I'm too hipster to have drama

Dear Mom,

I just want to tell you that I don’t want to work as a nurse anymore. It’s not that I stopped being a nurse, but I don’t want to work in a hospital as a nurse. It’s just a painful reminder that I’ll never be a doctor.

I’ll never be a doctor because we are financially incapable. I also told you that I will try to work for my own tuition fee, but as Mamita said it, I can never work and attend med school at the same time. So, I’ll just stop dreaming that I will be in the hospital working as a doctor. It’s the sad and painful truth.

If there’s one thing I hate, I hate being given false hopes.

I was secretly reviewing for my NMAT in the hopes of getting a 90+ rating for it. Every night I go out and help Pinky with her assignments, I secretly review her transes and her books. I thought that if I get the highest scores in my NMAT, I would be given scholarships to the schools that I aim for. That’s how I work hard for something that I want. And now, I’ll give up on it. You don’t know how much I wanted and needed to go to med school.

You don’t realize how unhappy I am; how envious I am seeing almost all my classmates get somewhere. I am unhappy because I don’t like what you guys are making me do. I was made to believe that if I graduate BS Nursing, I would get somewhere. But the bitter truth is; I didn’t get anywhere.

Don’t compare me with the other people that are pursuing their careers in nursing, it’s their dream and not mine. I am sure of myself that I will not be happy if I work as a nurse here or anywhere else in the world.

Frankly speaking, nursing wasn’t my choice, but since it can be a good pre-med I took it wholeheartedly. I wanted to prove myself to you that I will excel even if I didn’t like it. But then, I wasn’t even given the chance to apply for med schools or even take the NMAT for that matter. I’m not blaming anyone or anything, but yeah, if it’s not for me, then why the hell are we still trying to pursue nursing? I’m already hurt from the fact that I wasn’t gonna go to med school, and you guys still keep on trying to rub it on my face by forcing me to work in a hospital. Like I said, I’ll only work at hospitals when I’m a doctor. It’s just adding insult to injury if I work where I am reminded of the things that hurt me.

I’ve tried working as a nurse, I didn’t like it. I got mistreated and underpaid. I was traumatized at how some people look at us. I do have pride in what I have achieved, but I don’t deserve to be treated like that.

And then Tito Rommel wanted to help me work abroad. I was very skeptical at first because I know far too well that it may be a long shot but I gave it a try. I guess I was too lax in procuring all my necessary documents, that’s why it’s taking me forever to get my NCLEX. And now, my employer has backed out. No offense but, I think it’s about time to rethink. I may have passed my bachelor’s degree with flying colors, I got my professional license with ease, and I know I have all the skills and knowledge to become a great nurse, but I think it just isn’t meant for me. My heart isn’t with nursing anymore. People change, I did too.

If there’s someone to blame for all these mess, then I guess I’ll just take it all. I didn’t know that med school would be expensive. I didn’t know that you guys wouldn’t even let me work for it in my own terms. I didn’t know that you wouldn’t understand where I’m coming from. So yeah, I’ll just take on all the blame, because I didn’t know things too well.

I secretly filed my resume to companies and businesses that are hiring. I tried applying as an apprentice designer, heck I even made sketches and my own clothes without you guys knowing. I also tried walking down runways as a model. I’ve told you that I want to work somewhere else. You didn’t approve of it.

So don’t tell me not to get angry. I am trying to fix my own messes in life, but you hinder me. When will I learn things on my own? Ultimately, I’m the one who’s unhappy here, not you guys. I’m the master of my own ship, but then how will I navigate on my own if you still take over?

I’m not being rude or anything but I don’t think of my future, I let future worry on its own. What’s more important to me is today; how I shall live today. You guys also didn’t know how many times I’ve cried alone because I am not happy with my life anymore. I just don’t show it because I still want you think that I am strong. It’s catching up with me now and it’s slowly killing me. You don’t even know how I miserably failed in killing myself. (I tried killing myself with Neozeps but ended up vomiting everything. And now you know it, please don’t kill me.)

