halcyonic days

this next couple of days will be much stress free, i hope. i need to take a break from studying for a bit so that i can make sure i won't die while i'm taking my exam. i might not be active in any of my blogs, although i'm very much active on twitter and facebook. LMAO!

i'll try my best to not be distracted anymore, and if that means that i have to stop blogging incessantly, then *poof!* no more nikki. i'll try my best not to have "cardiac" problems for now, but who knows. i bet no one knows what singelringen is, and yes, i'm wearing one right now. tee hee.

one of my biggest fears is opening up to random people, where they can judge me and i've got nowhere to hide. its my safety blanket, but i'll take my best friend's advice to not be myself, even just for a day, and maybe i can see things in a new perspective. i am terrified of getting hurt(again) but i need to get over this really soon. i'm repulsive, i know... *slash wrist*

but yeah, things are looking much brighter now, because my review classes are gonna be over soon. wish me luck!

"the dog days are over, the dog days are done. the horses are coming, so you better run!"

Dido - White Flag

"i've caused nothing but trouble, i understand if you can't talk to me again. and if you live by the rules of its over, well im sure that that makes sense."

:)

date a girl who eats

by Bianca Consunji

Date a girl who eats. Date a girl who dares to order a steak instead of slowly picking at salad leaves dressed with vinaigrette on the first date. She is the girl who knows what’s good on the menu, and knows that carbonara is often ordered by the bland brigade of people who don’t know any better.

Take her to a steak restaurant; make sure that you order your steak medium rare and not well done, because she knows that only barbarians order well done. Steak, medium rare, is the best way to identify good meat from the mediocre. She skips the Hollandaise and tucks in, stopping only for a bite of potatoes in between. The girl who eats doesn’t beat around the bush: she knows that steaks that require sauce are insecure.

Date her because that’s the same way she likes guys: substantial, and real. You won’t need to impress her with fancy restaurants, because the girl who eats has been to roadside eateries that serve food that’s just as good—or even better—than stuffy establishments. Knock down a stick of barbecue and a good, cold beer with her (as long as you don’t ice it down to a watery mess).

When you’re with the girl who eats, you won’t have to worry if there’s a fried chicken grease spot on your shirt, or if there’s ketchup on your cheek. She’ll understand—she’s been there. Maybe as a joke she’ll smear cake icing on the tip of your nose and kiss it off.

Date a girl who eats because she’ll take care of you. She’ll feed you chicken soup when you’re sick, and bake cookies on lazy weekends. A girl who eats isn’t afraid of adventure, and is constantly in search of new things to try: fried milk, chocolate bacon, tequila-flavored ice cream.

The girl who eats will go all over the world in search of the perfect meal, but knows that often, the best things are the ones closest to home. She will keep coming back to the basics: a bowl of steaming rice topped with her mom’s beef stew, flavored with onions and pepper; her grandmother’s soup, the result of hours of stirring in the kitchen. Her dad’s grilled cheese sandwiches, done in five minutes, but no less impressive.

Maybe one day, while the two of you share a slice of cake, she’ll realize that you’ve occupied a permanent place in her heart in the same way the stews and soups from home have, and she won’t have to go around the world in search of the perfect meal. Because anything you make for her at that point is the perfect meal, even if you char the steak and forget to salt the potatoes.

empty

i miss talking to you. i miss confiding my deepest darkest secrets with you. i miss how you would just laugh at them. i miss how you’d try to tell your secrets too, just so we can continue our conversations. i miss everything that you told me to do, but of course, i didn’t pay attention. i was busy listening to our laughter. i miss how we’d stay up all night; talking, laughing, chatting, trying to cheer each other up. i miss how we’d watch youtube videos together. i miss how you’d call me on the phone and try to seduce me, it almost kinda worked. i miss how i can be so informal when talking to you, its as if the distance wasn’t existent. i miss everything about that, but seeing that everything is where is at right now, i’ll just be happy with missing you.

i miss you.

i like you.

i loved, yes, i loved you.

ambivalence

I love someone and I'm that stupid, because not even a hug I get from my beloved; just distant smiles.

i did a quick survey on my tumblr earlier. i tried to ask my followers about how and what they feel about love. i got that particular line. voila! it seemed very relevant to me personally.

i also asked my sensei about being stupid when you're in-love. he replied this statement a long time ago:

it's okay, we tend to be stupid in love sometimes. we get hurt, but we learn and move on.

so are we really sacrificing our rational thinking when we are in-love? isn't it supposed to be "the head comes before the heart?"

one of my review-mates also had the same predicament. she's very much in-love with someone, but her parents does not approve of the kid. they're a typical chinese family, and whatever the father says, its the law. so she tried to hide their love affair, but the boy's ex-girlfriend tried to ruin everything. she was texting my friend's parents about her current love affair. my friend's parents got terribly mad at her. they took her cellphone, her laptop and they were not giving her any allowance. they also sticked the poor girl when they found out, to think that my friend was already 21 years of age. i felt bad for her and i thought i needed to intervene.

