setting limits

there are things that people should understand, and that is everything has limits.

limits provide security and safety. it was never meant to be surpassed or broken, everything beyond it is hazardous. that would be absurd, contradicting the logic itself.

i forgot my limits for a while, ended up with a couple of nicks and bruises and a necrotic heart valve. i've had enough, i've learned the hard way, cause i'm stubborn just like that.

anyways, time to shrug off everything. time to wake up with brand new eyes and a perfectly ironed bowtie.

today

choking with tears,

gagging with anger.

i closed my eyes,

a frigid heart mourns.

the scent of ink on my skin

on a deliriously languid afternoon.

searching for someone to talk to

has never been hard.

how pitiful

mianhae

I’m sorry I’m a mess.
I’m sorry I’m selfish.
I’m sorry I can’t be the guy who will talk to you when you need me to, because I’m selfish.
I’m sorry I made you mad.
I’m sorry I didn’t even tell you earlier how sorry I am.
I’m sorry I can’t be any good.
I’m sorry that you have to go through this because of me.
I’m sorry I don’t give you enough.
Of everything.
But I love you. And I’m sorry if I can’t make you feel that.

diyaspora

isa lang ako sa dinadami-dami ng mga pilipinong nars na nag-hahangad na mag-ibang bansa para tustusan ang gastos sa bahay, pagkain, at matrikula ng mga kapatid. kasalukuyang akong nagrereview para sa aking NCLEX. hindi ko lubusang maisip kung bakit kailangang kong iwan ang aking lupang sinilangan para lang sa salapi ng mga kano.

sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga gusto ang nursing. nakatatak kasi sakin ang isang imahe na utusan lang ng doktor ang isang nars. gusto ko maging doktor, pero hindi kaya ng aking mga magulang ang matrikula. hindi ko naman sila masisi, pero may ga-hiblang poot at galit na natira sa puso ko.

“sana naging doktor na lang si mommy, para mayaman na kami at naging doktor din ako.”

“sana hindi nagloko si daddy, para hindi na sila naghiwalay.”

ngayon lisensyado na ko, hindi naman ako makatulong sa mga gastos sa bahay. masyadong matagal ang anim na buwan na walang sweldo, tapos hindi pa garantisadong matatanggap ka sa ospital na nag “volunteer” ka. ikaw na ang nagbayad, ikaw pa ang hahabol sa mga ospital. humalo ang kapitalismo sa ospital, wala na akong magagawa dun. pera pera na ang usapan.

alam ko na mahirap pumasok bilang isang nars sa ospital, mapa probinsya man o sa maynila. alam ko rin na hindi sapat ang sweldo ng isang nars para tustusan ang pangangailangan ng pamilya. kaya sinubok kong pumasok sa call center, at doon ko natanto na nasasayang ang ang inaral ko ng apat na taon, ang dugo at pawis ng aking mga magulang upang mapagtapos lang ako ng aking kurso. kaya ko ba naisipang maghanap ng trabaho sa ibang bansa? malamang oo.

naiisip ko rin ang takot na mag-isa lang ako sa isteyts. wala akong kasama, wala akong katulong, wala akong kaibigang matatakbuhan kung magkaproblema man ako. siyempre, ma-mi-miss ko rin ang buhay sa pinas lalong lalo na ang mga tao sa buhay ko. hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin lubusang kumalma ang isip ko. kahit anong pilit kong isipin na para sa pamilya ko to, may onting pag-tanggi pa rin akong nararamdaman. normal na siguro yun. ayoko rin naman kasing mabansagang sutil na anak. buong buhay ko, naging mabait akong anak. pero sana maintindihan din nila na mahirap kayang mawalay sa kinalakihan mong bahay, sa kinalakihang mong mga tao, sa kinalakihang mong mga kaibigan. sa madaling salita, mahirap. kakayanin ko ba? dapat lang, pero ewan ko, ayaw ko.

malapit lapit na at magiging kasapi na ko sa diyaspora.
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wow, i posted that? shiz.

deep river

Two mirrors faced one other,
with a sound they reflected the other.

When I meet someone who looks just like me,
I think i'll make that sound.

Both children and adults,
like seeing themselves in the mirror.

Entranced by one's own reflection,
if you forget that it's a mirror,
the silent space will overwhelm you.

And you'll remember the emptiness.

I'm a mirror.

I will not stretch out my hand to those who are stuck,
in places the light never shines.

Instead I'll try to stay with them,
then we'll see the same view.

I know that if you can empathize with someone's pain,
then the pain can turn into something good.