That is why I decided to get up on my own. It’s not like I’m disobeying you, but more of asserting my birthright. I wanna work where I feel I belong. I wanna work where I am happy. And quite disappointingly, that is not how I see myself in the hospitals.

Call me a selfish ingrate, I don’t care. I’m still grateful to all things you’ve provided me with. But I think it’s time to let me go. It doesn’t mean that I’ll stop being your son; it just means that I’ve already come of age. It’s time for me to put into good use of what you’ve patiently taught me. I don’t easily forget all the things you’ve said to me and I’ll prove it. (This is me exhibiting that I have a “backbone,” because if I said this whole speech verbally, I just get misunderstood and be labeled as rude.)

I know all the drama in our family. You’ve been saying a litany of things that I shouldn’t and wouldn’t want to hear, but I have to. It’s my duty since I’m the only person who stays at home. I just don’t want to add to the drama anymore, I don’t want to be big disappointment. I know far too well how hard it is living with regret. I just don’t want that. But you keep on nagging and subliminally pressuring me to pursue my nursing career, and I’m starting to feel remorse and regret. I don’t want us to come to a point that we all become hostile to each other, those moments are reserved for telenovelas and shit.

I belong to a liberal generation, where there is limitless potential. I should utilize it and benefit from it. I just want to you to understand that what I am going through isn’t easy. (Hence, my funky haircut.) I just want you to understand how hard it is getting your approval on things that I want to do. I do that because I still respect and love you. I want to be happy, but you’re not letting me be.

I know I’m gonna be a good doctor, but circumstances aren’t agreeing with me.

“Kung ano ang para sa’yo, darating at darating din yun.”

Maybe it’s not meant for me. I’m pretty sure God knows that no med school will accept me when I’m already 40+. So He’ll make a way when it’s meant for me, (hopefully by this year.)

Besides, I’m good at everything I like to do. Maybe it really is the time to explore my other talents.

If ever you find me snapping back at you, that just means how shitty I feel. I’m terribly sorry for those. I guess, like mother, like son.

I don’t know how to end this long piece of shit, I’ll just say: I love you.

Your Son,
Nikki

Poppy

His baby, he don't act like himself no more

He lost that smile he use to adore

He spend his nights slapping his veins

He lost that glow he used to have on his face

Empty, burned bottle on the carpet

His baby lying beside it

Tin foil and melted sugar everywhere

He said his provider was his pharmacist friend Ben

He swore He's gonna kill him because

The poppy took his baby away from him

His baby used to repeat the news

And now he talks about dragons on the wall

Used to love German expressionism films

Now he drinks until he falls

He was confused, didn't know what to do

So He called his momma, had her come on over

She got him off the ground, started slapping him around

And now she cried, she said she said she said

The poppy took my baby away from me

Carousels and Cotton Candy

My Lookbook moment at Star City.

1. Old Navy Roll-Up Plaid Shirt ($17.00)
2. Folded & Hung Skinny Jeans ($20.00)
3. Nike +6.0 ($35.00)
4. Levi's Denim Sling Bag ($200.00)

A fun moment with P and the couple (Priceless)

Sayonara 2011, Konnichiwa 2012

I’ve been back reading on my blog and I can see how I changed within this year.

I started 2011 filled with optimism and positivity. I wanted to do things I have never done before and I did. But, they never really made me happy. I just did those stuff to get crossed off of my bucket list of things to do.

I have to say, 2011 was filled with all sorts of heartbreak for me; may it be in a romantic kind of way or if it involves my dreams and career path. For me this year was pretty much disappointing, but life goes on so I have to keep going on too. Like what I learned from Ze Pussykets, move on.

It isn’t totally a drag too. I had lots of fun. I met new friends through my blogs, twitter and just plain saying hi to random people while waiting in line for movie tickets.

Meet ups are the most interesting events if I must say so. People are expecting a lot and when they get to see what the real deal is they get shocked by how different persons/bloggers are in the flesh. I am quite guilty of this predicament.

What’s more important though is the time spent together to bond with people you are talking to over the Internet. It’s like you’ve been friends for a long time and you’re just catching up.

