Slender

So last night, I tried playing this game called Slender: The Eight Pages. It's basically my fears all summed up into one game. And because I wanted to scare myself since Halloween is nearing, I mustered all my brave hormones and played it.

It is an FPS (first-person shooter) game and you'll be playing a character who got trapped in a very dark forest with only a flashlight to carry around. You'll be doing nothing but finding those eight pages in a vast expanse of trees and woods. Those pages can solve the mystery of the Slender Man or the antagonist.

According to sources, Slender Man generally captures children for his victims. There are no evidences on how his victims were killed or how he got you in the game.

He doesn't really shoot bullets or run or whatever, he is just creepy and that's enough to scare the shit out of me. You have to collect the clues to escape the eerie forest. He just magically appears on your screen and be all creepy. And when he does, your character's sanity drains and your screen will start to get staticky and fuzzy. He has no facial features. (FUCK) 

When you get your first page, he will appear to be really far. But when you get more pages or don't get them too quickly, he will appear more frequently and more closer to your line of sight. If he gets too close to you, your vision will blur and he will appear close up on the screen. You won't be able to press ESC or pause just to exit the game. And you will scream. (I punched my knee to stop me from shouting obscenities in the middle of the night and/or throwing my laptop away.)

What's funny is he isn't really scary. He just appears out of the darkness with his tentacles and doesn't do anything. What's also scary is that he looks like the ambient trees. You won't notice him until you look really close. And then you're gonna hear you're character's breathing go shallow and rapid. There's also that ambient noise when you know you're in deep shit. You just "die" of heart attack and fear of what Slender is gonna do to you. 

You won't beat Slender though, he will ultimately kill you. You'll just get to look at all the 8 notes and learn the terror behind the myth. I couldn't sleep the next day without my lights on and I've also decided not to go camping any time soon. True story.

And with that I know what I will be wearing for Halloween.

Karaoke Nights

"why don’t you love me, the way i loved you? it feels so crazy, cause i dunno what i did to you. if you’re gonna hurt me, then do it quickly ‘cause i’m tired of crying and if you don’t wanna stick around then baby forget about me."

*****

I've been shuffling my iPod and i stumbled upon Little Bit's Forget About Me.

It has been quite a while since I've felt relevance to a song, too much emo runs in my blood. I remember singing Adele's songs in a karaoke bar and breaking down in tears. Of course, I had to weep covertly. LOL.

Anyways, I really like singing. I was practicing Utada's Heart Station so I could upload a cover. Maybe I will someday if given the chance.

I miss going to my choir to practice belting out notes. Will someone take me out to a Karaoke Bar nearby? haha.

And don't worry, I'll sing Lady Gaga's Edge Of Glory. No emoshit right there.

browned and dog-eared love

i really love reading books and buying them is a kind of therapy for me. i love discovering new titles and authors. i was with my mom last Friday at a local mall. i immediately gravitated to the book sale, hoping to get a copy of Veronika Decides To Die by Paulo Coelho or Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. apparently, they only sell those books that haven't hit the bestseller status from their main store. we purchased a couple of books and decided to head home.

i immediately rummaged my old cabinet/library/bookshelf. i found out that there are a couple of my books that have been neglected due to my unbelievable schedules. Hope For The Flowers, The Tao Of Pooh, Sophie's World, Harry Potter series, Lord Of The Ring series, Alice In Wonderland, The Art Of War... the list could go on and on, but they were worn out and battered. even before the internet was a hit, i was reading those beloved books, some of which aren't even mine. i actually believe that they were my friends... but i forgot all about them. especially when they were the one's who kept me in check while growing up in a not so functional home.

i felt bad for being a terrible bookkeeper. how could i have forgotten my friends. they are now dilapidated and forlorn. my grandma could scold me if ever she sees the state of the books that she gave me before. being an OC that i am, i decided to dust them and keep them safe. i think i should let my nursing books start collecting dust instead of my "prized" possessions. (no offense to my nursing books, i love them too, but geez, i've been reading them for 4 years)

i think i'll give away some of my books too, they couldn't all fit inside the bookshelf anymore. too bad my sisters didn't inherit my grandma's and my mom's love for books. it's kinda sad seeing how my books are browned and dog-eared now, but it shows my love for books. call it signs of aging(?) and crap it would also show how much i aged/changed over the years.

p.s.: currently re-reading The Wind In The Willows. how i love my childhood!!! <3

developmental milestones.

its kinda amusing to see how people crash and burn when it comes to the matters of the heart, but experiencing it first hand is not necessarily nice too. so many questions, too little answers. everything is a puzzle...

no matter how hard we prepared for it, how we meticulously gathered information about it, it always catches us off-guard. it always has been that way, i just don't know about the other "couples" out there. i hate to admit it, but i get seriously jealous over those uberly sweet couples. i mean, c'mon, do you guys really have to show off in public? its sickeningly sweet, but i still get envious of them.

i thought i fell in-love with someone these past few months, but i guess i just fell in-love inside my head. its hard to make someone fall for you if they really don't like to be in-love in the first place. and yes, no matter how hard you try, you'll always get pushed to the periphery, cause for them, you're not special. i don't know what got into me but i thought everything was gonna change according to my well thought-out plan. heck i even squeeze in some random thoughts about what my next date will be in my brown Starbucks planner.

