lomography attempt.

so yeah i tried to salvage some of our shots from our previous vacation. i came upon these and edited it to my hearts content. i actually took the shots, i just wasn't sure how to make it look better. then i just had fun with photoscape and voila, lomography wannabe.

gelatin

whenever i’m with you, i feel defenseless. whenever you look at me, i feel like a big sack of amorphous unset clear gelatin. it’s as if i got nothing to hide and nowhere to run. no pretensions, no lies. i hate the fact that i can’t mask myself when i’m with you. i just feel all wobbly and light-headed. i hate it so much, but i appreciate it. when i’m with you, i can just be myself. you don’t judge me for what i do and what i like. heck, you even like things that i like. it scares me that someone really knows me as me. it also scares me that someday you will be just gone, will forever be just a fragment of a memory.

i hate the thought of losing you. i hate the thought that i may never be able to find someone like you. i hate it that i can’t do anything about it. i hate it so much that it hurts. i hate everything but you.

The Meantime Girl

What is a meantime girl?

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find “The One.”

You know, she’s the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a “real” woman, either. She’s not bitch enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real” woman does.

But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.

You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . . . why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at a factory. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be special to someone, too.

We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. Been one for him. For how long, I can’t remember.

I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy know who’s ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot.

And we won’t be around forever.

-anonymous


*how i wish there was a Meantime Guy version, i saw this on my friends blog and i think she needs a new boyfriend.

night life

hot and sweaty, smelling like cigarettes but we’re not even smokers. that addictive high from epinephrine and endorphin. that heart-pounding, eardrum-breaking music. i almost forgot how it’s like when we party out all-night.

we get our bottles from the bar and immediately head on the dance floor. we push the other people aside and find our best spot. we start dancing crazily and we sway to the beat of the DJ. we throw our caution to the wind, letting go of every inhibition. dancing, gyrating, turning, pouting, grinding. we’re always careful about not spilling our drinks though. we don’t even care about people staring at us. it’s just us, the dance floor, the music and the booze.

the music never stopped, and so was our night. we grew tired and headed out for some air. that’s when we felt our knees and back really sore. signs of aging maybe? but yeah, we were getting old for this. the people that were dancing beside us, they were mere fetuses in comparison to us. its amazing how the kids these days are practically adults, but not entirely. we just enjoyed the night life a little late, while they are enjoying it as much as they can.

we got hungry after all that partying and raving, so we decided to pig out in McDonald’s. nothing beats a cheeseburger, a large box of fries and a big cup of diet coke. then we realized, maybe we are a bit too old for this scene. we have our ambitions yes, but we needed to unwind a bit. i guess it never hurts to indulge sometimes, but we do know we have responsibilities to attend to.

im craving for that high, im lusting for that inebriated feeling. maybe next week, i’ll do it again. wanna join?

*photo courtsesy of continuitylabs.com

of sobriety and heartaches

The moonlight shone across the powdery white sand and the deep blue-green water. Only distant lights from across the bay were visible, although there were lamps lit behind me. The gentle sea breeze blowing was quite cool and nice. Walking for miles, I decided to sit down near the sand bar. Looking back to where I was, my footprints were washed by the waves.

This same time last year, we were just laughing and drinking our hearts away. We were both crying and screaming about our disappointments. We were both heartbroken, but we had each other. We were bestfriends, almost lovers really. There were just too many hurdles in our way, that’s why we could never be more than friends. I was wishing, hoping, and craving for more, but yeah, I wasn’t expecting. How I wish things would have been different though. Maybe I would have met your parents, maybe I would have worked my ass off even if I was getting sick, maybe I would have been the father of your baby. A lot of maybes, yes? No regrets though. I’m too pathetic to even regret what I have never done.

I was shocked about those things you told me. I couldn’t do anything, I am pathetic. He’s a freaking lucky guy, he just doesn’t know it yet. Everything was too fast though, it happened within just a year. I’m truly ecstatic for you though, you’ve always wanted your own family. Now you have one of your own! I know you can be a good mom; I’ve been with you for 5 years. I’ve seen how good you were with children and babies; and I know you and him have planned this. I’ll just wish you goodluck and happiness. It’s quite satisfying seeing you happy with him and your baby.

