伴都美子 (Van Tomiko) - Hold Me

"I love you." -- the confession I've set free
Takes on the colours of our own private game...
I look down and bite my lip mischievously --
Light and shadows dance in the starry sky.

When I'm Small

I love being small. Being incognito, you have some margin of error in whatever you do. I fit in places that people can't reach. I can actually reach out and do more when I'm small.

********

I applied as a Junior Copywriter for a web advertising company. They were surprised that I was a nurse and yet I had the audacity to apply and champion myself for the position. My writing "inexperience" was really the icing to the cake.

 I have been blogging for over 7 years and I already have the feel of having some readership.  I know it's not a lot right now, but it helps. And they were probably surprised that I can write my ass off. So yes, I'm starting small again.

They were also surprised that I did freelance writing for websites as well. I told them how bad the compensation was and their eyes lit up in an instant. Hook, line and sinker? Probably. I'll have to wait for their call on Monday.

********

After my interview, I went out with a slutty friend in Ortigas. He was telling me how he was sexually depraved and was asking for my help and flirting prowess(?) which apparently, I don't even know I have. He  was actually seeing someone but while they were doing it inside the motel, the guy saw a girl ghost while he was thrusting away(TMI!!!!) and didn't climax. My friend, in turn, didn't get a good oomphing as well. He was disappointed big time. Third Eye (the-guy-that-doesn't-come, figuratively) started to clam up on my Slut Friend after the untoward incident.

Damn it. LOL.

And then I enter the scene.

So we were trying to plan our attack. I had this gay dating app on my phone. He has one too. So what we did was we flaunted my profile. My profile was a killer, I had 5 guys asking for a booty call in a span of 30 minutes after going online. My ego was as big as the Empire State when I got pinged multiple times. Oh dear, I have unleashed something vicious and carnal. My hunting instincts went back and the usual conversation goes like this...

victim: Hey.
me: Yo, whats up pal?
victim: You up for some fun?
me: Yeah sure. I have someone though. Mind if we all get along and play nice? ;)
victim: Teka gwapo ba?
me: Oo. Kasing gwapo ko.
(i ask my friend to send his pics to the victim)
victim: Nyay, panget eh. Hahaha! Kilala ko na yan, hindi ko nga nirereplyan eh. Yaw ko. Kaw na lang. Punta ka dito sa *ksdfhjgsdjfsjdf*
me: Nah nevermind. Thanks.

I turn to my friend and he was fuming.

"Putanginang mga panget yan ayaw magsi-reply, eh mas maganda kutis ko sa kanila eh!!! Kala mo kung sinong gwapo..."

Well, honestly I didn't know what to say. My friend looks like me. He has a very smooth skin, pale and androgynous as me. He has kpop hair as well. He's an inch shorter than me, that makes him like 5'10'' and we really look like twins. He's smart and he knows stuff I don't. He is fucking rich as well. (So if any of you guys wanna "do" him a favor, just let me know. LOL) He is still studying though and he is asking me for help with his thesis.

Then I felt pity for my Slut Friend. We kinda stopped doing our plan after that, cause it backfired. I mean he doesn't have to resort to this kind of debasement. I just advised him that he has to wait for Third Eye. Third Eye promised him a "second wind" sort to speak. So I just told him that he doesn't have to scratch the itch right now and wait for Third Eye to come(no pun intended) around. I told him that: "If it's gonna be Third Eye, then things will happen by themselves. There is hope, hold on to it for a little longer." *insert a long deep sigh*

He is a sweet kid, but yeah, raging whoremones. And he also has a bruised ego. I seem to have taken a young padawan under my wise tutelage.

Oh god...

********

I don't know but I get through stuff and shit when I'm incognito. That feeling of having no expectations on you makes me feel confident and braver.

And my ego auto-deflates itself. So no need to worry. Little Nikki has no problems with his ego.

I can't publish this on my tumblr since my future bosses will be checking on my blog on a regular basis. I was even proud of my blog. Now I can't be all sweary and informal. Fuckity...

Monsoon

Strangely, I just love the atmosphere after a heavy downpour. 

So crisp and clean, yet so wistful and somber. 

The muted grays and whites and opalescent blues melting together, put me into an eerie trance-like ambedo.

There's that slight chill which is always welcome, it bites through my skin.

It’s like the whole world has taken a bath with me.

Adept

So, I haven't updated my blog in such a long time and a lot has happened these past few months.

