migraine

oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
hanggang dito na lang ako, nangangarap na mapasayo.

masakit tanggapin pero, hindi kasi ako ang tipo ng tao na nag-dedemand ng gusto. hindi ko kaya sabihin na, sana ako na lang ang piliin mo. hindi ko naman kasalanan na ganito ako, pero hindi ko rin isini-sisi sayo. nahulog ako mag-isa, tapos nagpapakita ka rin na nahuhulog ka na, pero hindi ako ang priority mo.

gusto kong sabihin sa muka mo, na gusto ko, ako ang priority mo.

asan ba ako sayo? andiyan pa ba sa iyo? aasa ba ko sayo?

may mga pagkakataon na parang gusto ko ng bumitaw, kasi pakiramdam ko wala kang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. nagsisikap ako na suyuin ka't lahat, pero ikaw ni mag-text man lang, hindi pa magawa. para kong kinakausap ang pader, walang kwenta.

gusto ko kahit isang text man lang sa isang araw, yung tipong magpapasaya sakin kahit sobrang pagod na ko.

gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo.

alam ko sa sarili ko na nahulog na ko. pero kung ikaw ayaw mo, wag mo na kong paasahin. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo, bibitaw naman ako. hindi ako masasaktan, tanggap ko na, na hindi talaga pwede. sabihin mo lang kung ayaw mo na, at ako ang kusang bibitaw.

magkakasakitan pa ba tayo bago ko malaman ang katotohanan? sabihin mo lang na ayaw mo na, titigil ako, para sayo.

first taglish post... yuck

Ally McBeal is relevant.

I got home and I immediately slouched on the couch, turned on the TV and just let the TV do the talking. I was browsing channels hoping to find something good to watch. I came upon reruns of Ally McBeal, specifically the episode when Ally hosted a thanksgiving dinner with her friends and family. This particular episode really struck a particular vulnerable space in my heart, but when I was little I couldn’t even get the meaning of the whole show. I guess growing up really makes people think differently, wisely maybe but not really. I know people who grew up and they’re still the same immature persons that they were. But yeah, the episode focused on Ally’s parents. Ally found out that her dad kissed her co-worker, while it was thanksgiving and people were in her house. I wanna narrate all the events that happened but I wanna skip to the part where they all went to therapy.

The therapist was kick-ass; she nailed every issue down like dog on a duck hunt. Lots of issues arose, including why her dad cheated and why her mom cheated also and so on and so forth. Her mom cheated when she little was because she was jealous that she lost her husband to her daughter, which was quite intruiging. She fell in love with the guy because she felt left out of her husband’s life. Her dad on the other hand cheated because he thought Ally had put him to her periphery. He also had no idea that Ally caught her mom and the other guy when she was 3 years old, making the situation really messy.

To sum it all up, her dad cheated because he felt left out of his daughter’s life and her mom cheated because she felt left out of her husband’s life; she felt she lost her husband to her daughter.

This particular heart wrenching episode was significant to me because I guess I can relate to it a bit. I grew up in a home where my mom was the only parent in the house. My dad had an affair when I was in 3^rd grade so I kinda saw a pattern there. Did I ever make my dad jealous? Did I hurt his ego because I hogged all the attention of my mom? Did I cause his infidelity? I never knew up to now.

It may be a hopeless romantic’s notion that when people fall in love it, it is forever, it is eternal, and it is magical. I want to believe in that too, but from seeing that these things do happen, may it be in TV or real life, love is just too over rated. I still keep a make-believe world where everyone can fall in love helplessly, but I just take short vacations in that world of mine. I would certainly like that world to be real but its not, it’s especially hard for me because I know I’m different from the normal average populace.  I think I might need to see a therapist too.

