Existential Crisis Part 24

“I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.”
—
Haruhn Yahya 

So, yeah my blog has finally accumulated cobwebs and shit. I haven't written anything decent as a matter of fact, even on my tumblr. The past few months have been like a crazy roller coaster. Commuting to far flung areas that I have never imagined of going to. Dealing with people who demand so much but give so little. Co-workers who just make office life the seventh ring of hell. Basically, life. I never even thought I had one to be honest.

Apart from that, almost everyone from my batch mates, both in high school and college, has their lives put together. Meanwhile, I'm still flopping around like a fish out of water. Oh you know, me and my infinite downward spiral. As far as I know, I'm trying out whatever changes I can do with my life and none of them seem to work. Good job, me. Good job indeed.

The worst realization upon quitting my job is that I'm gonna be a quarter of a century year old soon. GODFREAKINGDAMMIT.

I'm just grateful that I am still here and I'm okay. I'm just "winging" everything to get by, I might even have mastered that skill.

Distance

As I lay on my warm bed, my skin feeling sticky and sweaty, I exasperated. The hot air blowing from the fan brushes on my hair and face. The gentle droning of the fan is slowly lulling me to a deep slumber.

Somehow, the empty space beside me just feels so enormous. I felt longing and yearning, but there was no one. You were just miles away.

My skin prickles with something more than just yearning. My hands tried to mimic yours. It moved over my ticklish places; the ones that you love touching and kissing. I’ve always liked how my skin feels slippery after you kissed them.

I hugged my pillow as tightly as I can. The heat was getting more intense. My heart was racing and I was panting. I closed my eyes and imagined you were here, caressing my pale, sweaty and silky skin.

My groin felt ticklish and numb while I was lucidly dreaming about you. I felt my hands slipping and stroking. I was giving in.

My lips were as dry as the Gobi. I wet them while moaning. If only you could see how sad this scene was. These were the scenes that we were supposed to be doing together. You could see and feel how I miss you; how I lust for you.

I was burning against the orange-tinged sunset behind my window. I should always maintain my silent dignity, for it is the only thing that is left with me. I will wait, but I can’t wait forever.

And when the deed was done, I lay there wet and limp like a lily.

These are the languid vestiges of my sultry and lonely afternoons.

- I didn't know I had these kind of posts. When and how did I write these? OMG.

Monorails and Mononucleosis

I finally got my newly calibrated lenses from my friend. I had to travel to Alabang because it's where her clinic is. I just managed to make friends with her while I was on my area assignments. I'm really happy about my new glasses cause it looks so hip and suits my face really well. I paid her for her work and asked for her call card just in case I would know someone who needs a pair of spiffy spectacles.

On my way back to Quezon City, everything was clearer and vivid. I can see faces clearly now. It's like everything is back in HD. I had to take a bus to Magallanes so that I could ride the MRT to Cubao. Bus rides in EDSA are lies from the devil. It would take me at least 1 hour to get to Cubao if I rode a bus from Alabang. I could sleep all the way, but the problem is, I have a long neck and it hurts when I rest my head on the seat. I am a giraffe by the way.

So there, I got to Magallanes really quick. Waited in queue to get my pass. Got into the train.

I always put my head down to avoid being seen. I stand out quite literally. But the problem is, when I bow my head, it gets harder to breathe. The air is humid and smells of humanity. So I extend my neck and close my eyes. The moment I do, I feel judging and scrutinizing eyes turn my way. 

Ah, there it is.

I can never seem to dodge "them" can't I?

SO, I put on my earphones and bob my head to Fall Out Boy's Save Rock and Roll. Spacing out in a very confined space. Then, next come the nudges, the pokes, the swipes. Hmm. Ok. Nothing scary yet.

I keep on pretending that I don't give a fuck and I'm insensitive. At the corner of my eye though, I see two guys making out at the back of the train. They're either ninjas or no one else gives a fuck as well. Ok. Then they caught me gawking at them. I'm like "I didn't see anything, please continue."

Suddenly, they both grinned at me. I died a thousand times inside. I'm in trouble.

I remained calm and quickly took a seat when some lady got off the train at Guadalupe station. Yay! Dangers averted.

I therefore conclude that the MRT is still a volatile niche. It's dangerous and exciting at the same time. I never get bored of the MRT. Except I hate it when I can't even breathe properly or getting my ass grabbed or getting elbowed in the gut. But I can't really complain because it is still one of the most efficient and cheap ways to travel from north to south and vice versa.

He walks like summer, but feels like winter

Funny how my summer went this year. I've traveled almost 300kms within a week, the catch though, it's for work. I wake up at 4 am every day just to get to Batangas by 8 am and leave by 4 pm to get home by 7 pm.    I wanted to tear my hair out of frustration, but I didn't because I'm a grown ass man. I decided to suck it in till it ends since its just for a week anyways, and I'll get to go on wanderlust after I get my paycheck.