Not to mention, I love how I finally got to meet up with my friends back in college. We seriously haven’t seen each other after we graduated and that was like 3 years ago.

Lots of things changed. They changed, I changed, our lives changed. I’m still grateful even if I had a very shitty year.

I don’t wanna start next year with the same anticipation as I did this year. I might just end up disappointing myself again.

I just can’t wait for this year to be over as to signify the end of terrible time in my life.

I know things will get better or worse but I’ll just keep on living one day at a time.

Love a life I will divide

We found love in a hopeless place.


Happy 4th motherfucker!

Samedi et Dimanche

Last Saturday, i had 3 events to go to; the Tumblr MUMUL at MoA, my ex-wave mates pre-Christmas dinner at Glorietta 5 and my annual high school reunion. Honestly, I didn’t expect to have all three events in one night. If I could split my body into 3, I would definitely have no problems, but yeah, no can do. I had to tough it all out, in one night.

I met up with Avery and Gelo in BK Rotonda around 6pm. We got to MoA around 7-ish.

So there, we were expecting the other bloggers to be inside Starbucks. Avery got really frantic when there was no one inside, we only saw Marlon.

Apparently, they all went near the skating rink and we had to search for them. Fortunately, we saw them (Onny, Dale, JC, Ghen, Adee, Jed, Nikko, Kyo and I forgot schizotypical’s name, FML) … in a quaint little circle. So there, we said our hi’s and hello’s, I helped Avery look for a venue because Starbucks was full of social climbing people.

Congo Grille it is… I suspected alcohol and it didn’t fail me. YES! And then Ade and Noah came along.

2 bottles of San Mig Light. Rapture!

here’s the part where Nikki gets all tipsy

Gelo, Marlon and I decided to go already. Gelo had to go because he also has an event to go to the next day, Marlon was tired and I had to go to Makati.

I was calling my friends while we were on the bus. They said they already left. I almost died.

I headed straight to my friend’s house since I wasn’t able to go my ex-work mates pre-Christmas Dinner.

I got in and there was Kahlua, Red Horse, Bailey’s and Cuervo. I managed to solo the Kahlua. Drunkard much? Not really. Happy times.

I went home around 8am because the people in the party were falling down one by one like flies sprayed with Baygon.

I opened the telly when i woke up and BOOM, Sendong killed 700 people in just one night.

Was this some kind of a sick joke?

The Trolls Never Get Trolled Back

I received a text from someone. I really thought that it was from my high school classmate. His number was registered for someone I know very well.

He began asking me weird rumors. He asked me if I was with someone. Apparently, rumors were circulating that I was dating someone from college who was allegedly closeted (which I also am). Sadly, those were just rumors.

He began asking me for my iMessage account. I don't have one. I don't use an iPhone or an iPad. His texting pattern is also different from what I know; it was more intrusive than the friend that I know. I started to be skeptical about his identity.

So yeah I answered him truthfully and now he knows I swing both ways. Tsk, I never wanted him to find out because he is one of the people that I don’t really trust. Good thing I didn’t tell him everything and good thing I found out he wasn’t my high school classmate or I might have told him everything. It turns out that he was the one that we "outed" shamefully back in college (well, it wasn't our fault that he sold his phone to our classmate and when we tinkered with it, it had a ton of gay porn in its memory card). I don't know if this was his plot of revenge or whatever.

I am now beginning to doubt if it was a case of mistaken identity or he really does want to “out” me. Too bad, I’m still witty and I successfully maneuvered myself out of that pinch.

I asked him how he got my new number, he just answered that I texted him once. If my memory serves me right, I never texted him anything after I’ve changed my numbers. Hmmm...

Psych wars? Ha, its one alley he'll never beat me.

One thing I don't really understand is that how did his number show up as my friend's number.

dude, I’m sorry but I’ll tell it to people I only trust since it’s just been like 5 months since I’ve started dating guys. You’ll get hints from me but not the whole story yet.

Sorry brah.

You can never out-troll me.