i'm at that part of my life where its; intimacy vs. isolation (Goddamn you Erik Erikson!). do i really need someone for me to be ok? i have been living my life for 22 freaking years, alone, happy and content. did i just want to fall in-love just for the laughs of it? i'm pretty sure i'm not in it for nothing. i'm also not afraid of falling into a bottomless abyss, it was my fault in the first place, no one else to blame, right? do i even have the right to be with someone? after that pseudo flirtationship with platonic, i'm still clueless.

i have no right to judge people, i have no basis, no exact evidence to cite. such complexities aren't tackled in the classroom. if only the matters of love was written in a textbook, i could have read it, re-read it over and over again. there are no rules in love, no exact formula, no disambiguated concepts. each and every phenomenon of it is quite different from each other. so i beg to disagree to those people who claim to be "experts" in love; more like saying "hey, trust me, it works for only $9.95." i could go on and on, but the point is, there's no way you can explain love. and why do i still keep posting about it?!


logic is more tangible, how i wish i could apply all my learned theories to love. speaking of which, my 2nd episode is still not done. hopefully i can get enough inspiration to work with it and post it.

*goes back to the recluse shelf, looking for a good read.

Ally McBeal is relevant.

I got home and I immediately slouched on the couch, turned on the TV and just let the TV do the talking. I was browsing channels hoping to find something good to watch. I came upon reruns of Ally McBeal, specifically the episode when Ally hosted a thanksgiving dinner with her friends and family. This particular episode really struck a particular vulnerable space in my heart, but when I was little I couldn’t even get the meaning of the whole show. I guess growing up really makes people think differently, wisely maybe but not really. I know people who grew up and they’re still the same immature persons that they were. But yeah, the episode focused on Ally’s parents. Ally found out that her dad kissed her co-worker, while it was thanksgiving and people were in her house. I wanna narrate all the events that happened but I wanna skip to the part where they all went to therapy.

The therapist was kick-ass; she nailed every issue down like dog on a duck hunt. Lots of issues arose, including why her dad cheated and why her mom cheated also and so on and so forth. Her mom cheated when she little was because she was jealous that she lost her husband to her daughter, which was quite intruiging. She fell in love with the guy because she felt left out of her husband’s life. Her dad on the other hand cheated because he thought Ally had put him to her periphery. He also had no idea that Ally caught her mom and the other guy when she was 3 years old, making the situation really messy.

To sum it all up, her dad cheated because he felt left out of his daughter’s life and her mom cheated because she felt left out of her husband’s life; she felt she lost her husband to her daughter.

This particular heart wrenching episode was significant to me because I guess I can relate to it a bit. I grew up in a home where my mom was the only parent in the house. My dad had an affair when I was in 3^rd grade so I kinda saw a pattern there. Did I ever make my dad jealous? Did I hurt his ego because I hogged all the attention of my mom? Did I cause his infidelity? I never knew up to now.

It may be a hopeless romantic’s notion that when people fall in love it, it is forever, it is eternal, and it is magical. I want to believe in that too, but from seeing that these things do happen, may it be in TV or real life, love is just too over rated. I still keep a make-believe world where everyone can fall in love helplessly, but I just take short vacations in that world of mine. I would certainly like that world to be real but its not, it’s especially hard for me because I know I’m different from the normal average populace.  I think I might need to see a therapist too.

I grew up with a ton of internal conflicts but I apparently am ok with those. I chose to be a mama’s boy when my dad left us. I wanted to be a man of the house, a daunting task for 3^rd grader but apparently I was able to do. I found strength to forgive my father, but sometimes I still blame him for everything that happened after that. I had to grow up prematurely to help my mom and my sisters. My mom suffered from End-Stage Renal Disease, so she had to get a kidney transplant 6 years ago. Our finances just plummeted after her surgery, and then her work also got affected by the global economic recession. I had to make sure that I was gonna finish college all in one go. I studied hard and was able to get my professional license but I can’t even earn enough to help with the financial burden of my mom. I had to take it like a champ, that I’m not going to be doctor anymore. But I am still grateful to my father, because after all, my mom couldn’t concieve a child on her own. It’s just that he chose the easy path for him, but he left us the hard and harsh path on our own. Life sucks, but we learned to deal with it, that sometimes we don’t even care anymore.

Since its February, I wanted to post everything related to love, so that maybe, even just for a brief moment, I could breathe out and tell myself that there’s still love left inside of me. I guess I could never find the right girl/guy who’ll fall head over heels for me, but who cares? I’ve been living fine on my own for 22 freaking years, if love will come then it will someday, soon maybe.

Next on my agenda though, my perfect Bohemian Summer! I’ve just booked 2 tickets to Boracay on March; I need to get in shape again, just like how I did for my previous “modeling” stint. After that, I’m going back to studying and preparing for my NCLEX. My blonde and blue-eyed dreams are starting to materialize and I must grab the opportunities, they’re just waiting for me.

Must lay off food from now on, I don’t wanna look like a big tall marshmallow on the beaches/bitches of Boracay!

The Paradox of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete...


(lifted from an email)