gelatin

whenever i’m with you, i feel defenseless. whenever you look at me, i feel like a big sack of amorphous unset clear gelatin. it’s as if i got nothing to hide and nowhere to run. no pretensions, no lies. i hate the fact that i can’t mask myself when i’m with you. i just feel all wobbly and light-headed. i hate it so much, but i appreciate it. when i’m with you, i can just be myself. you don’t judge me for what i do and what i like. heck, you even like things that i like. it scares me that someone really knows me as me. it also scares me that someday you will be just gone, will forever be just a fragment of a memory.

i hate the thought of losing you. i hate the thought that i may never be able to find someone like you. i hate it that i can’t do anything about it. i hate it so much that it hurts. i hate everything but you.

mianhae

I’m sorry I’m a mess.
I’m sorry I’m selfish.
I’m sorry I can’t be the guy who will talk to you when you need me to, because I’m selfish.
I’m sorry I made you mad.
I’m sorry I didn’t even tell you earlier how sorry I am.
I’m sorry I can’t be any good.
I’m sorry that you have to go through this because of me.
I’m sorry I don’t give you enough.
Of everything.
But I love you. And I’m sorry if I can’t make you feel that.

i gave up, finally.

i wanted it to be quick and painless, but there’s no such thing as painless, right? so there, i wanted to talk to “platonic” and talk about what i was feeling these past few days. we got to talk eventually, but then i ended the conversation with:

“Can we not speak anymore? I got tired of waiting, and i felt neglected. Was this all a joke to you? Congratulations, you got me. You got me so bad that I almost died.”

so there, i’m off the hook. quick and painless, but not really. a joke it was, and a joke it will always be. i guess i just fell off the wrong cliff, and survived miraculously. oh well, i may have been living on this earth for 22 years, but i still have to learn a lot. such a painful way to learn isn’t it?

anyways, im on my wits end again, this time devoid of love and affection. thank you for painting my life with the palette of chaos. Saranghaeyo, jeongmal.

tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock

So i found out that platonic is really taking the CPA's this year, which i kinda had a feeling that he did, due to my excessive stalking prowess. I wanted to ask platonic out last Valentine's day via SMS, and it went something like this:

Neurotic: Hey, what's up?

Platonic: I'm ok ^.^

Neurotic: I wanna go out, lets have some coffee on monday? Nothing fancy just plain Starbucks.

Platonic: Can't, have to study. I need to sleep... zzZZzzZZ

Neurotic: Ok then... I'll just spend Valentine's alone then. Hahaha! Nighty.

Failed attempt, yes? Geez, I was looking forward to meeting platonic again... Anyway, I spent my Valentine's alone, doing laundry and cleaning the whole house. Apparently, I have a ton of clothes inside my closet that I must dispose or at least give to the needy.

I kind of feel stupid for doing that, but heck, I really want platonic in my life. The days spent stalking on Facebook would be meaningless if platonic would never go out with me. Besides we kissed at the most awkward place ever... *pukes, then giggles* and platonic was the one who asked for it, I just obliged. LOL

I know how it feels to study for a licensure exam, its a lot like hell. You can certainly feel the time running out, or you're running after time, or time is running after you. It's stress to the nth level. I understand...

Platonic must realize that I'm also running after time, I might have to leave in a year... I guess platonic still doesn't get that but I'll let platonic decide whether to throw me away or keep me. I can also feel that I'm running out of time, or running after time, or time is running after me. I just need reassurance that platonic will hold on, if platonic decides to let go, then I'll gladly do it.

only fools rush in

There’s always this part of me that tries to believe that love is magical. Well, for the first few months of a relationship, yes there’s a lot of magic. But what would happen if that magical feeling disappeared? We were enchanted by this notion that love is always magical, including me. But yeah in reality, there’s always pain when there is love.

“The head is above the heart for a reason.”