The sadness doesn't go away, nor does the world change.

But seeing the world within me turned upside down,
was most certainly a new sight.

Everyone is looking for someone who looks like them.

No matter how much you hate yourself,
you can love someone who looks like you.

There is no love in admiration nor adoration.

However...

The thing people will love the most in their life,
is the person who resembles them the most in the world.

Their child.

I am a child.

I believe I am on the right path,
so anything I cast aside or abandoned on the way,
I don't think of as sacrifices.

The sky closes its eyes.

conflict

You know that feeling?
when you're just waiting
waiting to get home, go to your room
close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you kept the whole day.
That feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you're tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone
to be there to tell you it's okay.
But no one's going to be there.
And you know you have to be strong
for yourself, because no one can fix you.
But you're tired of waiting.
Tired of having to be the one fixing yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And for once you just want it to be easy.
To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.
But you know you won't be.
But you're still hoping.
And you're still wishing.
And you're still staying strong and fighting,
with tears in your eyes.
You're fighting

browned and dog-eared love

i really love reading books and buying them is a kind of therapy for me. i love discovering new titles and authors. i was with my mom last Friday at a local mall. i immediately gravitated to the book sale, hoping to get a copy of Veronika Decides To Die by Paulo Coelho or Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. apparently, they only sell those books that haven't hit the bestseller status from their main store. we purchased a couple of books and decided to head home.

i immediately rummaged my old cabinet/library/bookshelf. i found out that there are a couple of my books that have been neglected due to my unbelievable schedules. Hope For The Flowers, The Tao Of Pooh, Sophie's World, Harry Potter series, Lord Of The Ring series, Alice In Wonderland, The Art Of War... the list could go on and on, but they were worn out and battered. even before the internet was a hit, i was reading those beloved books, some of which aren't even mine. i actually believe that they were my friends... but i forgot all about them. especially when they were the one's who kept me in check while growing up in a not so functional home.

i felt bad for being a terrible bookkeeper. how could i have forgotten my friends. they are now dilapidated and forlorn. my grandma could scold me if ever she sees the state of the books that she gave me before. being an OC that i am, i decided to dust them and keep them safe. i think i should let my nursing books start collecting dust instead of my "prized" possessions. (no offense to my nursing books, i love them too, but geez, i've been reading them for 4 years)

i think i'll give away some of my books too, they couldn't all fit inside the bookshelf anymore. too bad my sisters didn't inherit my grandma's and my mom's love for books. it's kinda sad seeing how my books are browned and dog-eared now, but it shows my love for books. call it signs of aging(?) and crap it would also show how much i aged/changed over the years.

p.s.: currently re-reading The Wind In The Willows. how i love my childhood!!! <3

flirtationship

“…more of a friendship, less of a relationship…”

honestly, does this even exist? kailangan ba hindi seryosohan? well, i don’t know about you, but i don’t like this idea at all. wanna know why?

i’m a jealous type of person. not physically but emotionally. hindi kita kailangan na nandyan parati, pero if i call you out, you should be there. but i guess you’ll never understand. we didn’t set the rules of our “flirtationship”

i want something concrete, not fluid. the sense of security eases my heart that i know you’ll be there. whoever created flirtationship should get killed or shot at.

and remember this, i’m the guy who can speak in italics. you’ll never find someone like me.

*mogu mogu!

typography

i stopped breathing for a second

Filipino Nurses aren't just "Glorified Yayas"

i hate it when some of my fellow countrymen brand nurses as "glorified yaya's." honestly, we studied for 4 years hoping that someday we will get employed at some prestigious health institution. but apparently the demand for nurses suddenly rose, almost everyone had the urge to take up nursing. it came to a point where a new grad had to scowl the whole archipelago searching for a decent hospital to practice his/her profession. to put it simply, there was an overflow of nurses.

why did i take up nursing in the first place? because, as far as i can remember, when you get your license, its your ticket to a greener pasture. nice vision, eh? but in reality there are a ton of hurdles before you can even go abroad to work. that's why a lot of filipino nurses have to stay in the locale.

i chose to stay here for now because:

1. "You need at least 2 years experience to even leave the country." - apparently this notion has been debunked. the government just wants us to stay for us to help the government institutions, either as volunteers or staff nurses.
2. "You need to have 'backers' or an agency to help you with your employment." - technically true, but yeah most of us really need to use ourPadrinos to get hired locally or abroad.

i stayed here because i have to pass my NCLEX before i can practice my profession in Chicago(yes, im actually preparing for it, Thank God!). and because i couldn't leave immediately eventhough i am a licensed professional already.

so what happens to the nurses here? simple, they either try to pursue their career here or get sidetracked. i was fortunate enough to get sidetracked, because i saw the evil side of the hospital setting. lets just call it "politics and capitalism."