A ton of things changed in such a short time. I miss how we used to hang out and study our lessons. Of course I was the one truly studying and you were the one dilly-dallying. Haha. But yeah, I was kinda like a tutor to you; and in return you would treat me with coffee and banoffee pies. I miss how we would drive around and pick up our classmates somewhere and then just lay on the grounds of our school while staring at the empty sky. I even remember how we just spontaneously went to a resort in antipolo and swam until dawn, and of course booze, cigarettes and food were never our problem; it was getting home safe and sober that was our main issue. Haha.

I just wish though that those memories would last, unlike my pathetic footprints on this beach. Seeing you after a year was like a breath of fresh air. We had to catch up on each other’s lives for 6 straight hours talking and laughing. This unplanned meeting of ours reminded me of how much I was missing out on. I have been too engrossed in my own life that I’m not enjoying it anymore. I certainly miss our “tambay” days. I also told you that maybe next year; I’ll be gone, pursuing my responsibilities and career. Of course you were like doused with cold water, I’m sorry. It was our first meeting after a year and I’ve told you that I might be leaving soon, but I really needed to tell you that. We have our own lives now and I know that it’s moving too fast. But we’ll just carry on, like what we did during that year that we weren’t even communicating with each other. We have our own problems now, but we promised each other that we still need to keep our bridge intact. I’m just happy to have you as a friend, sister even. There are just things that weren’t meant to be, I accept that.

Now I have to start walking back, its getting late. The tide is getting high, my laptop might not survive a dip in the briny waters. I’m quite tipsy after drinking 3 bottles of Tanduay Ice. I’ll have a goodnight’s sleep tonight.

halcyonic days

this next couple of days will be much stress free, i hope. i need to take a break from studying for a bit so that i can make sure i won't die while i'm taking my exam. i might not be active in any of my blogs, although i'm very much active on twitter and facebook. LMAO!

i'll try my best to not be distracted anymore, and if that means that i have to stop blogging incessantly, then *poof!* no more nikki. i'll try my best not to have "cardiac" problems for now, but who knows. i bet no one knows what singelringen is, and yes, i'm wearing one right now. tee hee.

one of my biggest fears is opening up to random people, where they can judge me and i've got nowhere to hide. its my safety blanket, but i'll take my best friend's advice to not be myself, even just for a day, and maybe i can see things in a new perspective. i am terrified of getting hurt(again) but i need to get over this really soon. i'm repulsive, i know... *slash wrist*

but yeah, things are looking much brighter now, because my review classes are gonna be over soon. wish me luck!

"the dog days are over, the dog days are done. the horses are coming, so you better run!"

Dido - White Flag

"i've caused nothing but trouble, i understand if you can't talk to me again. and if you live by the rules of its over, well im sure that that makes sense."

:)

date a girl who eats

by Bianca Consunji

Date a girl who eats. Date a girl who dares to order a steak instead of slowly picking at salad leaves dressed with vinaigrette on the first date. She is the girl who knows what’s good on the menu, and knows that carbonara is often ordered by the bland brigade of people who don’t know any better.

Take her to a steak restaurant; make sure that you order your steak medium rare and not well done, because she knows that only barbarians order well done. Steak, medium rare, is the best way to identify good meat from the mediocre. She skips the Hollandaise and tucks in, stopping only for a bite of potatoes in between. The girl who eats doesn’t beat around the bush: she knows that steaks that require sauce are insecure.

Date her because that’s the same way she likes guys: substantial, and real. You won’t need to impress her with fancy restaurants, because the girl who eats has been to roadside eateries that serve food that’s just as good—or even better—than stuffy establishments. Knock down a stick of barbecue and a good, cold beer with her (as long as you don’t ice it down to a watery mess).

When you’re with the girl who eats, you won’t have to worry if there’s a fried chicken grease spot on your shirt, or if there’s ketchup on your cheek. She’ll understand—she’s been there. Maybe as a joke she’ll smear cake icing on the tip of your nose and kiss it off.

Date a girl who eats because she’ll take care of you. She’ll feed you chicken soup when you’re sick, and bake cookies on lazy weekends. A girl who eats isn’t afraid of adventure, and is constantly in search of new things to try: fried milk, chocolate bacon, tequila-flavored ice cream.