Sure it is, but its not the brain that is falling in love. It’s the heart that makes you want to do those stupid things. Sometimes you can’t help but do it. If you are somehow able to inhibit all those craziness then i salute you. I’ve never seen anyone not go crazy when they’re in love. We think that is only normal to go crazy when we are in-love. But if you think closely, if the relationship fails, you’d be left with nothing, not even your dignity. So yeah, only fools rush in.

Then again, if you dont let your defenses down, no one would be able to come in. We are in such predicament to as whether to fall head over heels or keep your shields up. It’s also this situation where we get tired of waiting for someone who can sweep us of our feet. And that long wait can also lead to your downfall.

Love is complicated, i’m not gonna deny that. I myself wish that it would be as simple as ABC’s too. But from what i observed and learned from every movie, from every failed relationship, from my friend’s anguish, is that love always goes with pain. If only people would realize that and not believe that love is all sparks and cuddles, then maybe it will get less complicated. Sadly, people only accept the benefits of love, and in the end they’re the ones who become bitter suicidal ex-es.

Only fools rush in is still true. And hopefully, i’m not gonna be one. I’ll do my best to apply my theories and concepts on this four letter word that makes everyone cray-cray, hopefully. :)

no strings attached eh? this is not a chocolate-covered and caramel-filled rants of affection, in fact its timely and relevant

i’ve been hearing this line being overused lately. no strings attached this, no strings attached that. how could you ever get into a relationship if you’re not gonna get attached? the word “relation” can be synonymous to “connect.” “connected” can be synonymous to “attached.” the logic is so simple that even 1st graders can comprehend it. why would be anyone be so afraid of getting attached to a person?

afraid of the end? wow, people must be really eager to see things through the end. in fact they’re to obsessed to see the end that they forgot to see the beginning and the middle; and those 2 parts are the most fun and exciting of the whole experience.

afraid of getting hurt you say? sheesh, that’s the actual point of love. love can be sweet and bitter at the same time. that’s just how it is. the whole point of being human is to feel love and to feel hurt. why do people avoid the hurt part? in my opinion that would just be plain selfish and inconsiderate. 2 people in love can get hurt at same time, its just that one will get hurt more than the other because one loved more than the other. its always been that way. “law of equivalent exchange.” you only get as much as give.

i don’t understand why people use such lame tactics just to avoid agony. and since its February i can safely assume some people are gonna go wacko with the candies and chocolates and the whole shebang but before you do, would you be ready to get swept off of your feet? would you still go unattached and pathetic? honestly, the fools are the ones who don’t understand the whole concept of love and hurt thing. everything must be a learning process for them, i think. in which i think i need to learn myself too. learning is fun, you just have to enjoy it.

and then i glomped all my taro pies and a tall glass of milk <3

(lifted from my tumblr)

if only i could be braver

"i want to tell you that i get jealous over petty things.
i wanna tell you how much i miss you when you go into your full battle gear for school.
i wanna say "i love you" but i cant, cause i'm too afraid to scare you away. 
i wanna hug you when you feel blue, but apparently i'm too skinny to do that now.
i wanna see you smile at me whenever i talk
i wanna hear you laugh at my jokes, until you fart
i wanna share your burdens, if you think you've had enough
i wanna hold your hand and tell you "we're gonna be ok," but i can't"

i wanna do all these stuff, but there's something holding me back.

i just wanna feel that you're feeling the same way too. i wanna feel that you'll fight for this. i wish i could tell you that also but i'm too ashamed to say it to your face. i know i'm feeling something greater than sparks now, but i don't know how to express that to you without you clinching or fleeing. i'll still wait until you decide, on what grounds are we standing on right now. i'm ready to be what you want me to be, just tell me that you'll do the same for me.

