Gravity

You know what's funny?

My life is.

Just kidding. It's been a while since I've written on my blog and it feels good to finally revisit some of the pages I used to read. Things have changed so much that I don't recognize the writing of the people I follow, although I know most of them are in a better place than I am. Not that I didn't improve as well. A ton of events happened from last year up to now and I'm still reeling it all in.

A breakup, failing twice for a promotion, my mom getting sick. Quite colorful ain't it?

That's all been said and done. I'm moving on or at least still trying to. I mean, for the most of parts of my daily life I'm okay, but I can't help but think that what if this is my destiny? Will I ever have the things that I've been dreaming of? It's not that I'm not trying but these things, they get to you. Definitely, not the end of the world, but I can't help but feel there's so much more that I can do.

But you know, every once in a while I still try to log in and read some of the stuff on my timeline. And lately, my hands have been itching to write. So here I am at this dingy computer shop writing my heart out.

I tried dating again. Lo and behold, I flopped like fish out of water. Haha. It's not for me I guess. But I still believe that someday, I'll stop being a potato and start winning at the game. Well, love is a losing game anyways.

I almost got promoted twice. Almost.

And then my mom got sick again. The more that I feel the pressure as the breadwinner hence I the want to earn more. And I guess, its one of the reasons why I'm still here and why the single life is beneficial for everyone in my family. It sounds like a bullshit reason but I'd do anything to keep my mom healthy. Have I turned into an adult now? I don't know. I still feel underhanded and heavy and the road keeps on telling me to go on. I have to.

It's soothing to see how most of the blogs I follow are still active and still there. This side of the internet has a very special meaning for me. It still feels like home. Given that other bloggers may have logged off permanently, this blogosphere is my safe zone.

I may have gone off the radar, but hey, something always brings you back to where you belong.

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I'm happy for you guys, but I can't fake my heart not breaking seeing you two together. This is what I deserve for leaving you. I love you bub. Goodbye.

High And Mighty

I guess its time to come clean to everyone, I broke up with my boyfriend roughly 7 months ago and things called feelings just hit you when you least expect it. This is why I'm writing this. I need to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk about it to. My work mates barely even know my personal life. I don't want to bother friends because I'm like that; when I get asked if I'm okay, I'll just pretend that nothing's happening. I am not good with spoken words. I am not sure if I'm getting through. And I'm crying while typing this because I thought I'm made of ice but apparently I'm not.

To be fair, I was the one who begged off. He was still the most understanding boyfriend when I did that.

3, almost 4 years have passed. We braved through it all. Things changed and I changed. I changed so much that I lost track of the people I loved, specifically him. Transitioning to the primary breadwinner of the household is taking a lot of my time and my effort. My feelings for him was put aside so many times that it went away. I tried my best. I did my best. My world that revolved around him was gone. It's now me, my family and my career. It was a slow and painful process.

I still love and care for him. I have nothing but love for him, but I was the one who told him to go see other people. I felt unworthy of him. I never cheated or anything, but I feel so dumb because I can't even devote time and feelings for him anymore. Because loving someone is always a choice, I chose to love myself and my family a little bit more and here I am crying like a child.

And I just recently spoke with him and he's seeing someone else. I'm so scared that if I met them together, I might just break down and cry. Incidentally, I met them at a friend's house. They looked good together. I was panicking and fidgeting, but they're really cool.

The memories came crashing. I wanted to bail out. I should have been the one by his side. I should have been the one snuggling with him. But I threw it all away. I seriously wanted to hang myself right then and there but thank god my friends made sure that I'm ok.

I am not ready. I wasn't ready for this. Why did I even bother? That's another shining moment for you, Nikki. Getting yourself into an awkward scenario and it's just like January 3.

It wasn't my night. They were all huddled up together with their significant others. It was a couple's game night. No one knew that the joke is on me. But I kept smiling and laughing. And eventually it got better. I'm very good with that anyways.

I'm not posting this to garner affection or validation. I just wanted to cry myself out and this is the only form that I know that I'll be able to. I'm fine with them, I can mingle with them, but there's always a memory that would trigger me and I'll silently break down and cry. I'm no attention seeker, I'll cope in private. Thank you friends for not making it awkward.

To bub: if you're reading this and I hope you're not, you look good together. I wish you all the best. Don't mind me. I'll be fine.

Anyways, I think I should come out to my mom so at least she knows why I'm just staying at home sometimes and not going out every week like I did before. Being single puts perspective again. Things feel different and sometimes painful because I used to do it with bub, but I'm getting along swimmingly.

I'm still happy with my work and my role in the family. I've immersed in bettering myself #Self-Improvement2016. I've learned how to read Clow Cards and apparently, I have a very good connection with it. I'm practicing painting with watercolors. I think I'm up for promotion but I am not hoping. I'm generally in a better place come to think of it. I just wanted to make this post as a breather. I promised myself that I'll be a better because 2015 was me establishing my power and 2016 is now my turn to upgrade myself.

Also, Happy New Year. I hope you guys all have a great start!!!