ambivalence

I love someone and I'm that stupid, because not even a hug I get from my beloved; just distant smiles.

i did a quick survey on my tumblr earlier. i tried to ask my followers about how and what they feel about love. i got that particular line. voila! it seemed very relevant to me personally.

i also asked my sensei about being stupid when you're in-love. he replied this statement a long time ago:

it's okay, we tend to be stupid in love sometimes. we get hurt, but we learn and move on.

so are we really sacrificing our rational thinking when we are in-love? isn't it supposed to be "the head comes before the heart?"

one of my review-mates also had the same predicament. she's very much in-love with someone, but her parents does not approve of the kid. they're a typical chinese family, and whatever the father says, its the law. so she tried to hide their love affair, but the boy's ex-girlfriend tried to ruin everything. she was texting my friend's parents about her current love affair. my friend's parents got terribly mad at her. they took her cellphone, her laptop and they were not giving her any allowance. they also sticked the poor girl when they found out, to think that my friend was already 21 years of age. i felt bad for her and i thought i needed to intervene.

• N: Is he really worth the sacrifices you are making right now?
• L: Ewan ko, mahal ko eh.
• N: Mahal mo nga pero tignan mo nangyayari sa'yo
• L: I know, but I can't help it. Mahal ko eh... Ngayon pa ba ako bibitaw eh na-sacrifice ko na lahat.
• N: What about your future then? Papayag ka na maging ganyan ka lang?
• L: Hinde, pero... basta.
• N: Tignan mo, hindi ka mapasok sa review natin dahil hindi ka binibigyan ng baon. Pano na ang USRN license mo?
• L: Oo alam ko. Matalino naman tayo eh.
• N: Maski na, mabuti nang sigurado. Tsaka pag punta naman natin sa states, freedom na katumbas nun.
• L: Ganun?
• N: Eh kung makipag-break ka na kaya? Para mas madali ang buhay...
• L: Pwede, kaso pano pag after 10 years may iba na siya?
• N: Eh di ibig sabihin hindi kayo para sa isa't isa. Kasi kung mahal ka nya mage-effort din siya. Para naman maipaglaban mo at maipagmalaki mo siya sa parents mo. Kung hindi siya payag, eh di wag. I think you deserve better and there are alot of way better guys out there. We're still young, we can still take our time, diba? (no offense to the guy, but he's not cute or anything. he has a great bod though.)
• L: You know what, you're right. I think I really should be friends with you. Napaka goal-oriented mo. Haha.
• N: Not all the time, practical lang. I myself want to have someone, pero malabo friend eh. I know where I'm going, bawal madistract. Marami akong responsibilities na dapat pang tugunan.
• L: Sus, ako rin naman eh. I just wanted to be happy. Pero kung family na ang usapan, kaya kong i-sacrifice lahat.
• N: Eh yun naman pala eh! Ba't ka pa nagrebelde. Sakit mo sa ulo.
• L: Eh kasi for 21 years, over-achiever ako sa school. Lahat ng gusto ng parents ko sinusunod ko. Hindi ba pwede maging masaya, kahit si D lang?
• N: Wala tayong magagawa dyan, ayaw nila eh. Tignan mo ikaw ang napagbuntunan. Ikaw ang naghihirap, hindi mo naman kelangan mag hirap nang ganyan.
• L: Eh mahal ko nga si D eh, epal lang to si H. Nagtetext pa kay daddy. Ayaw tuloy akong paniwalaan ni daddy.
• N: Pabayaan mo na nga sila. Magsama sila. Bitter yang H na yan. Bagay naman sila eh, hindi sila maganda o pogi. Muka silang iskwater no?! (sorry for the bitching out)
• L: Ang sama mo!!! Hahahaha!
• N: I'm just stating the truth! We look way way better than them. We deserve the best. We're smart, tall and we have looks naman. (well, she's 5'9'' and i'm 5'11'' and we're both aspiring models, beat that!)
• L: Alam mo, friend na kita forever!!! Hahaha! Ikaw na ang mentor ko!
• N: Haha, siyempre. Naging ganyan din ako no. Tanga tanga lang.

i'm not really sure if what i did was right. i was just trying to be rational about it. but yeah, why is it so hard to give up your happiness when you know it's not doing you good? talaga bang masarap ang bawal? she was freaking tortured, but she held on to that guy.

to fall in-love is not easy, especially when its complicated. i would like to kick those writers, in the ass, who make love stories, the kind where everyone swoons. i'm sorry but i finally gave up on romanticism. those who swoon over romeo and juliet, screw them. they both ended dead in the ending, not my idea of a happy ending!

i don't know where to stand on this balance anymore. a part of me secretly yearns for that warm, fuzzy feeling of romance and a part of me wants to be practical and rational. ambivalent much?