"the more that i wish for my happiness, the more selfish i become" - Utada Hikaru (Dareka no Negai ga Kanau Koro)

of Lights and Cockroaches

They always say that when 2 people are destined to meet, sparks will fly off instantly. Well, in my case it was only me who felt sparks, the other felt blurred and discombobulated. Would it be correct to assume that either one of us was the fool who saw something that wasn't meant to be?I tried my best to clear out my thoughts. Maybe I wasn't seeing sparks, I was seeing an illusion of what i wanted it to be. It might not be even sparks at all, cockroaches perhaps? But that couldn't be, for I know that I'm too rational to even come up with such grandiose delusions of chemistry and compatibility. I tried to investigate further on those tiny little glowing orbs; are they real or are they just fantasy?

I picked up a twinkling little orb. Felt it, looked at it, smelled it, tasted it, listened for sounds that came out of it, but it was just... there, glowing and pulsating. It felt warm and nice, but it felt like a glass marble, hard and solid. It was as light as a feather and it just drifts along to movement of objects around it, but I couldn't blow it away. It tastes like candy, but it doesn't melt. From afar, they look like fireflies, but when you look at them closely, they're formless. They hum like bees, but when you shake them, they ring like christmas bells. What the hell are these things?

Certainly they weren't cockroaches or any known object to man. I thought it might be a form of extraterrestrial life, but then they came out from "that" person's chest. Ghosts maybe? Not really, cause I know for a fact that ghosts come from dead people but "that" person is alive and kicking. 

It was still a mystery, that was my conclusion... 

But, are these the sparks that people are talking about? It's so beautiful and enchanting, but it's of no use. It was real; I saw them and I questioned they're existence, they just gave me vague ideas and answers. Still it was a concept and it was better than nothing. I finally understood that those things are unexplainable, yet they persist.

But then they're of no use cause "that" person couldn't even notice or see them. Beautiful as these sparks are, it was only me who marveled at their presence. "That" only saw murky colors swatched around me. Rather ambiguous if you ask me, but these sparks are too. Could I try to describe what it looks, feels, tastes, smells, sounds like to "that" ? I wasn't able to, but I know they were there. "That" never believed me, "that" claimed "that" can only visualize a murky, disturbed image of a kid looking at "that" with eager eyes. 

Then I concluded, we weren't crazy at all... It was all too real for us, it's just that we don't see the same thing; but we definitely both know there's something there... Something magical? Something awful? Something necessary? Something we can live without? I am not so sure anymore... It was way beyond reason and philosophy, even science and logic. I could only learn so much, yet there's not a thing I could explain about that event.

In the end "that" gave up and moved along the path which "that" was on. I'm still stuck at the square when "that" happened. Was I wrong to not let "that" see what i was looking at?? I tried to, but "that" never looked back. I looked around me, and I saw sparks coming off of me too. It was pouring out like water from a gardening hose. After a while, it enveloped me and I was ecstatic! I tried to reach out to "that" person, but "that" was nowhere to be found anymore. "That" was lost in those murky, unappealing blurred colors. The sparks were losing luminescence and started dropping like flies, but they were crashing like incandescent light bulbs onto the cement pavement. Slowly but surely, the sparklies were depleted, all except for a few that fell unto my toes. They lost that WOW! effect, and starting to turn into those mishmosh of lines and colors. I tried to save a few, but they eventually lost the bright light that they were emitting. I looked at it closely and it resembled a cockroach now. I threw it away in disgust and started walking along the gray cement pavement.

I got fooled by "that" person. I saw something I wanted to see and then realized that it wasn't magical at all, in fact it was digusting and gross. I wanted to make "that" believe that there were sparks, but instead all those things were cockroaches. I lost time in "that" event, but heck it was really something. Have I been that stupid to get lured by cockroaches? No, i just wanted to believe that maybe cockroaches were good for something other than bother people with their daily lives. I tried to delude myself with ideals that maybe they can represent something wonderful and delightful. In the end I killed the cockroaches by stepping on them one by one. I heard a crash...Then I woke up and realized I was late for work.

(lifted from my Tumblog)