The girl who eats will go all over the world in search of the perfect meal, but knows that often, the best things are the ones closest to home. She will keep coming back to the basics: a bowl of steaming rice topped with her mom’s beef stew, flavored with onions and pepper; her grandmother’s soup, the result of hours of stirring in the kitchen. Her dad’s grilled cheese sandwiches, done in five minutes, but no less impressive.

Maybe one day, while the two of you share a slice of cake, she’ll realize that you’ve occupied a permanent place in her heart in the same way the stews and soups from home have, and she won’t have to go around the world in search of the perfect meal. Because anything you make for her at that point is the perfect meal, even if you char the steak and forget to salt the potatoes.

empty

i miss talking to you. i miss confiding my deepest darkest secrets with you. i miss how you would just laugh at them. i miss how you’d try to tell your secrets too, just so we can continue our conversations. i miss everything that you told me to do, but of course, i didn’t pay attention. i was busy listening to our laughter. i miss how we’d stay up all night; talking, laughing, chatting, trying to cheer each other up. i miss how we’d watch youtube videos together. i miss how you’d call me on the phone and try to seduce me, it almost kinda worked. i miss how i can be so informal when talking to you, its as if the distance wasn’t existent. i miss everything about that, but seeing that everything is where is at right now, i’ll just be happy with missing you.

i miss you.

i like you.

i loved, yes, i loved you.

ambivalence

I love someone and I'm that stupid, because not even a hug I get from my beloved; just distant smiles.

i did a quick survey on my tumblr earlier. i tried to ask my followers about how and what they feel about love. i got that particular line. voila! it seemed very relevant to me personally.

i also asked my sensei about being stupid when you're in-love. he replied this statement a long time ago:

it's okay, we tend to be stupid in love sometimes. we get hurt, but we learn and move on.

so are we really sacrificing our rational thinking when we are in-love? isn't it supposed to be "the head comes before the heart?"

one of my review-mates also had the same predicament. she's very much in-love with someone, but her parents does not approve of the kid. they're a typical chinese family, and whatever the father says, its the law. so she tried to hide their love affair, but the boy's ex-girlfriend tried to ruin everything. she was texting my friend's parents about her current love affair. my friend's parents got terribly mad at her. they took her cellphone, her laptop and they were not giving her any allowance. they also sticked the poor girl when they found out, to think that my friend was already 21 years of age. i felt bad for her and i thought i needed to intervene.

• N: Is he really worth the sacrifices you are making right now?
• L: Ewan ko, mahal ko eh.
• N: Mahal mo nga pero tignan mo nangyayari sa'yo
• L: I know, but I can't help it. Mahal ko eh... Ngayon pa ba ako bibitaw eh na-sacrifice ko na lahat.
• N: What about your future then? Papayag ka na maging ganyan ka lang?
• L: Hinde, pero... basta.
• N: Tignan mo, hindi ka mapasok sa review natin dahil hindi ka binibigyan ng baon. Pano na ang USRN license mo?
• L: Oo alam ko. Matalino naman tayo eh.
• N: Maski na, mabuti nang sigurado. Tsaka pag punta naman natin sa states, freedom na katumbas nun.
• L: Ganun?
• N: Eh kung makipag-break ka na kaya? Para mas madali ang buhay...
• L: Pwede, kaso pano pag after 10 years may iba na siya?
• N: Eh di ibig sabihin hindi kayo para sa isa't isa. Kasi kung mahal ka nya mage-effort din siya. Para naman maipaglaban mo at maipagmalaki mo siya sa parents mo. Kung hindi siya payag, eh di wag. I think you deserve better and there are alot of way better guys out there. We're still young, we can still take our time, diba? (no offense to the guy, but he's not cute or anything. he has a great bod though.)
• L: You know what, you're right. I think I really should be friends with you. Napaka goal-oriented mo. Haha.
• N: Not all the time, practical lang. I myself want to have someone, pero malabo friend eh. I know where I'm going, bawal madistract. Marami akong responsibilities na dapat pang tugunan.
• L: Sus, ako rin naman eh. I just wanted to be happy. Pero kung family na ang usapan, kaya kong i-sacrifice lahat.
• N: Eh yun naman pala eh! Ba't ka pa nagrebelde. Sakit mo sa ulo.
• L: Eh kasi for 21 years, over-achiever ako sa school. Lahat ng gusto ng parents ko sinusunod ko. Hindi ba pwede maging masaya, kahit si D lang?
• N: Wala tayong magagawa dyan, ayaw nila eh. Tignan mo ikaw ang napagbuntunan. Ikaw ang naghihirap, hindi mo naman kelangan mag hirap nang ganyan.
• L: Eh mahal ko nga si D eh, epal lang to si H. Nagtetext pa kay daddy. Ayaw tuloy akong paniwalaan ni daddy.
• N: Pabayaan mo na nga sila. Magsama sila. Bitter yang H na yan. Bagay naman sila eh, hindi sila maganda o pogi. Muka silang iskwater no?! (sorry for the bitching out)
• L: Ang sama mo!!! Hahahaha!
• N: I'm just stating the truth! We look way way better than them. We deserve the best. We're smart, tall and we have looks naman. (well, she's 5'9'' and i'm 5'11'' and we're both aspiring models, beat that!)
• L: Alam mo, friend na kita forever!!! Hahaha! Ikaw na ang mentor ko!
• N: Haha, siyempre. Naging ganyan din ako no. Tanga tanga lang.

