lights, camera, action.

I just found out that one of my new found friends like me.

I didn't know what to react because I wasn't expecting him to like me. He is mean and he loves to bully me around. To me that wasn't flirting at all. I usually get humiliated in front of people when he puts me on the spot and I hate being humiliated.

He has a boyfriend, the kind that doesn't fulfill the so-called 'boyfriend duties.' He told me that he was already making a move, I told him that I don't get him. Why me?

I'm not sure if I should believe him or shit, but all I know that he is an actor in real life. In the back of my mind, I cannot tell whether he's just acting out impulse or he was toying with me. First of all, I don't like being in complicated things. My life as it is, is full of complications and conflicts. Also, I don't really like him. He just negates every statement that I make when we hang out with our group. He is my anti-thesis, my blight to my existence. Then, he is also very touchy, even in public; I'm sorry but that isn't my cup of tea either. He can beat the living daylights out of me. So, definitely I don't really see myself being with him.

The problem though is that, I don't like him as a boyfriend and I just want him as a friend and I told him that. When he tries to make a move, I just act cold. I wonder if he gets that. It's kinda funny how I turn out to be an actor too and I don't know if I can keep it up. I'm pretty sure one day, I'll just tell him to fuck off. That's how mean I can be.

hi, i'm chuck *giggles*

remember chuck from the coffee shop? well, i met up with him. this time, it was in a bar. he was with his friend and so was i. he drank a couple of beers i drank my frozen montezuma. things we're going along really well. do i like him? sort of.

he's from UP-D also. he's about 27 years old and he's a graduate of engineering. smart. i get the feeling that i tend to gravitate to people from UP-D. i really don't know, but i attract people from that school and i get attracted to them too.

he's about to take his engineering license this september. i wonder what will happen. he said he fancies me and i do fancy him too. im just not too sure about the age gap thingy. i tend to be a child at different points in my life. it might not be to his liking. we're still getting to know each other. who knows, maybe this time it will be different. i'm not hoping for anything, i just want something real and something uncomplicated. i really think that people find my awkwardness adorable. they tend to treat me like a child. maybe i am and i'm not gonna change that.

subtle changes are happening in my life ever since that epic post. people from tumblr have been asking me out, to think that they're younger than me. oh well, when it rains, it pours, and i'm loving every bit of it.

yes, i am... gay.

i remember back in grade school, i was the kid who always got bullied by bigger kids. i was fat, wimpy and i never liked making friends with other kids. i was happy playing with my pencil case which had batman in it. i also remember their remarks that i am quite "different" from the other boys in my classroom. i never wondered about it because i really don't care what they think about me. it never came to my mind that they thought that i was gay, that was probably the reason why i was bullied before. i was never even flamboyant nor showed signs before, they just knew. they also knew how to make my life hell before. they have that keen sense to hit me where it hurts the most.

it was torture, but i had no one to tell it to. i just had to tough it all out. i admit that i've cried a ton of times, but i just had to let it all pass.

i got good friends when i got into high school. they're the one's who've accepted me as i am, they don't even ask why am i like this. i feel more comfortable when i am not judged for being just who i am. i think they know that i am in fact gay, they just didn't wanna bring it up i guess. i am forever grateful to find people who understand me and didn't force their ideals and beliefs on me.

but then, as i begin to accept the fact that i am different, i began to wonder if its normal to just sublimate everything and go back to being "normal" again. i was scared of the stigma and those eyes that pry. being in a catholic and in an exclusive-for-boys school, being gay was not an option. it was an abomination, that was what was taught. i started to be hard on myself, i started to resist. i had to find that sense of normalcy again. i had to do what's "right" and stop doing what i "want."

i am in limbo, stuck in between what's right and what i want; to do what's right i have to sacrifice my own happiness or to do what i want means to sacrifice my reputation and the respect for being the good son, an over achiever and the role model. as of the moment, i'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness just for the sake of what's right. i just don't know if i can endure being in limbo anymore. i seem to get stuck to doing what's right that i forgot about what i want anymore and it's eating me inside.

why am i writing about this now? i am not entirely sure either. i could just come out, but it's not as simple as that. i'll lose everything that i've achieved and worked hard for. i'm also doubting if i should post this right now. being in a society where reputation precedes the real person, i find it silly to come out just to stop being questioned about my sexuality. i wanna come out when i am sure that i am willing to sacrifice everything just to be happy and honestly, i want to. if i die tomorrow, at least people know now.

i was crying while i wrote this, and this has been in my drafts for far too long. i don't care about being judged anymore, just like how i didn't care before. i'll just go back to playing with my batman pencil case.