• you have to pay for your training/volunteerism - WTF? since when did that policy got published and implemented? i won't get paid for working, and i also have to pay the hospital? WOW, talk about capitalism here.
• after your training/volunteerism, you are still going to be on the waiting list for regularization. - so the 6 months training and bullcrap doesn't really count for anything. why the hell should i waste 6 months for nothing?
• some hospitals abroad don't recognize volunteerism as job-related working experience. - GREAT, ill just stay at home and blog(?) or be a bum.

so there, i was stayed. i got employed at the biggest of biggest of "contact centers," got money and gave it to my parents. i stopped working due to my deteriorating health condition, but yeah i got a huge sum of money, of which i gave everything to my mom to help with the finances at home.

then i heard someone say "Naku nag-nursing ka pa, eh wala ka namang ginawa kundi maglinis ng bahay. Buti pa katulong, nakakapag abroad as OFW's."

i seriously wanted to kill that person right then and there. i am a freaking professional, at the end of the day, i can still say to your face that "Hey, i'm a licensed professional, got problems with that? You don't even know what kind of hell us nurses are going through, would you like me to enumerate everything?" And at the end of the day, when you guys get sick, it's us who take care of you. Doctors find cure patients, us nurses take care of patients. There's a big difference between just curing and caring.

i'm not just a "Glorified Yaya." i'm sorry, i won't accept that. WE are not just "Glorified Yayas" to be exact.

*sorry, i just got really pissed off at that person. had to vent out.

developmental milestones.

its kinda amusing to see how people crash and burn when it comes to the matters of the heart, but experiencing it first hand is not necessarily nice too. so many questions, too little answers. everything is a puzzle...

no matter how hard we prepared for it, how we meticulously gathered information about it, it always catches us off-guard. it always has been that way, i just don't know about the other "couples" out there. i hate to admit it, but i get seriously jealous over those uberly sweet couples. i mean, c'mon, do you guys really have to show off in public? its sickeningly sweet, but i still get envious of them.

i thought i fell in-love with someone these past few months, but i guess i just fell in-love inside my head. its hard to make someone fall for you if they really don't like to be in-love in the first place. and yes, no matter how hard you try, you'll always get pushed to the periphery, cause for them, you're not special. i don't know what got into me but i thought everything was gonna change according to my well thought-out plan. heck i even squeeze in some random thoughts about what my next date will be in my brown Starbucks planner.

i'm at that part of my life where its; intimacy vs. isolation (Goddamn you Erik Erikson!). do i really need someone for me to be ok? i have been living my life for 22 freaking years, alone, happy and content. did i just want to fall in-love just for the laughs of it? i'm pretty sure i'm not in it for nothing. i'm also not afraid of falling into a bottomless abyss, it was my fault in the first place, no one else to blame, right? do i even have the right to be with someone? after that pseudo flirtationship with platonic, i'm still clueless.

i have no right to judge people, i have no basis, no exact evidence to cite. such complexities aren't tackled in the classroom. if only the matters of love was written in a textbook, i could have read it, re-read it over and over again. there are no rules in love, no exact formula, no disambiguated concepts. each and every phenomenon of it is quite different from each other. so i beg to disagree to those people who claim to be "experts" in love; more like saying "hey, trust me, it works for only $9.95." i could go on and on, but the point is, there's no way you can explain love. and why do i still keep posting about it?!


logic is more tangible, how i wish i could apply all my learned theories to love. speaking of which, my 2nd episode is still not done. hopefully i can get enough inspiration to work with it and post it.

*goes back to the recluse shelf, looking for a good read.

i gave up, finally.

i wanted it to be quick and painless, but there’s no such thing as painless, right? so there, i wanted to talk to “platonic” and talk about what i was feeling these past few days. we got to talk eventually, but then i ended the conversation with:

“Can we not speak anymore? I got tired of waiting, and i felt neglected. Was this all a joke to you? Congratulations, you got me. You got me so bad that I almost died.”

so there, i’m off the hook. quick and painless, but not really. a joke it was, and a joke it will always be. i guess i just fell off the wrong cliff, and survived miraculously. oh well, i may have been living on this earth for 22 years, but i still have to learn a lot. such a painful way to learn isn’t it?

anyways, im on my wits end again, this time devoid of love and affection. thank you for painting my life with the palette of chaos. Saranghaeyo, jeongmal.