i'm not really sure if what i did was right. i was just trying to be rational about it. but yeah, why is it so hard to give up your happiness when you know it's not doing you good? talaga bang masarap ang bawal? she was freaking tortured, but she held on to that guy.

to fall in-love is not easy, especially when its complicated. i would like to kick those writers, in the ass, who make love stories, the kind where everyone swoons. i'm sorry but i finally gave up on romanticism. those who swoon over romeo and juliet, screw them. they both ended dead in the ending, not my idea of a happy ending!

i don't know where to stand on this balance anymore. a part of me secretly yearns for that warm, fuzzy feeling of romance and a part of me wants to be practical and rational. ambivalent much?

masochistic tendencies

i was chatting with a friend today. she seemed a bit anxious about something. i asked her to PM me on FB.

• J: Hahaha.. Nothing much.. Puyat lang super.. Mga 6am na ko nakauwi.. Tapos yun hour nap lang then nagising na agad ako.. Asar.. Partida na lasing pa ko ah.. Kaya antok na antok katawan ko pero utak ko ayaw papigil.. Hahaha 
• N: kasi may iniisip ka na naman.
• J: Meron actually.. Hahaha.. Lagi naman.. Masyado kasi analytic kaibigan mo.. Hahaha..
• N: parehas tayo. kaya nga tayo friends diba? :))
• J: Yes.. Hahaha.. Alam mo yun simple lang naman ang buhay yes or no, black or white pero bakit may maybe tapos may gray pa.. Pampagulo eh..
• N: pero i love all the gray areas din eh. ewan ko ba. ang weird natin...
• J: True.. Gray areas makes it challenging kasi.. Haha
• N: kaya nga eh. gustong gusto talaga natin ung pinahihirapan natin ang mga sarili natin... how weird are we diba? haha.
• J: Masochist tayo.. Hahaha.. Kidding.. We just want challenges.. Ayaw natin ng routine.. Hehehe

that last statement was epic. i'm just not sure if i really want to get hurt on purpose or i just want something challenging. am i over analyzing things again?

kablam!

i went to a go-see earlier. it was for an event with L’oreal. they were supposed to get 6 male models at least 5’10” in height(i am freaking 5’11” so i am quite qualified.) i got to the venue, signed up at the registry, and sat and waited for 2 hours. the event organizers, the stylists and the hairstylists all went out, after quite some time and said that they weren’t expecting anymore male models to come and have a go-see. the head designer actually hired models from PMAP already, so apparently there was no need for us to be there anymore.

you know that feeling that you made an effort to look extra good and wait patiently in line just to get booked for a project and then they just tell you that they’ve already hired someone. crap, right? well there, another opportunity gone.

it’s hard being a newbie to everything, but i give everything my best shot. i want to excel in whatever stuff that i do, but there are just these situations that make me want to give up on everything. i don’t take rejection pretty well, because i know i’ve worked hard on it, but yeah, who cares. there are alot of things for me to focus on, and modeling is not one of them. deep inside, i yearn for it, but for practicality’s sake, i should give up.

anywho, there are still more opportunities to come(i hope!!!) i’ll just keep on doing what i’m doing and be on my way. 

*i cheated today. i ate alot of pasta and buko pandan, just to cajole me out of my misery. teehee. must not get fat, or else no more modeling shiznits.