• N: Is he really worth the sacrifices you are making right now?
• L: Ewan ko, mahal ko eh.
• N: Mahal mo nga pero tignan mo nangyayari sa'yo
• L: I know, but I can't help it. Mahal ko eh... Ngayon pa ba ako bibitaw eh na-sacrifice ko na lahat.
• N: What about your future then? Papayag ka na maging ganyan ka lang?
• L: Hinde, pero... basta.
• N: Tignan mo, hindi ka mapasok sa review natin dahil hindi ka binibigyan ng baon. Pano na ang USRN license mo?
• L: Oo alam ko. Matalino naman tayo eh.
• N: Maski na, mabuti nang sigurado. Tsaka pag punta naman natin sa states, freedom na katumbas nun.
• L: Ganun?
• N: Eh kung makipag-break ka na kaya? Para mas madali ang buhay...
• L: Pwede, kaso pano pag after 10 years may iba na siya?
• N: Eh di ibig sabihin hindi kayo para sa isa't isa. Kasi kung mahal ka nya mage-effort din siya. Para naman maipaglaban mo at maipagmalaki mo siya sa parents mo. Kung hindi siya payag, eh di wag. I think you deserve better and there are alot of way better guys out there. We're still young, we can still take our time, diba? (no offense to the guy, but he's not cute or anything. he has a great bod though.)
• L: You know what, you're right. I think I really should be friends with you. Napaka goal-oriented mo. Haha.
• N: Not all the time, practical lang. I myself want to have someone, pero malabo friend eh. I know where I'm going, bawal madistract. Marami akong responsibilities na dapat pang tugunan.
• L: Sus, ako rin naman eh. I just wanted to be happy. Pero kung family na ang usapan, kaya kong i-sacrifice lahat.
• N: Eh yun naman pala eh! Ba't ka pa nagrebelde. Sakit mo sa ulo.
• L: Eh kasi for 21 years, over-achiever ako sa school. Lahat ng gusto ng parents ko sinusunod ko. Hindi ba pwede maging masaya, kahit si D lang?
• N: Wala tayong magagawa dyan, ayaw nila eh. Tignan mo ikaw ang napagbuntunan. Ikaw ang naghihirap, hindi mo naman kelangan mag hirap nang ganyan.
• L: Eh mahal ko nga si D eh, epal lang to si H. Nagtetext pa kay daddy. Ayaw tuloy akong paniwalaan ni daddy.
• N: Pabayaan mo na nga sila. Magsama sila. Bitter yang H na yan. Bagay naman sila eh, hindi sila maganda o pogi. Muka silang iskwater no?! (sorry for the bitching out)
• L: Ang sama mo!!! Hahahaha!
• N: I'm just stating the truth! We look way way better than them. We deserve the best. We're smart, tall and we have looks naman. (well, she's 5'9'' and i'm 5'11'' and we're both aspiring models, beat that!)
• L: Alam mo, friend na kita forever!!! Hahaha! Ikaw na ang mentor ko!
• N: Haha, siyempre. Naging ganyan din ako no. Tanga tanga lang.

i'm not really sure if what i did was right. i was just trying to be rational about it. but yeah, why is it so hard to give up your happiness when you know it's not doing you good? talaga bang masarap ang bawal? she was freaking tortured, but she held on to that guy.

to fall in-love is not easy, especially when its complicated. i would like to kick those writers, in the ass, who make love stories, the kind where everyone swoons. i'm sorry but i finally gave up on romanticism. those who swoon over romeo and juliet, screw them. they both ended dead in the ending, not my idea of a happy ending!

i don't know where to stand on this balance anymore. a part of me secretly yearns for that warm, fuzzy feeling of romance and a part of me wants to be practical and rational. ambivalent much?

masochistic tendencies

i was chatting with a friend today. she seemed a bit anxious about something. i asked her to PM me on FB.

• J: Hahaha.. Nothing much.. Puyat lang super.. Mga 6am na ko nakauwi.. Tapos yun hour nap lang then nagising na agad ako.. Asar.. Partida na lasing pa ko ah.. Kaya antok na antok katawan ko pero utak ko ayaw papigil.. Hahaha 
• N: kasi may iniisip ka na naman.
• J: Meron actually.. Hahaha.. Lagi naman.. Masyado kasi analytic kaibigan mo.. Hahaha..
• N: parehas tayo. kaya nga tayo friends diba? :))
• J: Yes.. Hahaha.. Alam mo yun simple lang naman ang buhay yes or no, black or white pero bakit may maybe tapos may gray pa.. Pampagulo eh..
• N: pero i love all the gray areas din eh. ewan ko ba. ang weird natin...
• J: True.. Gray areas makes it challenging kasi.. Haha
• N: kaya nga eh. gustong gusto talaga natin ung pinahihirapan natin ang mga sarili natin... how weird are we diba? haha.
• J: Masochist tayo.. Hahaha.. Kidding.. We just want challenges.. Ayaw natin ng routine.. Hehehe

that last statement was epic. i'm just not sure if i really want to get hurt on purpose or i just want something challenging. am i over analyzing things again?

kablam!

i went to a go-see earlier. it was for an event with L’oreal. they were supposed to get 6 male models at least 5’10” in height(i am freaking 5’11” so i am quite qualified.) i got to the venue, signed up at the registry, and sat and waited for 2 hours. the event organizers, the stylists and the hairstylists all went out, after quite some time and said that they weren’t expecting anymore male models to come and have a go-see. the head designer actually hired models from PMAP already, so apparently there was no need for us to be there anymore.

you know that feeling that you made an effort to look extra good and wait patiently in line just to get booked for a project and then they just tell you that they’ve already hired someone. crap, right? well there, another opportunity gone.

it’s hard being a newbie to everything, but i give everything my best shot. i want to excel in whatever stuff that i do, but there are just these situations that make me want to give up on everything. i don’t take rejection pretty well, because i know i’ve worked hard on it, but yeah, who cares. there are alot of things for me to focus on, and modeling is not one of them. deep inside, i yearn for it, but for practicality’s sake, i should give up.

anywho, there are still more opportunities to come(i hope!!!) i’ll just keep on doing what i’m doing and be on my way. 

*i cheated today. i ate alot of pasta and buko pandan, just to cajole me out of my misery. teehee. must not get fat, or else no more modeling shiznits.