Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Family Guy

My dad usually goes home around past 12am. Usually drunk and inebriated. He usually rouses my mom up to talk with utter sincerity due to his alcohol. They just don't know that I overhear what they usually talk about. Sometimes, it's about their zombified relationship as husband and wife, other times, its about my future, a whole lot of times its regarding the relatives and in-laws.

Tonight's topic is about how we communicate at home. Mom claims that our house has no censors; she aptly described us, her kids, as blunt and blatant. Well, quite honestly my sister has found out that dad has gone out with his girl officemates. My mom and my sister suspects that he's up to his old tricks again. Sigh.

My sister really has gone out wild on my dad, dad just got his face slapped with bitter words. It's funny to see how the dynamic in our family has drastically changed. I decided to hold my tongue and they are eternally grateful for that because they are very much aware that I have the sharpest in the family. As much as I'd like to detach myself from them, as much as I'd like not to care, I can't. I really can't. It actually hurts so much to see how hostile are we at each other now and I can't do anything to try to fix it. We're as volatile as liquid nitrogen. And yet we still stick, by some miraculous means.

I love my family. But I don't know whether I can handle the pressure of being the family breadwinner. It's always the anathema to my dreams. And every fucking time this topic is brought up, I'm the always the one yielding. I have to because it's the right thing to do. 

People have always told to me be positive about it, but really, I can't because I'm the one who's being compromised. I find it unfair. Do they even know how much I wanted to become a doctor? All the drama behind this pathologically happy facade? And no, I am not in my self-hypnosis anymore.

It's a constant struggle, between being practical or being radical. My mom tells me to follow my dreams and she somehow brings me back to reality with the current situation we are in. She doesn't know how she subliminally torments me. I just usually give out a long sigh.

It's just so hard, you know. Like I feel like giving up. I'm just so tired and I just wanna sleep. And in my dreams I wish and pray so hard that things will change, that maybe even God hears me in my sleep. I'm just holding on to whatever it is that I can hold to and I try to do everything that I can, bring in some food on the table. The trivial things that makes me happy. Because of being so pessimistic in life, even the smallest of surprises is a welcome treat. Sigh.

And then I've also thought of becoming a cat, 'cause cats are so cool. This last sentence has so much relevance with what I wrote.

No comments:

Post a Comment