight hours talking and laughing. This unplanned meeting of ours reminded me of how much I was missing out on. I have been too engrossed in my own life that I’m not enjoying it anymore. I certainly miss our “tambay” days. I also told you that maybe next year; I’ll be gone, pursuing my responsibilities and career. Of course you were like doused with cold water, I’m sorry. It was our first meeting after a year and I’ve told you that I might be leaving soon, but I really needed to tell you that. We have our own lives now and I know that it’s moving too fast. But we’ll just carry on, like what we did during that year that we weren’t even communicating with each other. We have our own problems now, but we promised each other that we still need to keep our bridge intact. I’m just happy to have you as a friend, sister even. There are just things that weren’t meant to be, I accept that.

Now I have to start walking back, its getting late. The tide is getting high, my laptop might not survive a dip in the briny waters. I’m quite tipsy after drinking 3 bottles of Tanduay Ice. I’ll have a goodnight’s sleep tonight.

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