Midnight Circus

i've been to different night clubs before, but this one is different. there are no girls in sight except for my friend. then it struck me that this was a gay night club. i wanted to kill them right then and there but they paid for my entrance so it would be rude to storm off. i was with my friends anyways, they'll take care of me, i hoped.

i never thought that this circus is such a bore. flirting with danger and filled with mystery, the people are quite exotic for my taste. these people are very quick, they can sense if you are new and they'll pounce. luckily, i've got friends that shield me from them. the smell of cigarettes wafting through the air, propelled by the air conditioning unit, is not pleasant at all. the floor is sticky and covered with dirt and grime. seeing guys gyrating against each other, waiters getting groped, was it worth the wait to get inside of this hip, savvy, groovy bar? i'm not so sure.

my friends ordered a couple of bottles of beer. that bitter and awful taste is so familiar that it doesn't even make them cringe anymore. we started laughing and telling our "war stories" to each other. my story pales in comparison to theirs that i just stopped talking and just started listening. when the bucket was empty, we headed into the middle of the pulsating mass of people. i see eyes that pierce right through me, i dared not to make any eye contact with them. i wanted to be with my friends and not to give them my number. i can actually blame them because they are the one's who took me to this circus. the lions are pretty much on the lose and i happen to be the piece of meat that they have been sniffing around. i needed to get out alive.

and then the music kicked in and i was dancing my heart out. i don't care if they hate me or they'd want to fuck me, i was there to dance and enjoy my night. a lonely kid yearning for love, i found comfort in dancing and booze, even the in simple joy of eating nutella alone.

i found myself dancing to the sad tango alone, yet again. i'm slowly but surely losing my luster, the life of a bum is tarnishing me. i'm pretty sure i'll disappear completely, taken over by the music of the midnight circus. it goes round and round and round, where it stops? nobody knows.

Care Givers (Care Divas)

Last friday night, i got 2 complimentary tickets for Care Divas, since i have connections to PETA now. So i grabbed one of my friends to go and watch with me. It was my first time seeing a play in PETA theater, i was really excited. We got in a bit late though, we didn't see the grand opening of the play. We sat at the VIP box, of course. Haha.

So yeah, the play was about 5 gay Filipino Caregivers who met and worked in Israel. They're not only caregivers but they sometimes do production numbers and shows in bars and clubs dressed as women. Their group was named as "The Nightingales" because the inspiration was Florence Nightingale. It came to a point where one of their members was laid-off and became an illegal alien, much like a TNT. Anyways, im not gonna write the whole plot of the play since i would be a big spoiler.

So yeah, the whole play revolved about the lives of those guys. Tackled about the whole reason why Pinoys choose to be OFW's and how hard life is when you're a thousand miles away from home. It was hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. I find it relevant because i'm a nurse and pretty soon i'll be leaving Philippines too. Oh well, i'm pretty much sure that i won't be performing like them nor dress like them. But i find it funny that they are more accepted in Israel than in the Philippines. Tsk.

Voyeur

i usually go out with my friends, i seldom meet-up with people i don't really know. we hang out at nearby coffee shops and pubs.

so we went inside the coffee shop, got our drinks and got seats upstairs where we can be noisy and crazy. we were getting comfy and laughing, but there was this weird fella who went up alone. he sat at the table next to us. we didn't mind him at first, but we kept on surfing the net, eating, and drinking. this weird guy was taking glances at us. i don't know if it was me or if it was my friend who he was eyeing.

we stayed there for about 3 hours and the guy also did, still covertly taking glances at us. i decided to confirm my gut feeling. i asked V to go outside for a bit. V is one of my best friends from college, we reviewed for our NLE together and heck, we even do photo shoots together. she's a pretty gal, but not so bright, i still love her though. so we went down, we whispered just in case the creeper might have followed us.

N: "V, nakikita mo ba yung guy sa tabi natin? kanina pa siya tingin ng tingin."

V: "ha? oo. kanina pa. ano ba problema?"

N: "hindi ka ba natatakot? hindi naman natin siya kilala eh, kung maka tingin parang walang bukas."

V: "haha, ayaw mo nun? gusto ka ata eh."

N: "gaga kang babae ka, lalaki yun, pano magkakagusto sakin yun? ikaw yung tinitignan no."

V: "eh di dapat tinitigan ko din. nahuhuli ko kaya sayo nakatingin. gwapo naman siya ah."

my hunches were right and i couldn't reply anything. ninerbyos na naman ako.

N: "naman eh, kelangan i-emphasize na gwapo? eh tignan mo, nakakatakot, mukang stalker."

V: "sige ayaw mo? ako lalapit dun at magtatanong. akin na lang yun, muka pa namang Bi."

N: "sige, pag yan killer, mababalitaan na lang kitang naitak yung leeg sa TV."

V: "gago! napaka-praning mo. hindi lahat ng tao masama ang intensyon okay?"

N: "haha, sigurista lang kasi beb. umakyat na tayo, baka bumaba si loko. kunin ko lang yung netbook ko tpos CR lang ako."

V: "sige ako rin, naii-ihi na ko."

we both went up, V got her bag and went for the little lady's room, i packed my netbook and went to the little boy's room. when i went out to wash my hands, he was in the front of the sink. FUCK!

"uh excuse me, can i use the sink for a while?"

he smiled back and said, "yeah sure! here you go." i just smiled back and washed my hands.

"my name's Chuck by the way."

"oh, well my name's Nik."

"your friend is really pretty. are you guys going out?"

"...uh no."

"oh that's good to hear then! see you around Nik!" he went off and was never to be seen again.

my heart skipped a beat. i was panicking, i just had enough control over my sympathetic nervous system that i didn't tremble. i guess V was right then. DAMN! who knew? i really have no idea about flirting. like i've said, i'm a tuod i never let my shields down. i think i failed big time.

the guy looked very filipino. he had big brown eyes, a prominent jaw line and he was about 5'8'' in height. not my cup of tea, but definitely piqued my interest. 

i'm such a failure, yes?
*insert theme music: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why