I promised myself a summer vacation on my own, but no, my boss loves me so much that she decided to send me to Laguna after my project in Batangas, then another week in Alabang. Summer just went poof right before my very eyes. Oh well. Such is life. There is no rest for the wicked. Speaking of which, I've just received a call right as I am writing this; telling me to go to work next week, luckily it will be in BGC.

So there, I just bought myself 5 sessions of microdermabrasion and stuff to remove the stresses of daily life off my face. I also got my lenses re-calibrated so that I won't get migraine attacks anymore, plus my glasses can shoot laser now so I can incinerate her (I wish). I bought shoes and got enough money to buy gym clothes, cause I might really need to work out all the unhealthy food that I ate since my life is always "on-the-go" these past few months. I also decided to write my ass off just to expunge all these pent up feelings. LOL

All in all, this summer is a bummer. I want to get tan lines and shit cause I'm too pale for my own good. Also, goodbye summer bod. It all went down the drain when I ate everything I could see just to cope with work. Maybe by December I can wanderlust myself till I can't be found anymore. If that can't be done, there's always next year... and the year after that... and most probably I won't be doing it anymore. YAY FOR MY EVER SO RELIABLE WILLPOWER.

Wit's End

Five, seven and five

It's gonna end somehow now

Five, seven and five

Feelings - Up Dharma Down

Breaking through the night 

In this cold farenheit 

Shadows have left 

Crying got old 

Bland and bittersweet 

Wondering what went wrong 

There goes all hope 

There goes all hope 

But the feeling 

It tries to escape 

Bleeds through the light even when I close my eyes 

Its not seething 

The weight on this shoulder 

I can’t wait to chase the fiction home 

And carry on 

Favors in reverse 

Songs are unrehearsed 

When I get through this 

I hope I get through you 

Stains on my mind 

The cloud on that hour 

The minute you closed the door 

My eyes washed the floor 

Baby baby its hard to say 

But there seems to be no other way 

You left and you were right 

So I have to let us down this time 

Cause I can 

Cause I can’t feel it 

No other way but down 

No other way but down 

You said so yourself 

It’s just 

It’s just a feeling 

It’s just a feeling 

What are you crying for 

What are you crying for 

When its just a feeling 

God knows you can get through this 

I wanna know 

Do you feel anything 

As you go on your way 

Driving home 

As I sleep alone tonight 

I wanna know 

Do you feel anything 

For me 

Before I go 

Before I go, forever

You: Pathogenic Molecule of Premature Ventricular Contractions

You are that singular stray molecule of acetylcholine that makes the saltatory movement across my nodes of Ranvier, leaping and jumping from axons to dendrites. And finally, upon reaching the calcium channels in my myocardial tissues, you make my heart twitch and quiver and skip a beat.

Homegirl's Back

So, homegirl and I decided to go out drinking after New Year. We talked about lots of stuff; like who's pregnant from our class, who's getting married and who has jobs. LOL. [Well, we all know what my current employment status is: it's complicated.] So there, I decided to ask her if she already has a boyfriend or something. She said she's still waiting for Mr. Right. She’s had a bit of a trouble with boys/men, so she doesn’t want to go there for now. But I felt like she needs someone, you know? Someone that looks after her and stuff like that. So I guffawed and felt like my eyes rolled 360 degrees, from left to right.

"Honey, if Mr. Right hasn't found you yet, maybe it's time that you find him. It's taking you too long and you look like you need Mr. Right. Well, not Mr. Right Now, but at least someone to be intimate with at least," I told her.

"Oh hell no, I got you and my family. I think that's enough 'action' for me. Emotional investments aren't my thing," she replied.

"Oh stop being an old maid, you pretty little thing you. C’mon, let's go and have a look-see while the night is young."

“Eeeh, we’re not prepared. I look normal. I don’t have my hooker clothes in the car.”

“You wench.”

I managed to nudge her to go out and go have some fun. We arrived at a bar looking all normal and stuff. We already saw a couple of cuties on our way in. Sat in the corner and talked in hush tones trying to look nonchalant, when this dashing young lad approached us. He asked for my homegirl’s name and then he said his. She asked for his age and when he told us, I felt like our faces turn white. He’s freaking 18 and he was looking for a “girl” tonight. Homegirl’s eyes and mine met for a sec and we immediately connected, like telepathy. He’s looking for sex. Oh dear God. So yes, he was pied off right away. I went to get more drinks and homegirl did what she has to do.

“These kids, what the heck are they doing here? We didn’t whore ourselves out when we we’re 18,” I whispered in her ear.

“Yeah, well, times change.”

“I suppose so.”

We continued sipping our drinks. We didn’t want to chug it down because we had to make our drinks last. To our dismay, we didn’t get a single drink from any of the cuties near the door. Homegirl has a talent to get sponsors when we wanted to grab free drinks in a bar. I could never pull it off in a hetero bar though.

“Looks like we’re getting rusty,” she said.

