Sunday, January 29, 2012
I'm too hipster to have drama
I just want to tell you that I don’t want to work as a nurse anymore. It’s not that I stopped being a nurse, but I don’t want to work in a hospital as a nurse. It’s just a painful reminder that I’ll never be a doctor.
I’ll never be a doctor because we are financially incapable. I also told you that I will try to work for my own tuition fee, but as Mamita said it, I can never work and attend med school at the same time. So, I’ll just stop dreaming that I will be in the hospital working as a doctor. It’s the sad and painful truth.
If there’s one thing I hate, I hate being given false hopes.
I was secretly reviewing for my NMAT in the hopes of getting a 90+ rating for it. Every night I go out and help Pinky with her assignments, I secretly review her transes and her books. I thought that if I get the highest scores in my NMAT, I would be given scholarships to the schools that I aim for. That’s how I work hard for something that I want. And now, I’ll give up on it. You don’t know how much I wanted and needed to go to med school.
You don’t realize how unhappy I am; how envious I am seeing almost all my classmates get somewhere. I am unhappy because I don’t like what you guys are making me do. I was made to believe that if I graduate BS Nursing, I would get somewhere. But the bitter truth is; I didn’t get anywhere.
Don’t compare me with the other people that are pursuing their careers in nursing, it’s their dream and not mine. I am sure of myself that I will not be happy if I work as a nurse here or anywhere else in the world.
Frankly speaking, nursing wasn’t my choice, but since it can be a good pre-med I took it wholeheartedly. I wanted to prove myself to you that I will excel even if I didn’t like it. But then, I wasn’t even given the chance to apply for med schools or even take the NMAT for that matter. I’m not blaming anyone or anything, but yeah, if it’s not for me, then why the hell are we still trying to pursue nursing? I’m already hurt from the fact that I wasn’t gonna go to med school, and you guys still keep on trying to rub it on my face by forcing me to work in a hospital. Like I said, I’ll only work at hospitals when I’m a doctor. It’s just adding insult to injury if I work where I am reminded of the things that hurt me.
I’ve tried working as a nurse, I didn’t like it. I got mistreated and underpaid. I was traumatized at how some people look at us. I do have pride in what I have achieved, but I don’t deserve to be treated like that.
And then Tito Rommel wanted to help me work abroad. I was very skeptical at first because I know far too well that it may be a long shot but I gave it a try. I guess I was too lax in procuring all my necessary documents, that’s why it’s taking me forever to get my NCLEX. And now, my employer has backed out. No offense but, I think it’s about time to rethink. I may have passed my bachelor’s degree with flying colors, I got my professional license with ease, and I know I have all the skills and knowledge to become a great nurse, but I think it just isn’t meant for me. My heart isn’t with nursing anymore. People change, I did too.
If there’s someone to blame for all these mess, then I guess I’ll just take it all. I didn’t know that med school would be expensive. I didn’t know that you guys wouldn’t even let me work for it in my own terms. I didn’t know that you wouldn’t understand where I’m coming from. So yeah, I’ll just take on all the blame, because I didn’t know things too well.
I secretly filed my resume to companies and businesses that are hiring. I tried applying as an apprentice designer, heck I even made sketches and my own clothes without you guys knowing. I also tried walking down runways as a model. I’ve told you that I want to work somewhere else. You didn’t approve of it.
So don’t tell me not to get angry. I am trying to fix my own messes in life, but you hinder me. When will I learn things on my own? Ultimately, I’m the one who’s unhappy here, not you guys. I’m the master of my own ship, but then how will I navigate on my own if you still take over?
I’m not being rude or anything but I don’t think of my future, I let future worry on its own. What’s more important to me is today; how I shall live today. You guys also didn’t know how many times I’ve cried alone because I am not happy with my life anymore. I just don’t show it because I still want you think that I am strong. It’s catching up with me now and it’s slowly killing me. You don’t even know how I miserably failed in killing myself. (I tried killing myself with Neozeps but ended up vomiting everything. And now you know it, please don’t kill me.)
That is why I decided to get up on my own. It’s not like I’m disobeying you, but more of asserting my birthright. I wanna work where I feel I belong. I wanna work where I am happy. And quite disappointingly, that is not how I see myself in the hospitals.
Call me a selfish ingrate, I don’t care. I’m still grateful to all things you’ve provided me with. But I think it’s time to let me go. It doesn’t mean that I’ll stop being your son; it just means that I’ve already come of age. It’s time for me to put into good use of what you’ve patiently taught me. I don’t easily forget all the things you’ve said to me and I’ll prove it. (This is me exhibiting that I have a “backbone,” because if I said this whole speech verbally, I just get misunderstood and be labeled as rude.)
I know all the drama in our family. You’ve been saying a litany of things that I shouldn’t and wouldn’t want to hear, but I have to. It’s my duty since I’m the only person who stays at home. I just don’t want to add to the drama anymore, I don’t want to be big disappointment. I know far too well how hard it is living with regret. I just don’t want that. But you keep on nagging and subliminally pressuring me to pursue my nursing career, and I’m starting to feel remorse and regret. I don’t want us to come to a point that we all become hostile to each other, those moments are reserved for telenovelas and shit.
I belong to a liberal generation, where there is limitless potential. I should utilize it and benefit from it. I just want to you to understand that what I am going through isn’t easy. (Hence, my funky haircut.) I just want you to understand how hard it is getting your approval on things that I want to do. I do that because I still respect and love you. I want to be happy, but you’re not letting me be.
I know I’m gonna be a good doctor, but circumstances aren’t agreeing with me.
“Kung ano ang para sa’yo, darating at darating din yun.”
Maybe it’s not meant for me. I’m pretty sure God knows that no med school will accept me when I’m already 40+. So He’ll make a way when it’s meant for me, (hopefully by this year.)
Besides, I’m good at everything I like to do. Maybe it really is the time to explore my other talents.
If ever you find me snapping back at you, that just means how shitty I feel. I’m terribly sorry for those. I guess, like mother, like son.
I don’t know how to end this long piece of shit, I’ll just say: I love you.