i remember back in grade school, i was the kid who always got bullied by bigger kids. i was fat, wimpy and i never liked making friends with other kids. i was happy playing with my pencil case which had batman in it. i also remember their remarks that i am quite "different" from the other boys in my classroom. i never wondered about it because i really don't care what they think about me. it never came to my mind that they thought that i was gay, that was probably the reason why i was bullied before. i was never even flamboyant nor showed signs before, they just knew. they also knew how to make my life hell before. they have that keen sense to hit me where it hurts the most.
it was torture, but i had no one to tell it to. i just had to tough it all out. i admit that i've cried a ton of times, but i just had to let it all pass.
i got good friends when i got into high school. they're the one's who've accepted me as i am, they don't even ask why am i like this. i feel more comfortable when i am not judged for being just who i am. i think they know that i am in fact gay, they just didn't wanna bring it up i guess. i am forever grateful to find people who understand me and didn't force their ideals and beliefs on me.
but then, as i begin to accept the fact that i am different, i began to wonder if its normal to just sublimate everything and go back to being "normal" again. i was scared of the stigma and those eyes that pry. being in a catholic and in an exclusive-for-boys school, being gay was not an option. it was an abomination, that was what was taught. i started to be hard on myself, i started to resist. i had to find that sense of normalcy again. i had to do what's "right" and stop doing what i "want."
i am in limbo, stuck in between what's right and what i want; to do what's right i have to sacrifice my own happiness or to do what i want means to sacrifice my reputation and the respect for being the good son, an over achiever and the role model. as of the moment, i'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness just for the sake of what's right. i just don't know if i can endure being in limbo anymore. i seem to get stuck to doing what's right that i forgot about what i want anymore and it's eating me inside.
why am i writing about this now? i am not entirely sure either. i could just come out, but it's not as simple as that. i'll lose everything that i've achieved and worked hard for. i'm also doubting if i should post this right now. being in a society where reputation precedes the real person, i find it silly to come out just to stop being questioned about my sexuality. i wanna come out when i am sure that i am willing to sacrifice everything just to be happy and honestly, i want to. if i die tomorrow, at least people know now.
i was crying while i wrote this, and this has been in my drafts for far too long. i don't care about being judged anymore, just like how i didn't care before. i'll just go back to playing with my batman pencil case.