Panic Switch!

okay, they wanted me to be a nurse, then they want me to study medicine. and now, they want me to be a nurse, again, for the fucking nth time. they don’t know what sort of emotional roller coaster they’re putting me through. i’m being torn apart at the seams. i’ve already made up my mind that i’ll go pursue my dreams now that they have SAID that I can, now they’re telling me to give it up again?

WTF?! I NEED MY PANIC SWITCH!

Wasted 3 fucking years of my life trying to please everyone and it got me nowhere.

you see, this is why i don't like feeling too ecstatic about something. i think i need to go to my therapist again.

Calling You

it has been a week since i've started my SSRI treatment and as far as I can remember, it takes around 7-14 days for the drugs to work. apparently, i do feel better now.

what's funny is, remember when i wrote on my blog that i will never become a doctor since that shit about not affording med school and stuff? well guess what... they're now pushing me to be a doctor.

i was stoic at first, i didn't really believe that they were THAT serious. my granma is now selling our "hacienda" in Iloilo so that we can have money, so that i can become a doctor.

there's this saying that goes likes this:

"Kung ano ang para sayo, darating at darating din iyon."

apparently, it is true. they don't know how much i cried over and over about not going to med school and how much i envy my classmates that already took it. they don't know how much i've waited for my chance and my calling. they don't know how much i need and want this chance. i'm finally heeding my call.

i was just smiling and laughing when they told me that, but deep down inside of me, i was crying, screaming, partying, dancing, seizing(?), rolling on the floor and everything else.

now, im just preparing for the tests and requirements that i have to submit to my target schools while working on 12 hour shifts. yes, i am a good multi-tasker, patiently and silently making my moves like a ninja.

but i should not be all too ecstatic about it. i know there's an equally disappointing news that's about to come, i can just feel it in my veins. but nevertheless, i am happy and that's what matters now.

Permafrost: The Deep One

i've visited my shrink friend these past few days. i was diagnosed with cyclothymia, its a milder form of bipolar disorder. it doesn't really interfere with my activities of daily living but it does make me suffer a bit. my friends told me that i frequently have bitchfits and PMS's these past few months. and voila, its cyclothymia bitch.

anyways, i haven't written anything substantial yet. its quite difficult juggling my work, my life and my issues altogether. and also the fact that i have no decent internet access right now adds a whole new level to my "dysthymic" phase. i was prescribed with some SSRI's and a little Lithium to stabilize whatever havoc my neurotransmitters are causing me. i need to put my feelings and emotions in a state of suspended animation.

kudos to me. i'm fucked up bigtime. no wonder i've been so emo and bitchy these past few months. i've been slipping in and out of those phases and there was nothing i could do. Yoga and all the calming techniques that i know of, they were just there to soothe the attacks. even though they weren't major in nature, its still putting a stress on my relationships with my friends and loved ones. i even caught myself shouting at my poor helpless patient one night. i almost cried.

so what am i doing now?

i'm prolly gonna go and try to find some time to write on my blog. my therapist said it helps a lot since i don't talk alot. it's one way of my catharsis and it has always been. its my non-judging, non-reactive friend and my followers are like my minions that just says yes and nods. (pardon me, followers lol)

Waxed Wicks and Candle Sticks

every year, my mom would make me a personalized candle for my birthday. she started doing that when i was 3. lavender is probably my favorite essential oil she would use to make it.

i would usually make a wax ball out of the drippings and scald my hands. my mom would get mad. fun but painful.

its also fun wetting your index finger and your thumb with saliva and hearing the sizzle from the smothered wick.

why does she make candles for my birthday? well partly because it is my birthday on the 2nd of november and partly because its All Soul's Day. kind of a 2-in-1 thing. i didn't mind. i got used to it. graveyards and gravestones don't scare me anymore. heck i even touch and manipulate cadavers and bones like its no big deal.

we celebrate my birthdays in the cemetery, paying homage to my dead grandfather, dead aunt (and her dead dog.)

this year, its different. no more candles. no more birthdays in the cemetery.

it should be fun right? not quite.

my mom is s/p(status: post) kidney transplant and only god knows how much longer we can sustain her meds and basically her life. honestly, i miss my candles. i really don't know what will happen to us if she passes away. i should be receiving my 20th candle tomorrow, but i am not expecting it anymore. there are things that i just don't impose anymore.

i really don't mind walking on top of graves for my birthday. i only wish that i could have more birthday candles from my mom. nothing else.