First of, I am really really busy with work. My sched is quite toxic. Have to juggle responsibilities; as the ambitious son of a bitch that I am, my slowly decaying social life, and the best boyfriend ever. Apparently, some of my new found friends from work had gotten their End Of Contracts and next week I'll be deployed to a new team. A lot of movement has occurred these past 2 months and I'm getting dizzy. Besides the fact that my new team works on a graveyard shift (which I know will trigger my migraine and vertigo), the bulk of the calls that come in are the highest at that point. So may the odds be ever in my favor.

Second, my mom wants me to enroll for my MA. I really don't know if I could handle it right now, I am in such a volatile and aggressive working environment and I find myself heavy footed. I'm still trying to adapt to all these fast changes.

 ***I just celebrated my 1st year with P. YAY!

My (Proposed) List of PUJ Etiquette

For Drivers:

• Wag sana parahan lahat ng tao sa tabi ng kalsada lalo na’t pag alas sais ng umaga o gabi.If its already rush hour, try to rush. People will fight for their lives just to ride inside one. The concept is to rush to go home or get to work, but Manong Drivers like to dilly dally for their boundary. It defeats the purpose of rush hour. I swear, they’ll get their boundary when its already rush hour. It’s like The Hunger Games’ Cornucopia. 
• Please, do not smoke while driving. The passengers do not like to have burnt cigarette blown to their faces… especially me. 
• Try to take a shower before doing your pasada. Nuff’ said.

For Passengers:

• Girls, please wear a headband or tie your hair in a ponytail. We get that your hair is beautiful, long and soft, but we do not appreciate it smacking our faces or worse, eating it. Kay? 
• Again, for everyone, please take a bath before you decide to ride a jeep. To put emphasis on that; Construction Workers. 
• I think that people with disabilities, elderly and children should ride with someone else to assist them. The wildlife inside the jeep are diverse and some of the passengers are like sloths. They don’t even budge an inch just to let other people sit. 
• Dear guys-who-think-they-have-big-dicks, please, don’t spread your legs as if you own the damned jeep. Other people like to sit comfortably(like me who is a human giraffe) and a little compromise wouldn’t hurt. Oh woops, your ego got bruised? 
• Try not to intentionally trip the person going in/getting out of the jeep.Been there, done that. Wa poise tsong. 
• Do not put your cellphones on speakerphone. I’m sorry but we’re not interested in hearing your convo’s filled with sexual innuendos. The streets of Metro Manila are filled with all kinds of “denizens” and we do not want to attract the ones wielding knives and guns. And please stop calling Dudung your “bave,” ate. 
• I think everyone should say thank you to the person who helped you pass your fare to Manong Driver. Manners people, we still have them. Being in a jeep doesn’t automatically remove your morals now, isn’t it? 
• If it’s raining, don’t flourish your umbrella like its a sword. Ano, aso lang? Winagayway para mambasa. 

In any case, this is just a list my observations. These are just of some the things that I hate about riding a PUJ. I know that it looks like a little too snooty, but in other countries, they really have ‘em. And a little breeding and class doesn’t hurt.

Feel free to add more. :))

The Archons

“We all get hurt.”

Sometimes, it is what we need to learn from mistakes. Although, for us to learn, we need to realize why we got hurt and how we can avoid it next time. It’s already bad as it is to get hurt, but to actually admit the truth that we did something stupid, is even worse. Yes? And somehow, when we finally absorb the whole immensity of the situation, that’s when we find resolution and end our misery.

It takes maturity and wisdom to accept things that are and that are not. Frankly, I like how my friends are maturing now at different paces. It’s gratifying to see that we are headed somewhere good.

And sometimes, getting hurt is one of our most epiphanic moments. It gives clarity to the chaos that is inside. Of course, our way of epiphany needs a little dousing of alcohol. Golden moments.

It was my dream to be with people who I can grow with, be crazy with, be stupid with. It's finally come true. It just amazes me how much we have changed in a span of few months. It just makes me all the more rooted with them. 

Oh now I believe we should be transcending the humani ways of learning.

What He Is Not

Like Johnny Depp, he smells of intrigue and Marlboro Reds. He talks about German expressionism films with much gusto during our evening tea. He listens to Liszt and The Smiths at the same time. He quotes Karl Lagerfeld in one of his speeches. He cites Blair Waldorf at my wicked ways.

Such ideals for tiny little being like me.

I often thought having a boyfriend would be all that. But it's not. Surprisingly, I still love my boyfriend for what he is and what he is not. We may have fights and shit storms, but it just makes us stronger.

My dear Panini, you are such an idiot sometimes, but I cannot seem to hate you even if you made me cry. You are the only one person who can break a person like me who is dead inside.

I'll miss you when I start work.

Love,
Chowder