I grew up with a ton of internal conflicts but I apparently am ok with those. I chose to be a mama’s boy when my dad left us. I wanted to be a man of the house, a daunting task for 3^rd grader but apparently I was able to do. I found strength to forgive my father, but sometimes I still blame him for everything that happened after that. I had to grow up prematurely to help my mom and my sisters. My mom suffered from End-Stage Renal Disease, so she had to get a kidney transplant 6 years ago. Our finances just plummeted after her surgery, and then her work also got affected by the global economic recession. I had to make sure that I was gonna finish college all in one go. I studied hard and was able to get my professional license but I can’t even earn enough to help with the financial burden of my mom. I had to take it like a champ, that I’m not going to be doctor anymore. But I am still grateful to my father, because after all, my mom couldn’t concieve a child on her own. It’s just that he chose the easy path for him, but he left us the hard and harsh path on our own. Life sucks, but we learned to deal with it, that sometimes we don’t even care anymore.

Since its February, I wanted to post everything related to love, so that maybe, even just for a brief moment, I could breathe out and tell myself that there’s still love left inside of me. I guess I could never find the right girl/guy who’ll fall head over heels for me, but who cares? I’ve been living fine on my own for 22 freaking years, if love will come then it will someday, soon maybe.

Next on my agenda though, my perfect Bohemian Summer! I’ve just booked 2 tickets to Boracay on March; I need to get in shape again, just like how I did for my previous “modeling” stint. After that, I’m going back to studying and preparing for my NCLEX. My blonde and blue-eyed dreams are starting to materialize and I must grab the opportunities, they’re just waiting for me.

Must lay off food from now on, I don’t wanna look like a big tall marshmallow on the beaches/bitches of Boracay!

[ENG/RO] GaIn (EP) - 04. Esperando (작곡, 작사 by Ra.D)

slow dance with me :)

esperando el amor

i paint my world with the color of chaos

there i was again, staring blankly into the dark sky. i wanted to reach for it but i decided not to anymore. i realized that maybe not all things are meant to be grasped for. there’s this innate feeling of reaching for something but in actuality, in the back of our minds, we all know that we will not ever get that something.

i gave up searching because i learned that if you try to search, you’ll just end up hurt and tired from it. if things are meant to come your way, then they will.

patience goes a long way, which i’m apparently running short of too.

in the end i gave up searching and reaching, too much drama and emotions. i bottled my dreams up and threw it to the sea, never to be found again. i succumbed to the infinite cycle of chaos and dispute over material things. i’ll lose my individuality just for the sake of practicality, because that is what i feel politically correct right now.

i’m throwing my dreams away because of the greater good it will do. i might not achieve what i wanted but at least i know i’ve contributed something in this world, eventhough its not i’ve planned for. it’s sad and bleak, but who cares. i’ve given up on myself so what’s the use of fending for me. i’m not scared of the future anymore, nothing will amaze me anymore. i’m still keeping my faith but my hopes are all dried up like prunes now.

i bit my tongue while chewing on a Christmas Candy Cane. FML

The Paradox of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete...


(lifted from an email)

typographies are my thing too

tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock

So i found out that platonic is really taking the CPA's this year, which i kinda had a feeling that he did, due to my excessive stalking prowess. I wanted to ask platonic out last Valentine's day via SMS, and it went something like this:

Neurotic: Hey, what's up?

Platonic: I'm ok ^.^

Neurotic: I wanna go out, lets have some coffee on monday? Nothing fancy just plain Starbucks.

Platonic: Can't, have to study. I need to sleep... zzZZzzZZ

Neurotic: Ok then... I'll just spend Valentine's alone then. Hahaha! Nighty.

Failed attempt, yes? Geez, I was looking forward to meeting platonic again... Anyway, I spent my Valentine's alone, doing laundry and cleaning the whole house. Apparently, I have a ton of clothes inside my closet that I must dispose or at least give to the needy.

I kind of feel stupid for doing that, but heck, I really want platonic in my life. The days spent stalking on Facebook would be meaningless if platonic would never go out with me. Besides we kissed at the most awkward place ever... *pukes, then giggles* and platonic was the one who asked for it, I just obliged. LOL

I know how it feels to study for a licensure exam, its a lot like hell. You can certainly feel the time running out, or you're running after time, or time is running after you. It's stress to the nth level. I understand...

Platonic must realize that I'm also running after time, I might have to leave in a year... I guess platonic still doesn't get that but I'll let platonic decide whether to throw me away or keep me. I can also feel that I'm running out of time, or running after time, or time is running after me. I just need reassurance that platonic will hold on, if platonic decides to let go, then I'll gladly do it.