“Nah, we’re just not prepared. Besides, I think this is not our venue anymore. ‘This’ scene was so 3 years ago.”

“Yeah.”

We were about to finish and grab coffee instead when another guy approached us and tried to wince his way in our conversation. I glanced at homegirl and I saw that she was interested. I excused myself and gestured homegirl to just text me whatever happens. I went to a café and just as soon as I got on a chair my phone vibrated.

“I got one. Hehehe,” from homegirl’s number.

“Good, now, you gonna play or is he a keeper? *wink*” I replied

“I don’t know yet. I’m in no mood for playing. He’s smart though. I got his number.”

“Good for you! Hope he stays. He is kinda cute. LOL!”

“Yeah you think so? I think I should keep him interested. Mehehe. *grin*”

“You go Glenn Coco. Imma go home. I hope you had fun.”

“Yeah I did! Thank you. Let’s just hope cutiepie stays.”

I went home and went to bed. I felt happy to see my homegirl back. The cheerful, flirty and silly girl I’ve always been close friends with. I was waiting for her text before I sleep, but of course being a narcoleptic that I am, I dozed off. I woke up and got a text from her after lunch.

“Oh my god, he’s amazing. *wink*,” from homegirl’s number.

“You dirty little hoe. HAHAHAHA! So I’m guessing that you did it?”

“Well, yep, but that’s not the point. I like him… A lot.”

“Woah, do you think… he might be the one?”

“Maybe, but you know, ultimately, I’m the one who’s gonna make it happen anyways. If he’s not Mr. Right yet, then I’ll wait until he decides to become My Mr. Right. Lol.”

“Wow, feisty. That’s why we’re friends. Hahaha! Anyways, how was he? *grins*”

“Didn’t I tell you that he was ‘AMAZING’? C’mon man, a girl never kisses and tells. *grin*”

“Ah Touché! Hahaha.”

“Plus, I already told him about us. How we’re like a couple but not really. So… he wants you to meet his best buddy. I think you’ll like him. Hehehe. *wink*”

“Oh…?”

Then I got a picture message via Viber. I was skeptical at first, but then when the image loaded, my jaws dropped. He was like Andrew Wolfe and Papa Chen mixed together. I would post his picture but then, I'm afraid he might kill me if he knew.

"WTF? Is this really cutiepie's friend? Why is life so unfair?" I texted immediately.

"Yep. After you left, he dropped by. Cutiepie was asking me a lot of stuff about you. So there, I spilled a bit. Haha. Then he asked me if you wanted someone too. I said yes, because I knew you would say that too. *wink*"

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!” I replied.

“Cause I love you. Hehehe. Get dressed, we’re meeting him at 2. We’ll pick you up around quarter to 1. Dress to impress, honey, dress to impress.”

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Sprouts

So 2012 has gone by and I'm still quite on loose ground. I am looking for work. Specifically something that has creative freedom. I've already done bits and pieces of odd jobs in the past 2, almost 3 years. I think I know what I want now. I've gained experience and insight to what I can and cannot do. I just want a job that   makes me happy. Cause you know, there's a big difference between "working to live" and "living to work."

I know I've worked my butt off for my prestigious(?) license and stuff, but honestly I don't care about it anymore. I just use it as a government issued ID now. I mean yeah, I can still remember stuff I can do within my scope of practice. I can still save lives, but it lost its luster to me. I've already gone out of that self-hypnotism, I've moved on. Let's just say it'll just become a part of my "turmoil" phase.

Anyways, I've always wanted to set-up a hole-in-the-wall kind of cafe/pub. A place to hang-out for those creative junkies. Kinda like, CubaoX meets an upscale, snooty coffee shop. Artisanal coffee and pastries in the morning, then booze and indie music at night. The place will be covered in all kinds of books, which the customers can read during their stay in the premises. Nothing too mainstream really. I also don't believe in those insane amounts of money they charge people for a cup of coffee. I think I've never been a place like that in the metro, that's why I wanna set it up. And go away idea-stealers.

Right now, I need work so I can earn and save money for this so-called business plan I'm about to head into. I've got tons of work to draw out before I can pull this one off. I'm no business management graduate but I know its going to be fruitless if I dove in with eyes closed. So yes, I need work: for my MA and the capital for this goal. It's not a dream, yet... I'm just changing my current to this one, piece by piece.

I've got my work cut out for me again, that is if I can keep my shit together. Keep calm and carry on.

Graceful Exits

You know, I've always wanted to backpack out of randomness. No particular place in mind, just let my feet carry me somewhere far away. But I've always told myself, once I leave for somewhere very very far and I’m all alone, I might never find my way back, or rather I might never wanna come back. In the end, I just sit here and wait for someone to take me away, so I know I can always come back. I guess I’m just being my silly and fickle self again.

I think I am in friend-love with you

“I Think I Am In Friend-Love With You” written by and illustrated by Yumi Sakugawa, published in Sadie Magazine, 2012.